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Last night was another night of the roller coaster emotions of my husband. What started out quietly enough turned into him slamming things around and ranting & raving about everything under the sun. I, however, did not go there with him. I chose to stay serene, not let him affect my mood, etc. I did very well at not getting into the mix with him - and found it wasnt that difficult. The kids also did not get involved with his behaviors - which was also nice to see. So there is the pride part.
Now the other side of the coin, of which I am not sure what I should do. During his rants last night he threw his wedding ring at me in anger. This is something he has done many times in the past. Later in the evening he asked me for it, and I didnt give it back to him. Along with all of this I believe that I caught him, not intentionally, sneaking beer to his car. I again chose not to get into the issues with him, I went online to the meeting and heard some great things that I needed to hear. Turned over my feelings over the evening and my suspicions to HP and slept great. This morning hubs called like nothing happened, all in a good mood, asked for his ring again, etc. I simply explained that he made choices that he has to live with. However, is it my choice to be part of the issuing the consequences ie: not giving the ring back? I have stated how I feel once and I wont voice it again. I dont want to be a punishing person, but I also want him to know that I wont tolerate unacceptable behavior. Where is the line between taking care of myself begin and the line of punishment end?
Any input would be helpful. Thanks all
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
I can completely understand the whole thing about the wedding ring. I won't and cannot tell you what you should do, but can share my experience with you. One night my husband went to the casino, came home the next day, had been drinking, blah, blah, blah...he was not wearing his ring. I did not really notice until he made a point of taking it out of his pocket in front of me to put it back on. Of course, at the time, I was hurt, angry the whole thing. I did eventually see it for what it was, a manipulation. The disease was doing the talking.
Another time, shortly after we separated, and a million manipulations later to get back into the house, my husband stopped by for something. I do not know what the premise of the visit was, but shortly after he was there became abundantly aware, yet another manipulation. We were talking in our bedroom when he got up abruptly and went over to the pull chain on the ceiling fan, reached up and removed his wedding ring from the chain. I had not even seen it there, and probably would not have had he not made such a show of taking it down and putting it back on. (what in the world was that!!!) The disease, nutty thinking. I do not think that I even really reacted, it was too absurd for words.
Well, it is his ring, he can take it off, put it on, take it off, put it on. In a weird sort of way this behavior is so appropriate. To me the rings symbolize the marriage, and if the marriage were consistent then so to would be the wearing of the rings that symbolize that marriage. The taking off of the ring, the throwing it around, hanging it from a ceiling fan chain, the complete insanity of these gestures simply symbolizes the state at which my marriage is in.
Yet again, you are not alone, we have all been there. It is scary sometimes how parallell the lives of those affected by this disease are.
My wife did something similar. We each have a dresser in the bedroom. One day when she decided I was out to get her instead of arguing the point I went to bed. (it was late anyway)
When I got up the next morning her wedding set was on my dresser. Now she has done this before as a way of saying "I quit". Well this time I put them in the lock box.
She called me at work and asked if I had "seen" her rings anywhere... I said sure I did they were out on the dresser and I didn't want to leave them out in the open all day so I put them away.
Last time that happened in a long time. She wanted that to insite a riot, but since I didn't do that she is looking for other ways.
Maybe someday she will run out of ideas!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
First off, great job of not "playing" with him! Kudo's to you and the kids!!!!
Regarding the ring...wow...that's a good one. I have no advice for you or experience to share...as my ex never threw her ring at me.
But the ring issue sure took me back.
I actually gave my ex two rings.... when we first started having a serious relationship before we were married I gave her a posey ring which had an inscription in french that translated to forever you friend.
She loved this ring and wore it from the day I gave it to her...I cant remember it being off her finger for nearly 11 years.
Then the engagement/wedding ring followed in the first rings footsteps about a year and a half later.
She came home from work one day wearing neither about 6 months prior to our seperation and subsequent divorce. I can remember how my heart just fell down into my stomach like a big ole lump of lead.
I used to put way too much power in those symbols and "things". I try not to do that anymore.
However I wonder...because she kept those rings....what did she do with them.
What do you do with those old wedding rings after the marriage is over?
Wow, sorta got to ramblin there!!!!
I wonder why he wants the ring back? For future manipulations? Sorry...what?
Oh boy wedding rings ... my husband wore his for about 3 days, then it sat for years in a cup, then it got pawned, then he got it back, than it sat in a cup ... it's too big ... my best friend is a goldsmith, would take 10 minutes tops to size his finger, in 8 years he has not done it. the other day I asked him since he has never worn it if I could have the gold made into someting else for me, nope ... I picked it up out of the cup anyway and it's in my purse. Not sure yet what to do with it but I know I was tired of seeing it in that cup. I took my own off last year, put it on his keychain and said the next time you want to steal something from our house and pawn it, pawn that. He never did and eventually gave it back. Now it sits in the safe at work, I'll probably stick his there too.
Wow what an interesting topic. I can't tell you what to do either. If I cannot decide what to do, I just sit on it for a while and it eventually comes to me.
Wedding Rings. A symbol of love, of life together, sharing all the good and the bad for eternity. Isn't that the whole reason for the RING - a never ending circle of trust? Amazing how it can turn into a meaningless piece of jewelry.
My AH NEVER takes his off. Not even when he had an affair and wanted to leave me for the other woman. Not when he has had one night stands, etc. So considering he never takes it off to cheat or lie or do the things to himself (drugs & alcohol) that he knows iare destroying him & our marriage, I would say that the ring doesn't hold much symbolism to him at all. On or off, it just doesn't matter any more. I think that if he ever took it off and threw it at me, I would keep out of spite. For the simple reason that he threw it AT me.
It sounds like he knows that the ring pushes certain buttons w/you. If you elimate those buttons (by eliminating the ring or by not letting it effect you anymore), then maybe this particular manipulation will cease. Treat the ring like any other household item. If he threw say his shoe at you, would you keep it, give it back or just put it back in his closet? Putting it in that perspective may help you decide how you should handle this situation. Just a suggestion. God luck w/it.
