The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
man did i ever lose it today. what a slip i had.found out my a husband is staying with his mother. he was so close to hitting bottom. he was so close to really wanting sanity and sobriety for himself and not for me. but his disease got him. or maybe it's juts him i don't know but he called and she went running. he called me first and i said no. i love you but no. i said figure it out for yourself. you've gotten sober before you know what you have to do. i said be a man and do it yourself, i know you can and it's the only chance you've got. so he called her and she dropped everything for him after he hasn't spoken to her in years. he is an active crack addict and she took him into her home where she still has 2 teens at home. oh i was pissed. i haven't been this angry in so long.totally lost it. and i let him know. and i told him to tell his family not to contact me (not that they would) or our children. i told him that he doesn't know what love is. he never saw it or got it growing up. he got pure unconditional love from his 3 girls and he tossed it away. i told him that what his mother did as far as picking him up, driving him around, doing for him what he needs to do for himself is not love. she is not doing any of this because she loves him. she is a selfish person and she will always rescue him just to ease her conscions. if he gets sober because of her then she will be the "good mom" that she's always wanted to be. and if he fails well then she has another great story for her"i am the victim" book of crap. there are years of pain here and it just came to a head today.the angry part of grief.i shouldn't have told him anything. it's not my place and after all what do i know really? i'm not god and i can't see the future. it's just that he was so damn close.it's his choice.i just hate her for knowing better but just doing what makes her feel good.it's like everything i've done has now been for nothing. my kids are wounded and for what?so he can go play house with his mommy?but here's the difference.in the past even when i first came to alanon this would have consumed me.i would be doing stupid destructive things and ignoring my kids because my mind would be swirling. tonight that's not the case. i am angry when i think about it but i don't have to think about it.and when i do i can acknowledge the feelings-it's ok to feel this way anyone would. it's a sad situation and i am hurt.i know to turn it over and ask for forgiveness for myself and my thoughts and actions. i know to pray for his recovery no matter how it comes to be. i can focus on my children so that i don't miss their lives. i am a witness to their chilhood and i am honored to be.priorities. i am still very sick but i am better than i used to be. for me i'm doing this for me.and it's working. thank you all for all of your posts. it is the most comforting thing in the world to feel lonely and come here and read that someone else feels that way too. it makes the pain less. thank you all
(((((serendipity))))) you sure seem to be doing great right now, that's right, remember to take care of yourself and your kids. i can learn so much from you thank you so much for sharing both your need to grow and change and also how much you have grown and changed - i will pray for you and all of yours. quest
"i am a witness to their chilhood and i am honored to be.priorities."
What a powerful message. Thank you, I needed to hear that. I came to the board just now consumed with thoughts about my alcholic husband. It has been awhile since I had that wake up in the morning obsessed thinking. I was sitting and trying to figure out how I got there again, what my triggers were. I need to do more reflection, but, today I have a great day in front of me that I can enjoy with my kids. My son will pitch today for the first time and my older son will umpire. Their dad will miss both. An indirect result of his addiction, as he has to work at a job that will consume his time and not allow the luxury of seeing these firsts. He has to work this job because his addiction cost him the job he had for over 20 years. The kind of job that allowed for family time. Now he is at the mercy of a job just to make his own ends meet, not anything more.
So today, I am grateful that I have choices. I can be there for my children. That I can enjoy the things in their life that mean so much to them. My own disease has not taken that away from me, unless I let it, by slipping into a world of self pity.
Your children are so lucky that you love and appreciate the time you have with them.
I can relate to the issue with his mother rescuing him. My husband probably will never hit bottom. His Mom has said that while there is a breath left in her she willnot allow it. She takes him in, accomodates his drinking, waits on him hand and foot, provides him with money, transportation and anything else he needs.
I have been giving a lot of thought to how I am "helping" in his having the best of all worlds. I take care of this house, work extra do the kids don't do without. He comes and goes as he pleases to see the kids and calls when he wants to talk with them.
Since he doesn't work, he has the luxury of time to play Daddy when ever the feeling hits him. I am withthe kids all the time, and love every minute of it, but I miss out on some plays and activities becasue of work. He gets to be wherev er he wants as she provides for him, and since I haven't taken him to court for support, he doesn't need to work.
He can be an eternal teenager adn an occasional Dad.
He justifies his not working with thinking he is there to take care of his Mother as his dad has passed away.
I admitt I do get angry and resentful. I have been looking into why I feel this way, and what I can do to change it. I get angry with her for making his life so easy, but I know my anger is misplaced. She will do what she will and I can't change it. He will do what he will and I can't change that, all I can change is me.
I try and have compassion that he is sick and his health is failing, but he is doing this. He is choosing to live this way, and accept sanctuary from his Mother. But I do not always succeed. Hey I guess, that is why its progress not perfection. I see the problems with me, and have to figure them out.
