I have learned after 13 years w/my AH, that I better do what I want when I want or I will miss out on A LOT.  If I try to make plans w/my A, he disappoints me by not being available.  Like spending the day w/the kids @ the beach.  He will inevitably be hungover from his drugs & alcohol & want to sleep it off on the day we are supposed to do something.  If he does drag his sorry butt up & join us, he makes us miserable b/c he is miserable.

Basically, I make my plans.  I let him know what they are & if he decides to joint us, great!  But if not, my plans are not destroyed.  In fact, these days I find I don't want him to come w/us at all b/c he is so unpredictable.  Like a week ago we took the kids to see Ice Age 2.  Well, he hasn't work much since Jan 1 and so money is tight.  I decided (and obviously not a good decision) to point out how expensive it was to do dinner & the movies for 4 and I was having to charge it.  I wanted him to wake up & realize that we do NOT have an unlimited amount of $ and that I am running very very low.  Unfortunately, he got mad at me & told me that he regretted going w/us and he just would rather go home, that he cannot enjoy himself if he has to think about & worry about the $ we are spending.  I was so mad.  But I just gave him a light punch in the arm and told him not to be that way. I explained that I was trying to make him see that I didn't have all this money.  I told him that I was willing to do the dinner & movies b/c we don't do much as a family any more & this was worth it for the kids.

So the only advice I can make is this....make your plans.  Let your A know what they are so she/he can decide whether or not she/he wants to join you.  If not, then it will be her/his choice and you are not deliberately leaving them out.  Good luck & God Bless.

QOD

Hello rt - wringing yourself inside out to please a practicing A is an impossible task. I gave it up.  Moods are common with disease one min it's totaly acceptable the next it s what in Hell did u do tht for ? sound familiar. nature of the disease.  Just w hen u think u got it right they raise the bar or change the rules . again we just don't cut it.  sheeeeeeesh.

Someone summed it up for me with the joke about the 2 eggs.   The A asked his wife to make him breakfast , she said sure what would u like? He replied on egg over easy the other soft boiled . So she set about doing just that! She placed it in front of him and he snarled and said " for gods sake u boiled the wrong egg!!   So please yourself at least one of you will be happy.

Include her in your plans but it she chooses to not paticipate - Plan B works , do it anyway with out them.  And there is nothing wrong with spending a few hrs with a son .  There just never seems to be enough  as far as the A is concerned but this is truly thier problem not ours.

Well, rTx...

1st off thanks for your post

I had the same experience in my family of origin, marriage, and with some people out of the marriage, who, guess what, were an A or some kind of addictive personality.  It took me a while to put all of the facts together in the very articulately way you did. Until I put it together I kept thinking that I'd missed some clue, that I must be so ruthlessly self centerd -- and of course these folks  embraced those thoughts that were basically beating myself up.... and over issues that really weren't mine, I came to find out through al anon.

I've "come to" in a lot of ways because of this program, and I'm grateful.

I'd always felt in my marriage, how's he gonna know what I'm thinking if I don't tell him -- of course he wasn't working from that same playbook, -- his rule was I should just know, somehow, through osmosis or whatever.  And if I ever suggested something I wanted or liked or my opinion, his responses was that I was so one sided.  I can't believe it took me so long to finally get it -- but finally I looked at him and said, it isn't one sided, it's my opinion, it's what I like or am interested in.  I get to have my opinion and my own interests in life -- as does everyone else.  And you know what's interesting is that if I tried to read his mind, I got yelled at for that too.

Al anon is so great because not only does it support self-care, but it actually has slogans, etc that go to my responsibility is me, keep the focus on me, my responsibility to find the help I need, -- such that I am not only entitled to self care, but it falls into the realm of a defect of character if I don't.

And while I keep having these folks in my life who think I should know what they want, take care of their needs over everything else, etc -- as I keep the focus on me, express myself and let others take responsibity to express themselves, ... it is so much easier.   Though continually detaching from someone like my ex is not easy and takes the daily reminder of this wonderful program.

Take care.

Hi rt,

I gave up trying to meet my "A"s expectations a long time ago. Expectations are premeditated resentments.

Expecting someone to plane something for a weekend activity when you act/say like you wnat no part in it is insane behavior. And trying to predict insanity is impossible.

Keep working on you and giving your son the quality time he deserves/ needs and give yourself that time that you need.

Much Love,

Try to always remember the "egg joke", and it will help you recall that there is typically NO pleasing an active A.... 

As hard as it is, you are doing the right things here - taking care of you & your son's needs.... sometimes that will fit with your A, other times it will not.....  but her issues, or her poutiness, is just that..... HERS.

Take care

T