It's amazing the things that stand out when you wake up from the fog of oppression and take notice of the beautiful things that HP has placed in your path... 

I was driving to pick the kids up from school the other day and I was driving down the road and noticed these long thick bushes bordering the road that had these brilliant pink and white flowers on them.  I never noticed them before and I've been driving that road for almost a year!!  I had to ask myself did they just plant them, why haven't I noticed them. 

I got a massage last night to work out the kinks in my neck and back.  As I'm laying there I realized that I had not treated myself to a massage in 3 years, before my kids were born.  That got me thinking about other things I have ignored in my life.  I've stopped spending time at the beach and by the water.  I love the water, it was so healing and relaxing to me.  I stopped socializing, I stopped caring about how I loooked.  In the past couple of weeks I have really spent more time with myself and discovering that I'm still alive.  It's an awakening of my spirit.  My A is still struggling with his problems, and I continue to turn those problems over in prayer every day.  Prayers are being answered little by little.  I realize that his progress will be slow and I've accepted that. 

Last night I became overwhelmed with all the birthday things needed to be done for the boys.  I said one thing negative to him, "You smell"  from smoking pot... he got majorly defensive, I yelled a bit he yelled a bit, called me a b*$@! and slammed the door.  So I'm making cupcakes and was ticked at him.  I realized he got so upset because he has said twice in two weeks that he wanted to quit smoking but hasn't, he got desperate last night and found an old pipe, cracked it open and scraped the resin out of it and smoked that.  I thought to myself, doesn't he see how desperate that it is just to get that high feeling?  My statment reminded him of how much he feels like crap over it.  So I apologized for yelling and explained I am overwhelmed and asked if he would help out with some stuff the next day.  He said yes he would.  I asked him to apologize for calling me a name, as I have done amazing with keeping name calling out of the arguments, I told him it hurts and its dirty fighting.  He agreed and apologized.  I love how I feel!!  I actually feel happy these days with my life and proud of myself for standing up for myself, but not allowing myself to get bent out of shape when he can't give me emotionally what I need or validate me. 

I'm grateful for my two babies who are 3 years old today!!  Can't believe i was in labor with them for over 24 hours and managed the strength and energy to push them out into this world.  This afternoon is a cupcake party with 13 preschooler's, tomorrow Chuck E. Cheese, and cake and ice cream with their cousins.  We are gonna have some fun.  I'm grateful I'm in a good place because I can enjoy it genuinely and not let the other garbage get in the way. 

Hugs to all,

Twinmom~