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Hi, this is my first post. I need to get this off my chest but haven't the gumption to go to a live meeting. My mom is an A as is her boyfriend of 20 years. He also uses crack. Both my husband and I were raised by A single mothers on welfare. We have 2 children (10 & 12 yrs). I've never been happy about the way the boyfriend's A affected family gatherings - everyone had to walk on eggshells. My sons first Christmas is filled with memories of him calling our home and leaving disgusting, abusive messages for my mom. When the kids were 5 & 6 we told her that that was it. Having grown up with is, we didn't want this in our kids lives, he wasn't going to ruin any more memories. All this time he has not been welcome in our house. All this time she's been thinking we'll forgive and forget. We've always said that we'd welcome him if he ever recovered and got it together. He hasn't, he uses regularily. She's brought him over while house sitting for us. She's lied to him and said we have forgiven and then made excuses as to why he can't come over. This past Christmas she announced that he would be coming with her to my sisters place for dinner. Everyone said no. She's been hurt and angry since. She came to my house for Easter and told me that she can no longer keep lying to him. I am forcing her to tell him the truth and it's going to hurt her. She says it will break his heart. She said she will break up with him the same day she tells him becuase the news will put him in such a downward spiral that he will be miserable to be with. She doesn't understand why we won't accept him - he tries so hard. We are not perfect and have no right rejecting him. He is her boyfriend, therefore he is family and you never turn your back on family. What makes me so angry is that he has 3 grown daughters who want him in their lives but he has isolated himself from them to protect them from his addictions. He doesn't want to mess up their lives with it. Yet they both expect me to welcome him with open arms. My mom is very co-dependant. I feel so guilty. Our relationship has always been close and I could usually count on her. Now, she has lost her apartment from lack of work and the cost of their addictions, she is staying at the Salvation Army but her last day was Tuesday. She said she'd rather be homeless than stay with us not accepting her man. I'm torn. I know that if it wasn't for my husband I would do as she asked event though it goes against what I believe. It's all so heavy and pretty sad.
We are so glad you are here. I hope that you do find the courage to make that first meeting. You couldn't be more worth it.
One thing I do want to say...and this is jumping the gun a little earlier in your recovery....Forgiveness to me is forgiving a person that has hurt me...doesn't mean I have to forget what has happened....but, it doesn't mean I have to invite that behavior back in either.
No one can demand my forgiveness. Nor could they expect me to forget. There certainly isn't enough room in my heart for hate though.
Keep coming back Wendy. I promise you will hear something from somebody that will help you. This is a family here that you already have unconditional love from....and it isn't earned....it is like that when you come through the door.
My heart really goes out to you, this must be tough, as you clearly love your Mom so much.
However I just want to point out to you that in alcoholic households children are often abused and neglected. Both by the alcoholic, and then by the other parent as they sink deeper and deeper into depression, then due to co-dependency, they begin to look the other way and rationalze abuse, etc.
Part of recovery is reclaiming our position as responsible people. Taking back responsibilities that we have let slide in our despair.
If you have children, protecting them from abuse should be our number one priority as they are helpless victims, looking to the adults who care for them and love them to provide a safe environment for them.
Your Mom's boyfriend is not "family" as he has no legal, or biological ties to any of you, and not even moral ties as in a loving relationship as clearly no one likes him around.
Your Mom seems co-dependent and you are right to try and help her to see that.
What is more loving? To SHOW her that there is a better way to live life by being responsible and getting addictive people out of your life who refuse to recover? To show her how to take care of yourself and your family by not letting someone else's addiction destroy your life and finances? To show her that family gatherings should be about showing love and having fun rather than putting up with an addicts crazy rants?
Or is it more loving to look the other way, show indifference to her suffering by agreeing to suffer along with her. To say by your actions "we were made to suffer from someone else's bad choices and we are helpless to make a better life for ourselves".
Yes, this is a tough choice, but remember that your first responsibility is to your children. When I have to make a serious decision concerning my daughter I always ask myself..."If she were me what would I want and expect MY parents to do if they were being good parents?". I also ask myself "When she is grown and has her own children, have I set a good example to her of being a repsonsible parent? Have I taught her to be a good mother and to be a responsible loving parent?".
I have heard many horror stories first hand of children being abused, both sexually and physically by addicted and alcoholic grandparents, ESPECIALLY those not biologically related as in second marriages and boyfriends. Crack is a very serious drug addiction as people on crack can get very violent. Most people would not look the other way if they knew abuse was happening to their children (unless they too are addicted), they all thought they were being "careful" and handling the situation well and protecting their children from the addict. But, you can't control everything in life. By exposing your children to an addict willfully you are treading on dangerous grounds.
I made a similar decision. I divorced my daughter's father who was a serious addict to both alcohol and drugs. After the divorce I totally cut his entire family out of my daughter's life. My rationale being that I wanted to limit her exposure to HIM, and it was bad enough that I would be forced to let him see her. But I was NOT forced to let his family see her. To let her have a relationship with them meant more exposure to HIM and his drug addicted lifestyle. I did not want her around co-dependent people who looked the other way while he threw his life away. What would that teach her about family relationships?
Don't think this was easy. I live in a small town and have heard an earful about what a rotton person I am even from total strangers. They have spread the word about what I have done. His mother (her grandmother) is especially bitter about it. She has pointed me out to her friends and they don't even know me and will approach me to tell me how horrible and selfish they think I am.
Well, my daughter is grown now and what is the result? They are good...
Her cousins in that family are without fail either addicted, pregnant, or delinquents. All symptoms of dysfunction in the family. My daughter? Doing well in life, no criminal record, no drugs, no alcohol, no teen pregnancy, no sexual acting out, no trouble at school, respectful, etc...
She is as different from them as night and day. It was not easy, to be the bad guy all of those years but it was worth it to show my daughter a better way of life than living with the dysfunction that accompanies untreated addiction.
Prayers for you in this difficult sitation. Prayers for your Mom too, she must be really special for you to love her so much that this is so hard for you.
Welcome Wendy - I know exactly how you feel. my boy's Dad didn't always have his stuff together and their brother still doesn't. He comes to their soccer games high, what an embarrassment. One of the boys is starting to have the same mannererisms as him and walks and talk just like him, it scares the crap out of me. I am raising my twins a lot dfferent than the othe 3 kids were raised, so I pray that it will be OK, but they idolize their big brother, or at least one of them does. He just got caught with a 1/2 pound of pot! Great role model, eh?
Please keep coming back to Miracles in Progress, we are family here and we welcome you with open arms.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Thanks everyone, the support is great. It helps to hear confirmation for what I know in my heart to be true. My moms words really screws with my brain sometimes. My mom has always encouraged me to join al-anon (in her more clear-headed frame of mind) She hasn't been clear headed for a long while. I'm going to print your responses and show them to her. She needs to hear that her going on about 'family' is a load of crap. Her boyfriends whole self esteem shouldn't be based on whether I accept him or not, and it shouldn't be the basis of their relationship. Thanks, I will keep coming back.
Wendy, Big hugs! I am a newbie here too. I went to my first F2F meeting last week, and I came away feeling so much calmer about my life and my decisions. I did cry the whole meeting, but people just handed me tissues and held my hand and gave me hugs. Maybe we are more of a family than the A who is pushing into your life, because we do have this in common. Anyway, I encourage you to go to that meeting. I was afraid too, but now I wish I would have gone a long time ago. I wish you peace.
She's brought him over while house sitting for us. She's lied to him and said we have forgiven and then made excuses as to why he can't come over. This past Christmas she announced that he would be coming with her to my sisters place for dinner. Everyone said no. She's been hurt and angry since. She came to my house for Easter and told me that she can no longer keep lying to him. I am forcing her to tell him the truth and it's going to hurt her. She says it will break his heart. She said she will break up with him the same day she tells him becuase the news will put him in such a downward spiral that he will be miserable to be with. She doesn't understand why we won't accept him - he tries so hard. We are not perfect and have no right rejecting him. He is her boyfriend, therefore he is family and you never turn your back on family. What makes me so angry is that he has 3 grown daughters who want him in their lives but he has isolated himself from them to protect them from his addictions. He doesn't want to mess up their lives with it. Yet they both expect me to welcome him with open arms. My mom is very co-dependant. I feel so guilty. Our relationship has always been close and I could usually count on her. Now, she has lost her apartment from lack of work and the cost of their addictions, she is staying at the Salvation Army but her last day was Tuesday. She said she'd rather be homeless than stay with us not accepting her man. I'm torn. I know that if it wasn't for my husband I would do as she asked event though it goes against what I believe. It's all so heavy and pretty sad.