The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tomorrow's daily talks about forgiveness and suggests that it is the most loving form of detachment we can find. Instead of thinking of forgiveness as an eraser to wipe another's slate clean or a gavel that we pound to pronounce someone 'not guilty', the writer suggests we could view forgiveness as a scissors. We can use forgiveness to cut the strings of resentment that bind us to a problem or a past hurt. We set ourselves free by releasing resentment.
We easily loose our focus when we are consumed with negativity over another person's behavior. We do not ever need to tolerate what we consider unacceptable, but wallowing in the negativity does not change the situation. We can instead turn it over to our HP, let go, detach and forgive.
Loving ourselves enough to admit that resentments hold us back helps set us free.
Reminder: Every time I try to tighten the noose of resentment around someone's neck, I am really only choking myself. Today I will practice forgiveness instead.
Quote from . . . In All Our Affairs: "A part of me wants to cling to old resentments, but I know that the more I forgive, the better my life works."
I was raised that forgiveness is a choice and the process typically begins when another apologizes for their part/wrong doings. Well - this 'set in stone' mindset was a huge part of my insanity. I did not know how to forgive others who didn't own their part, never apologized, continued with the offense, etc. So, instead, I kept a mental list of all the ways I was wronged, who wronged me, etc. It was long, exhaustive and extremely unhealthy.
In recovery I have learned that I do not have room for growth, change, love and more when my mind and heart are filled with negativity, anger, resentments, blame/shame of others, etc. Holding on to all that pained me from the past is just unhealthy and inhibiting.
It is in recovery that I learned that forgiveness is not about others, it's about me. It's about setting myself free, shedding the painful past and being in the present, with the hope that the best is yet to come. In spite of my best efforts, some of the past creeps in when this disease flares up around me. That's just part of the human experience, and I try to remember that I am blessed because I have a program with tools to address these times/moments.
I am guarded about my qualifiers and what I share as their story is their story and mine is mine. My youngest has begun another descent down the rabbit hole, crashed his car, got fired from his job and is isolating/hiding. This is not our first rodeo, or second or third or .... It's been a consistent pattern for him since he first caught the disease bug. In spite of my best efforts, I do revisit the anger/resentment I have for my first born each time my second born relapses as my first born was the first person to give him H. My mind & my heart alignment shift at the knowledge/memory of this and I have to trust my program, HP and tools to realign them. This has been on my mind of late and I keep doing what has been suggested - let Go, let God and practice forgiveness. Sanity suggests to me that if it jars/shakes me up, it must be unbearable for my first born. Prayers are welcome for my family as the disease is active all around me again.
I miss Debb, who had this in her signature:
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Love and light MIP family - make your Thursday awesome!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you IAH For your service and this really cool post.
Forgiveness has always been a trigger word for me because the offender expect us to just forgive and forget and he would say fresh start or clean slate and he was never held accountable or never made amends for his wrongs
I like the analogy of using a pair of scissors to just cut off all the negativity and detach to me forgiveness now means not saying what they did is OK, it certainly does not mean I want anything to do with them, it certainly does not mean to me that they get a free pass get out of jail card and they are not to be held accountable.
But the big thing with me that I have learned is I must, MUST get rid of the resentment and hate and revenge that kept me bound with these people. There are some crimes that are just not forgivable but even so. It behooves me to journal my feelings, allow all the grief and the anger to pass through my body and then I can cast the burden of hate and resentment and revenge which I see myself doing now with the one who hurt me so bad. He was entitled he was never sorry but that is his issue with his higher power and not mine.
The only time I think of him now is when I'm working through An old trigger or a bad memory or I am grieving something again that he caused me to lose. And then I can walk away. I asked my higher power many many times if its not possible to wash my heart of hate and resentment then just give me a new heart. I am good with starting over. LOL really seriously that's what I said to my higher power, I guess he figures its easier to just clean out the old one which actually is an excellent shape because I really am losing the hate and resentment, he just isn't worth the energy it takes to carry around that kind of garbage and baggage. He just is not worth it.
When someone is toxic to me...eval the relationship...is the offense a mistake or bad pattern???..if it is worth it (relationship) ?? sort it out if possible...if not worth it?? walk away, God bless and detox my life....it IS getting easier for me to do that....
Thank you for this awesome post and I love reading what you say about it because I so relate to so many things that you say. Take care and continue being safe and careful
-- Edited by mamalioness on Wednesday 14th of October 2020 10:29:18 PM
Thank you for this post. This is exactly where I am and I'm really struggling to let go of my resentment. I was called out by my therapist and now have to look at my part in things so I can let it go, forgive and start to heal. Its easy to fall back and forget the 3 Cs. Very good post.
I usedb to live eat and sleep by the scorched earth policy. Every significant relationship.was toxic. I.was pretty adept at taking other people's inventories Of course I also knew what they should do to get better because I was that onowledgeable
In therapy today my therapist told ne that no one is truly functional. He stated that every family had their issues
Lately i.have becime conscoois of those who claim their life is perfect. My friend who committed suicide hsd a perfect marriage He had nothing but great things to say about his wife. He lived iin a great neighborhood. When his father died both he and his siblings cane to an agreement civilly about his estate. Six months after his father died he committed suicide. That will be 4 years this December
Nobody is oerfect least of all me. However I.am in recovery and recovery means heing accountable to myself
My giving uo the scorched earth burn every bridge possible way of relating has been decisive. I have certanky had my issues with my.former room mate for decades.
I am truly blessed to have found a way to let go without tremendous recrimination and resentment. For ne that is a really huge turning point.
It is an incredibke feat indeed when people like.my former roommate, are provactive and exyremely nasty abd they do not get a rezpinse from me. For me that is a huge shift in detachment one I could never have considered possible.
Of course i have most of ny life not been able to sit quietly when someone tried to provoke me with taunts, derogatory remarks and caustic comments. My trigger(s). would go off.
So not respinding isnt exactly a form of letting go but it demonstrares maturiry snd dignity. Dignity is not somethimg I aspired to in the oast. I was far too busy with the scorched earth reactivity that went along with solely being able to live within a victim role.
I am always grateful to al anon for the chance to grasp detachment to a point where it results in acceptance.
My.former roommate is childish, vicious and malicolus. I no longer consider where that came from. I consider only that I donnot have to react to and respomd in any way that kind if childish vicious behavior. How significant that wil be in my life
for the future. A future that no longer includes the imoending doom feeling
{{{IAH}}} First, prayers for you and your sons. OMG, having a son myself I have HUGE empathy for your boys having addiction. My relationship with my son has often been devastating, but so far we have been able to move forward. I wish that for you and your family.
And thank you for your service and honest share. I have found that to forgive ends the power and control that others have had over me. I agree it sets me free and gives me a better quality of life. I just told my A a day or so ago that I have not forgotten what's happened between us, but I do forgive.
Thank you IAH for your continued service and reading share, and all above for your ESH.
This is such a powerful page...I so appreciate the statement of truth that "When I am consumed with negativity over another person's behavior, I have lost my focus"...it doesn't make exceptions or qualifications...
This is important for me as I find truth also in the quote from All Our Affairs "A part of me wants to cling..."; I have invested time, interest, emotion, perhaps too much, so to simply let it go leaves me worried that I am coming away with nothing for my investment. In fact, that is often what is best, and certainly is if I want to have my Serenity.
Grateful for the reminders and wisdom of the program
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thanks for the reading Iam...
