The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been off and on the message board today, for the first time in months. I posted basically to say hi, and that I'm hanging in there. I've been really anxious that my A would call home and I would have the phone tied up, online...and I've been really concerned that I wouldn't get enough work done, and he would be upset that I had not.
Who am I kidding....I'm not getting "better" in my recovery, am I? He's getting better! and I'm reacting to his moods...still trying to keep him happy. It's so easy for me to say things here on the message board...but so much harder for me to be honest with myself.
By the way, we are self employed, both working from the home. I am working today, with a few breaks to celebrate being home alone (a luxury), and he has taken the day "off", to help our son...but I just called him, and he's golfing!!!! I'm an idiot!!!! I've cleaned the house, gotten the laundry done, fertilized the flowers, and produced $600 inventory to sell...while he golfs. The rest of the week he is going out of town to help a relative who's been in an accident. Good of him, but we have a contract to fulfill by next Monday...our only income til June!!!
Life has been pleasant between us. I always work hard...I get stressed because of so many demands on my time, but have learned that it doesn't all have to be done today...or ever.
Two years have passed since my A actively drank alcohol. They've been hard, as he has no program. They've been easier in that I've had my al-anon program, though it's mainly been through literature, and posting here when I can.
What will it take til I take responsibility for my own life...it is so wrong of me to cater to his whims. Yes, I find small pockets of happiness, but I'm so tired of "raising him"!!!
On another topic in my epic here....let me share my joy in my HP. After much prayer, I was finally able to "let go" of worrying about our overdue bills and financial situation. We were travelling out of state Dec - March. The electric was shut off, the water and the phone. Each time our family called to tell us this, we were with friends. My A was so embarassed! and I was so glad....not that we were broke, but that he was getting to see that our money tree had barren branches. He finally started saying we couldn't afford this, or that, til the bills were paid. The man is 49 years old...and I've enabled him to the point that he's never had to actively worry about where the money would come from. It was a huge success to me that he had to worry awhile.
Funny how a blessing can be disguised, eh?
My other "blessing" came just as we prepared to come home. There was no way we had earned enough money to make ends meet til the next contract...while traveling we had a pretty bad accident. Neither us nor our dogs were hurt, but the vehicle and property damage resulted in a hefty insurance payment. After expenses, we had enough left to meet expenses. Another "disguised blessing" to me.
Your heading could be mine but I don't think that they are failures just learning experiences. I too get my hopes up thinking that my A is think of us and our future. I got the bank statement and he bought a year's membership to a golf club. We have accumulated many unexpected bills this year including two boys in college and a car that conked out. So he buys a golf membership?
Isn't it great that we have HP to help us understand and take care of ourselves?
I think the stress is even harder for because you are running a business together. You need to have some outlet for yourself away from the home and business. Is there something that you really enjoy doing? That way whilst he is golfing you can have some down time as well. Keep your chin up. Luv Leo xx
Hi Nancy, and thanks for letting me know there's a "kindred spirit" out there...guess what???? While our yearly taxes were unpaid, yep, he too bought a year's golf membership...that's where he is now. At least I get some "Me time" that way. I, too, golf, but after the work is done.
Anyway, it just helps to vent, and keeps me from blowing up at him, which is pointless.
Thank you, Leo, for reminding me to care for me that way...I've neglected my yoga, so need to start back to my Tues nite classes, while he golfs. Thanks for your concern and feedback
