The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi. I am new to the board and would appreciate any advice you can give me. I have been married to my alcoholic husband for 7 years. Finally, I am reaching out to others in my situation because I feel so depressed and alone. I have done everything I know how to do to convince my husband to give up drinking. I have cried, screamed, had temper tantrums, begged, threatened and so on. NOTHING works. Now he just hides the vodka from me and lies about drinking. (He thinks he's hiding it, and you wouldn't believe all the places I find it.) Lately it has been so much worse. When he gets home from work, he's already drunk. He's making the entire family hate him, he's so loud and verbally abusive. I am miserable all the time. I am finding it hard to be nice to him. I have alienated myself from him. I am so confused, because I realize he must hit rock bottom before he is willing to admit he has a problem, but others are telling me I need to just kick him out. I do not know what to do. I love the sober man, but I can't live like this.
I have not been to an al anon meeting yet, but I am looking in to it. I am enabling him by staying together? What am I doing or not doing that is not helping?
One of the things we learn in the rooms of Al-anon is not to make any decisions until we've had at least 6 months worth of meetings and program to hang on to. The most important thing we can do for ourselves, is exactly what you are doing now. Reaching out to a group of similiar people who have or are going through the things you are going through and have gone through. I learned early on that it was good for me to listen to the thoughts and suggestions of others. Nobody can truly give another person advice, just the suggestions that this program has to offer us. Each situation although quite similiar is still different and what is "right" for one person might not be for the other. There are many things we do to enable the alcoholic per se, yet we do not casue them to drink, we cannot control them as a person, nor can we ourselves cure them. We just don't possess that kind of power unless another person chooses to allow us to have, but then again.... that is still their choice, not ours. I gave alot of my power to the alcoholic and my emotions until I came into Al-anon. I have learned not to do that anymore.
keep coming back... Hopefully you can find a good face to face meeting near your home as well.
Robinr, so many of us have been there, done all that, until we learn that no matter how much we beg, plead, threaten, or cajole, it will make no difference. The drinking is the most important thing, and no other considerations even come close. When and if the time comes that he is ready to turn his life around, he will, but not because of anything you have done or said.
It is a life-destroying disease, and one which we, as non-alcoholics just cannot begin to understand. But keep this in mind...you didn't cause it, you cannot cure it, and you cannot control it. It is hard sometimes not to fill ourselves with guilt. Maybe if we did something differently, he wouldn't drink. This reasoning is why you need to get yourself to an AlAnon meeting where people who have worlds of experience can help you come to terms with it and find serenity whether or not the A drinks. You will learn about setting boundaries and sticking to them. You will learn to turn him over to his HP so that you can get on with your life in a sane way.
The choice to stay or leave must be yours alone, and no one will advise you on that. But remember, your focus must be entirely on you and your dear children. I wish you well and I surround you with my prayers. Remember, you are not alone in this. All of us are dealing with an alcoholic in our lives, whether he/she is drinking or not. And all of us are here to help you. Come back often and start the healing process that will bring you back from the anger, hurt, and resentment you feel now. You deserve a pleasant life, and your children do too.
With deepest caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. I am so glad you plan on getting to a meeting, that's the best thing you can do for your family. You can learn to live with an alcoholic, many here do. Only you know how bad it is in your home, we only ask that you take your time to make such life changing decisions. The program will help you. The steps will bring new meaning to your whole life!
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Hello, robinr, I am so glad you have found your way here. Going to Alanon meetings will take time, but if you keep on going to meetings, find a sponsor to help you work the Steps, and break your isolation by speaking up at meetings and telling your most difficult situations to your sponsor, you will start to feel better. It has been true for all of us: "living with an acoholic is too much for most of us."
The others who posted have told you about all of this, too, including to not make a decision now about what to do. We don't give advice in Alanon, but we do share the experience, strength and hope we have learned to have by working the 12 Steps of Alanon. I can tell you that they have changed my life and the way I respond to difficult things in my life. I truly could not have the happiness I have in my life now unless it was for Alanon, the 12 Steps, and the courageous, hopeful, growing people in Alanon who have shared their experience, strength and hope with me so generously.
I am so grateful that you have come here. My own program is helped by your being here. Blessings and prayers to you, mebjk
Welcome, You are not alone. I'm not going to repeat what those before me have responded; they've said it better than I could, I'm sure. You are at the right place. While the details of all of our circumstances are different, you will find people here who truly understand what you are experiencing -- and they will share their experience strength and hope with you. so glad you are here. Keep coming back. Emma
I'm glad you found us. When you are ready try and get to a face to face Alanon meeting. You will find so many people who live the same situation and so much compassion, kindness and understanding. But until then, you can find that here too.
Sadly most Alcoholics need to hit their bottom before they seek help.
No one can tell you whether to stay or go, only you can make decisions about your own marriage. Staying with him is not enabling.
Read the shares, go into the chatroom. Try and get a sponsor and work the steps, and read the literature, as you learn more you will see how to detach and not to enable and not to look for his alcohol, or clean up after him. You will learn that you didn't cause his drinking and you cannot cure or contriol it. He has a disease and you can learn if you want how to live with it
No matter what you can learn to care for yourslf and make your life happier.
Hello robyn , your about to do the nxt right thing, find a meeting. Everything u have described I have been there done that too. Hang in there there is always hope. Al-Anon will help u get your life back on track , regardless of what he does . This is a disease and it always gets worse . I was told that instead of waiting for h im to hit his bottom , start looking for my top. good luck louise
About all I can tell you is that you have found the right place to be. We are all suffering with this disease in one way or another. It isn't easy, but there is a lot of help & comfort here so I hope you will keep coming back! Best wishes!
