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Another perfectly timed C2C reading for me today! In today's reading, the author reflects on one of their character flaws - responding in kind to behavior directed at the author. Reacting to insults with insults, or rudeness with rudeness. One day, the author noticed that an Al-Anon friend reacted to rudeness with courtesy, and asked about it. The author's friend explained that she was detaching from the behavior, because she was powerless over other people's attitudes, but that she didn't need to lower her standards of behavior to meet theirs. The friend tries to treat everyone with courtesy, and leave them to make their own choices about how they will behave.
Today's Reminder: Today I will "Let it Begin with Me." I do not have to accept unacceptable behavior; I can begin by refusing to accept it from myself. I Can choose to behave courteously and with dignity.
Today's Quote: My freedom and independence do not depend on any acts of defiance or confrontation. They depend on my own attitudes and feelings. If I am always reacting, then I am never free.
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What makes this reading perfect for me is that I've noticed over the past few weeks that I'm less patient with my AW's verbal lashing out, complaining, accusation tone, Judgmental inflections, etc. I've noticed (and so has she) that I am not choosing to ignore and carry on, but am more often instead calling her on it, or challenging her on what she means with what she is saying. I'm less careful about my own tone, as well. I was chalking it up to frustration about being on constant guard, policing my own words, tone, inflections, etc. before I spoke so I didn't inflame a situation or take a bad mood out on her, and not getting the same careful speech in return. Maybe being cooped up in the house with her constantly played into it as well. But today's reading has given me something else to think about. Perhaps there is a space between constant self-monitoring and modification and escalating each conversational exchange by responding in kind. Perhaps I can try to stay balanced, and voice how I feel without myself engaging in inflammatory conversation, accusational tones, and judgmental inflections. IN any case, like so many times, C2C brings me just the right thing to think about!
I hope you make today a great day!
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thank you, Skorpi, for this share. How to respond to unacceptable behavior -- what a topic!
I was amazed when I heard in a meeting, "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it meanly." What a concept!! Why had I never heard about this before??? And I realize that knowing it and doing it well are two different things. I think doing it well takes practice. I think it may start out with "fake it until you make it." And most likely, having serenity inside will make it easier to not say it meanly, because I am not feeling mean and I am not just pretending to be calm and reasonable.
I have found that our program has a lot of simple, easy slogans and tips -- which are not that easy to do in real life, and take practice.
One of my meditation teachers refers to this as a practice of having a strong belief and a soirtual oractice. In other words a form of discioline rather than rash reactivity.
Throughout my life I have often given into descending to the level of those around me. I could always justify it. Now I cannot no.matter how tempting it seems. I know exactly where that leads to.
In order not to do that I have to really monitor my boundaries very carefully. In addition I have to carefully monitor my health. This year my health tanked and I was out on disability for a month. I have no.doubt my health slipping dramatically had much to do with staying with my.former alcoholic roommate. I was beyond worn out by his insensitiveself involved antics with very little relief.
One of my new priorities is my health and i know it will take me a few months to see a difference. The other is my financial health which is why I work long hours to pay down this debt. I have now paid off over half of it.
Of course I also need an energency fund. I need to have cash readily available in case of energency. Not having one makes me nervous.
I.could justify neglecting myself in the past. I can no longer do so. I no longer have a multitude of excuses to justify it.
Having the right attitude towards all these obstacles (there are new ones every day). is challenging. Nevertheless I know where it gets me to have the wrong attitude. I have now become willing to try another response.
Maresie
Thank you Skorpi for your service and the daily. Thanks to all for your shares & ESH. I spent so much of my life being a right-fighter and I just really had to make some deep changes to be free from my own magical magnifying mind. It is in Al-Anon that I learned another's words/actions are not a reflection of me and have everything to do with them - mood, attitude, outlook, etc. Just this simple awareness helps me to pause and pray before I proceed. I truly wake each day and make a conscious effort to be joyful and then work to maintain that all day long.
I know me well enough now that when I am disturbed by another, I need to be focused on me. If I don't, before you know it, I'm disturbed by another and another and .... I've left the path for a sideways journey, and the destination is not joy/joyful.
I have a personal plan that if I am annoyed by one person, I write about it and pray about it. If I am annoyed by two persons, I have to reach out. If it gets to 3, I return to step one because I've forgotten that I am powerless and I'm trying to impose my will again.
It irritates me still that I allow others to affect my serenity/joy, yet it happens. Usually, upon reflection, I've changed something up and am not getting my spiritual needs met.
I find that when I am able to stay balanced emotionally during the day, I sleep better at night, and feel better reflecting about the day. I don't like to give my power away, for any reason any more. I've always questioned the idea of being right vs. being happy as I really, really, really want/ed to be right for so, so long and today, I chose differently. Being right just doesn't matter to me as much because my priorities have changed.
I am really, really grateful that my AH and I don't fight/bicker. As I reflect on our marriage, most of our heated moments truly were caused by me trying to change him or control him, with the best of intentions for 'the house & the family'. My sponsor pointed out that I am the one who wants the counter tops sanitized each day and the dishes put away and the fridge items in their special place and none of this was important to him. She suggested if it was important to only one of two in a couple, the one needs to own it and do it or consider, 'how important is it anyway?'
Practicing this program and letting go of so much that just really didn't/doesn't matter has changed me for the better and given me tons of peace. I am very aware of a 'physical change' that happens within me when I another is pushing my buttons, intentionally or unintentionally and that's my warning to pause and pray long enough to consider how to respond, if at all.
I still can channel my inner frustrations about something unrelated to another simply because they are there. I'm a work-in-progress, grateful when I make improvements, and willing to learn/change when I fall down. I am grateful for those who came before me and taught me that being perfectly imperfect is how we're designed and that we will make mistakes. It is those mistakes I make that propel me to being a better version of me.
Love and light all - golfed today and catching up. Happy Hump Day!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I believe I have to be almosr religiously awsre of those people who trigger me. Once I am triggered I have to devote so much time to responding to the issue. My prior #_respomse#, was to try to get prople to stop triggerng me. Needless to say that was a disaster
So indeed much of what. caused me problems in the past was my ineefectual effirts to controL the situation
I believe these begaviorrs are vsey.common. On the news at night there are vudeos of oeople having conversations with raxoons and coyotes who live in oir oarks. They must believe they are living in Disneyland. Then they contact the parks admnistration and guve them the vudeos of them talking to the raxoons and furthermore permitting their dogs to be in proximity to them.
My attitude towards some of the people I have to deal with is like my ne8ghbors believing they were in Disneyland while they are in the park. I simoly coukd niot deal with reality
Gwtting to a point where I can acceot people for who they are.rather than who I think they should be was absolutely impossible for me.
I am very grateful that I am now at the point of being able to overcome my compuksion to live in #Disneyland#
For me there was nothimg remotely pleasant about the compulsion to be in that mindset. In fact it waa absolutely devastating
Marrsie
