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This weekend was a great weekend despite my "a's" aweful mood. The boys had a great time for their birthday and I ended up having a party even though I said I wasn't going to. We had out of town guests come in with their children. So all together I had 8 kids in my two bedroom condo!! Talk about some hairy moments between everyone wanting juice at the same time, to my A smoking us out with the grill and burning half the hamburgers, I think my boys had a great time.
I wasn't sure how I would feel having this get together after my A ripped me up and down that morning. He had no alcohol and no marijuana since that previous Wednesday night, he warned me that he would be grumpy, but he was down right beligerant and nasty. He got frustrated with me and the kids over every little thing. If I asked a question more than once he'd yell at me. Saturday morning, his friends from out of town call and say they'll be around by 3pm, we didn't even know they were coming until Friday night, but somehow I got blamed for knowing they were coming and not telling him. Then his other friend says he'll be over at 12, I'm a planner, I like to cooridate things, it lets people know what to expect. Other people in this world are not like this and I have realized from this program that I need to adjust myself to the constant changes and unpredictability of life with an A. So I said outloud to confirm for me that I would adjust my plans to this new time change. Well, I guess I said it with attitude and my "a" got really angry, he began screaming and cussing and telling me I needed to lose my attitude and was I going to be a bitch all day. I really felt abused and he pushed all my hot buttons, I began to argue back. It wasn't pretty, we hadn't had a fight like that since he'd been home. I finally stopped arguing because I realized it wasn't helping he was just getting angrier that I kept defending myself. I got dressed and told myself, you are o.k. he can't see your progress because he is so unhappy, he's focuses on the negative in people and himself.
Normally I would apologize, because I felt guilty, that I created this outburst in him. I didn't, maybe I should learn to keep my mouth shut and follow program with affirmations in my head. I did have an attitude, but I didn't yell or cuss him out. I am growing and I had to really affirm that in myself because I felt completely knocked down. He actually came to Chuck E Cheese with us, he was quiet, he didn't apologize he just went about it like nothing happened. I enjoyed myself the best I could, but I felt like I was right back into the slimy pit again. I never want to go back there and live there, I was so miserable. He got happy when the people and the beer showed up. He was even happier when he could get high that night. By the time he crawled into bed he was bombed and somehow he managed to apologize for his behavior, then he took it back when he asked for my apology and I wouldn't give it to him. I dont have to apologize for defending myself and I didn't deserve the power and control and abuse he heaped on me for it.
Next day....hungover and a total ass!! He got into with his mother when she came over, got into it with his best friend, and got into it with me because I'd had enough talk about politics and crap he knows nothing about. He was completely inappropriate. Finally, I said how can you say you love someone and talk to them the way you speak to me? Do they feel justified by bringing everyone else around them down because they are miserable? I let him know that I will not allow being spoken to like that, and if he wants to ruin everything we are trying to build he can keep it up. My insecure side wonders is he trying to sabotage this relationship again because he doesn't want to be home? I don't think that's true but now that I know he purposely did things to get himself kicked out of the house, it makes me leary I guess. I was really proud of myself because I was able to ask myself, what do I need right now to be o.k.? First I needed to cry, then I needed to have fun with my kids and my family, yesterday I needed to be at home while the "a" was out to have some down time. I still managed to take care of me, despite his behavior, 3 months ago, an episode like this would have sent me downspiraling into a deep depression. I'm still learning how to handle the sober times when he is miserable, I feel like I was walking on eggshells.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
u know, twin, i think i would sit down, write the LONGEST list on "WHAT do i want in a relatioship??? is this meeting my needs????? is this the way i want the rest of my life to be????? WHAT can i do to take care of me/ meet my needs?????"
and the list goes on.......when i ask me ????S i get my answers.....i may not like all of them, but the truth eventually sets me free.........peace/ rosie
I know those times when he doesn't have any pot or alcohol. I hate those times. Before I used to do anything to get him what he wanted so then he wouldn't be a total a**. Now I just leave with the kids, or ignore him.
What a hard time for you, kids birthday, out of town guests, and surprised out of town guests at that, and to top it all of an "A" who is without his drug of choice. You deserve to do something really nice for yourself, I hope you do.
Keep up the good work with you. Hopefully he will see the changes in you and want to change himself. If not at least you are getting healthier.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I think you had a good weekend because you managed to work your program. So many times, I know what I SHOULD do, but can't do it. You did well. Let it go, honey. Take care of you, and don't try to second guess his issues. You didn't cause them, can't cure them for sure. All you can do is choose to not react.
Remember..."if you do what you always did, you'll get what you always got".
Thanks for sharing ... your post made me think of all the times I've felt guilt, and made me see I need to get over it.
I hate to hear you are going through all that. It doesn't suprise me, since I am well versed that scenario. I am very proud of you for realizing what's going on and making corrections to it to preserve you and the kids!
For so long, I was so frantic about "how could things even get like this", that I could not really do anything... I was shocked and paralized that things had even gotten like this.
I am glad you are here.
Take good care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I have a really hard time being supportive when my pot addict H decides to once again "quit forever". I know the eggshells upon which you walk. My H usually decides to do this at most stressful times ie-on vacation, visiting relatives,etc. He is better after a few days but then he goes back to his using ways. Forgets how hard it is to quit and how many withdrawal symptoms he has ( insomnia, sweating, bad mood, increased dreaming ). Biting your tongue hurts. Sometimes ya just gotta say something. I don't act nicer anymore when he is going thru this stuff. I just get on with my life and my kids life. It gets soooo old. take care honey- Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Dear Twinmom.. I suggest that you go back and read your last ten posts and see if there is anything you can learn from them. You are your own best teacher, and your own words can reveal patterns and situations that in ways that you would not normally realize.
My only experience is that life is short. I am only your age, but I realize that I am better off missing him and having peace and security for my kids than having him here and still not being with him anyways because he cannot be fully 'present'. I think you can tell how I feel reading your posts.
I pray for you every day, even though I have not spoken on the boards for some time.
I miss my A every day and it has been since jan 28 I asked him to go. I don't talk to him anymore. My kids miss him. It is hard to explain to them why we do not hear from him.
I want you to get the very best out of life that you can. This is not rehearsal. This is it. You are a great and wonderful woman, bright and charming.....you deserve the very best, not the 'least' someone can do. I know how hard you are trying, we all do to some degree or another. We are on your side, hun.
You probably are still walking on egg shells , but if u remember that your not the reason he drank inthe first place then u will understand that it's not up to you to keep him sober . It won't matter what u say or do yu are not powerful enough to make him drink again. that will be his choice and his alone. so sweep up the egg shells nd carry on .
Just because he is sober is no reason to accept unexceptable behavior and if he is h aving a bad day thats his problem don't let him make it yours by arguing with him July 14 th odat . read it and do what it says and your going to be just fine.
Everything u learned while he was d rinking will work in sobriety , once an alcoholic always and alcoholic , think of him as " IF" and work your program . Louise
So I said outloud to confirm for me that I would adjust my plans to this new time change. Well, I guess I said it with attitude and my "a" got really angry, he began screaming and cussing and telling me I needed to lose my attitude and was I going to be a bitch all day. I really felt abused and he pushed all my hot buttons, I began to argue back. It wasn't pretty, we hadn't had a fight like that since he'd been home. I finally stopped arguing because I realized it wasn't helping he was just getting angrier that I kept defending myself. I got dressed and told myself, you are o.k. he can't see your progress because he is so unhappy, he's focuses on the negative in people and himself. 
