The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's author weighs using meeting shares for detailed blow by blow descriptions of perceived misdeeds of others, versus their much more valuable potential: sharing constructive, program based takeaways that may help others.
The former may enforce the thought that we all experience similar themes in our trials, but such negative focus fails to follow AlAnon's recommendation to keep the focus on ourselves. The latter reflects the positive, spiritual healing goal of the program and the gauge of a valuable interchange.
Reminder: What I share is not to be a recital of others' faults, but include knowledge and experience of using AlAnon to overcome challenges. A sponsor or program friend is a great resource on an ongoing personal or particularly difficult issue.
"A truly valuable AlAnon meeting is one in which we concentrate on principles, and do not discuss personalities." ------------------------ Before I found AlAnon, I was convinced that the trouble and pain I was experiencing was because of someone else's drinking. I am grateful for the participants of my first meetings who helped me see how AlAnon worked: the focus on their role, the things they could control, not on defining and obsessing over the actions of another.
Focusing on what I can change as opposed to looking for things to change in others is at the center of what AlAnon is about. When my serenity slips, this is often where I have strayed from program guidance...time to adjust my focus
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thanks Paul for your service and share. Betty always stressed principles above personalities....
I find the ESH from all my program resources invaluable, and in return, I try not to judge/criticize anyone. My biggest challenge of course, is with my A, who desires NO help. At times I do better than others. I think it depends on what else is going on around me. I also try to be gentle with myself. Progress not perfection....
Happy Tuesday MIP family. Thank you Paul for your service and the daily. Thank you both for your ESH & shares. I too arrived believing my problems were all caused by this disease and the actions/words of others. It took me a long, long while to figure out how to find 'me' among all the chaos, insanity and drama that this disease brings.
I really believed that if only others would get sober, then all would be well. I've since learned that's not how life works or unfolds. I also discovered that my MO for most of my life was to 'cut/run' when things got hard, never examining my part or my role or even my motives. It was easier to cast blame/shame at others and move along down the road. This was another unhealthy habit I had picked up at some point in life, which enabled me to to avoid self-awareness, examination, etc. for years.
Al-Anon has instead suggested I just keep my focus on me. Al-Anon suggests I share about me - my ESH - to hopefully touch another in the same way early shares touched me. I truly don't know much and am always happily surprised how recovery works yet do know that when I speak from my heart, and listen intently to others, I do feel as if a Higher Power is guiding me to where I need to go/be.
Love, love, love that we're all about progress and not perfection. What a gift as that's not how I lived before! Grateful for many shades of gray in my experience that previously seemed to be very black/white. Happy Tuesday all - make it a great day! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am finding that my life is more serene when I keep my focus on myself.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
My former sponsor gave me and left me with a thought from when we discussed what I thought of and felt about my alcoholic addicts thoughts, feeling and actions. I was so very sure I was right and had her pegged the wrong doer until he asked me to consider, "Could you be wrong?" The answer leapt into my mind immediately ..."Yes" and it humbled me while bringing me back to the Al-Anon reality that my Alcoholic/addict was a sick person...not a bad person and we do not punish people for being sick.
What college proved out for me changed my whole understanding of the disease and my spouse and widened my 4 and 9th steps. That she forgave me for how I treated her does not erase the guilt and shame I carried for how I acted against her and others.
Thanks for this share, for me it also says Helping myself . ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by JerryF on Tuesday 24th of November 2020 06:43:41 PM
Jerry, I too recall a key point for me as a sponsor would gently guide me to consider possibilities other than intentional, guided actions by others: 'Is it possible that...." This reminded me that, like Step 2, I didn't have to immediately take on a different belief, just consider that their may be an alternate explanation or factor than I had considered. Simple, but powerful...
And yes, it most certainly is the way that leads to greatest healing for me when I take this approach. I question whether pure altruistic intent/action is possible, but healthy, spiritual self action ultimately benefits others as a secondary effect rather than a primary target lest it be an attempt to control...
Thanks, Jerry
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thank you for the esh
Unfortunately the way I treated myself particulary around the holidays is beyond terrible it is unquantifiable.
The damage is cumulative
In my family I was the scapegoat
Therefore I very much learned to tolerate the worst most selfish self centered behavior and endless endless justifications for their vicious actions
Now I remove myself from being around persons who can always justify their tendencies to lash out at others
Certainly I can see some people are hurting
However once someone has crossed certain lines I am not their punching bag. They can most certainly suffer without the opportunity to dump on me one more time because their whole life is about dumping on others
Needless to say those that dump on others in their sea of impu lmpulsiveness can always justify it. After all they have no accountability whatsoever. People who v:n;are impulsive never do
How comfortable I was in dealing daily with those that have those decidedly anti social traits. I had so very little self preservation
I have much to be thankful for
After so much time I can finally walk away
What a wonderful gift to give myself in this dreadful
time.
I am glad to be able to talk about this issue in the middle of an unprecedented crisis out of scale of all proportions.
Detaching is so so key so is self preservation which is a basic building block
Happy thanksgiving.
Maresie
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