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I'm annoyed. I haven't talked to any of my husband's family for a year minimum more for some of them. I stopped being involved in thier illusion and decided my efforts were being wasted on people who did not care. So I stopped trying ... what happened after was not one of them contacted me, and he stopped inviting me to family functions except once a year to maybe prove he was still married to his Mother for a couple hours.
Anyway I happened to answer the phone when his Mom called. We had a pleasant conversation with each other. I shocked her though, the truth just kept flying out of my mouth. She asked me to attend a family function, and before I could think I said I'm not usually invited to those except as arm candy for a few hours and then sent off so he can get loaded with the family. She said well then you can come with me ... when I hesitated she asked if she smelled ... I laughed and said that was not why I was hesitating ... she understood. She asked if being married was like living alone with a marriage certificate? No more like having a filthy room mate with occassional good sex. She snorted Ok so all of that part I can actually be fairly proud of.
Then I was told how another family member had been informing her of what I was doing for the last year. All the construction on moving the business, losing my dogs ... everything. I was so surprised and said so because not one of them had even been to see what I have been up to, which included gutting and remodeling an entire building 13 hours a day for 3 months with part time help from my Dad, brother and sometimes even husband. She tried to tell me I was wrong because they knew everything ... I let it go but I am so disgusted. it's just another example of how his family pretends to be so close and caring. If they actually gave a rat's *ss they could have stopped by at some point in the last 9 months since the project was started. UUUGGGHHHH it's just ugly to me. I know I have to let this go and be OK with who I am but right now who I am is disgusted with them. And scared because if a phone call can make me lose my peaceful inside what will a face to face do?
Jennifer does it really matter what any of his family thinks? You know what you have achieved. Maybe there is a slight hint of jealousy there by some members of his family at how strong you actually are. You should be really proud of yourself for answering straight about the family gathering it made me smile. Get the focus back on you and good luck with the tests. Luv Leo xxx
I am a new to this message board, but after writing my first message I feel better. I hope that that also happen to you after you were to write it down.
wow your story sounds so familiar. i haven't spoken to my in-laws in almost 3 years.i've had occasion to see them and i used to just ignore them but recently i've decided to just be polite. i think i've detatched with love but then.... my a husband told me that he was going to go live with his mother (and brothers and sisters who all are mentally ill and drink and do drugs) and i flipped. we are not together and i really have no intention of ever going back although who knows what tomarrow holds. never say never. but still he hasn't had anything to do with them either for 3 years and now that he's high they'll just open their arms to him. my mother in law and i were close for many years. but the drama that was going on in my life was enough for me and i couldn't handle theirs and so i was out. they are sick whatever i've learned to accept that what has happened has happened and pray that someday they might find recovery so that the next generation doesn't have to suffer.i don't know where my husband is now. he might be there and i'm ok with it. i said my peace and i let it go. god will take care of him and whatever he needs to go thru to get help. i teach my youngest sister in law and see her 3 times a week. but we keep it all about work. thats i think how we both want it.she is young and has nothing to do with any of it. my kids have suffered the most over the years. my in laws were always there to babysit or just play. then they just stopped calling. my kids at the time lost their family, their dad, their home and me. i lost my mind. today i am better and am here for them every way i can be. that's all i can do. i have filled our lives and our parties with program people. i grieved the loss of the family. and always remembered that this disease tore us apart. still i have arguments in my head with all of them at times but i catch myself and laugh at my own insanity, send out some love and go on with my day not giving a thought to them and their day.
It's good to be able to tell the truth and not pretend, isn't it? Of course it was hard to get to that point for me. Pretending was all I knew how to do.
Anyhow, I have an opposite situation. My ex's family is pretty darn wonderful to me. Right now the ex is living with a criminal who has actually done a drug crime in front of one of my daughters. Of course, I have a problem with the criminal part. (It's funny, the girlfriend thinks I am jealous, but nothing could be further from the truth - I'm glad he's not pestering me anymore!) So my mother in law has gone to bat with me on this whole thing. (It does happen to help that the girlfriend perpetuated a very expensive fraud against the mil...).
But they are still a family of dysfunction and I can still only handle them in small doses. My mother in law means well, generally her heart is in the right place, but it usually comes out kind of warped and twisted. She tends to show her affection with money, but when it comes to personal time, it's about her. Everything everyone does is more about how it has to do with her rather than what's going on with them. So I know what you mean, in a way, about extended family of the other side of the family.
When we first separated, the ex was going around telling folks the reason we did was because I beat him. (Once I threw a baby bottle across the room and it happened to hit him) The real reason behind the separation had more to do with the fact that he informed me of an affair he was having and how he planned to continue it. I suggested that moving out the next day might be a good idea, then. Unfortunately, my mother in law (and many others, for that matter) happened to believe that I was this evil shrew as a result of the tales that the ex was spreading. But...and I repeat but....(and it took every ounce of determination to do this) I continued to hold my tongue and live my own life and not say a thing about him.
Well, character happened to win out over evil lies - in this situation. Of course, when we first separated, I was a truly sick puppy. I was an active (not drinking, but living full in the ISM of it all) alcoholic myself - never even thought recovery was necessary/needed. Although my drinking had not taken me to outwardly horrendous lengths (for as long as they knew me), my insides were so mangled and distorted I was diagnosed with several really funky mental disorders.
While there is some truth and validity to many mental illnesses, I have found that FOR ME, working the 12 steps of this program have made it so that I can no longer be diagnosed with any of those funky little mental illnesses. I do NOT say this because I think it's a cure all for everyone, I know there are many that NEED to be treated and stay treated. I just wanted to say that little caveat lest anyone think I am suggesting to go off meds or stop counseling or anything because I am not saying that.
Geez, I really went off on a tangent, didn't I? Anyhow, it's amazing to me that as I got better, so did my relationships with the people around me. There are some who are no longer in my life at all. There are some that are only in my life on a limited basis (there truly is a reason why I live in one state and my family lives a couple states over...) and there are those who I am blessed beyond measure to count as friends.
I think that as I became more honest and real (progress...haven't arrived on this one completely yet), my relationships became more honest and real as well.
Yet again I am amazed at how I can read my own life in other's posts. My husband and I separated about 4 months ago. I had slowly been detaching from his dysfunctional family before that, but since I have little to no contact with many of them. He is living with his father. His sister and her 18 year old twins live there as well. His 40 year old brother is often there and still has his room there (having just been through his umpteenth program and received SSI, he is living "on his own" for the first time in his life). MY FIL is a dry drunk, having stopped drinking when my MIL passed away 12 years ago, but no program. There are 4 others, some in and out of recovery, others with all the isms and not the compulsion to drink. Needless to say, they are not healthy. But anyway, I am detaching from them. This was a big thing for me. A year and a half ago, (during active drinking - how nuts and I), I had offered to put an addition on my house for my FIL. Little rescuer/fix-it Lynn to the rescue. Well, My HP saw fit for that not to happen and boy am I grateful. LOL, my husband would be living in my addition today. And without my FIL house, there would be no dysfunction central. It is a crucial part of who they are, the house I mean, it symbolizes so much more than four walls.
So anyway, I was quite enmeshed in their lives. My FIL came to my house daily for years. He shared meals, came to see my kids at sports events, just stopped by (sometimes to an annoying degree). Well, He has not seen my children since my husband and I separated. He does not call them. The rest of the bunch called to check on me for the first couple of weeks and then nothing. I did speak to one SIL regarding a banking issue this week (but she is married in like me). She asked me if my husband was helping financially, I said no, she went on and on about why not? blah, blah, blah... She has been around this family for longer than me, you'd think she would get it by now. I swear, I could drop off the face of the earth with my kids and none of them would even know. It just amazes me.
Strangely, in all this dysfunction, my husband was always the rescuer, the go to guy. I guess the need to be rescued is just throwing them all for a loop. A shift in their universe of dysfunction. The whole thing reminds me of the "Merry-go-round" pamphlet. I can just watch the play from the audience today.
I try and stay away from my in-laws as well. My MIL and my husband are addicted to each other. Both his parents had enabled him for many years to the extent that he never did anything for himself or took any responsibility for his actions. My FIL passed away in December and my husband and his Mother have become even more immeshed. To her I am always the one who is wrong, I don't do enough, I do too much etc. Occasionally things can be civil with us, but never for long, she refuses to stop babying him and I can't make her do it, no one can. My SIL likes to have parties and my husband is not only encouraged but expected to drink. If he doesn't people might ask questions.
My Other Brother and Sister in Law just choose to stay out of it. They do not approve of what my husband does, but don't want any trouble. Them I fully agree with. They just live their own lives.
I am happiest when I have nothing to do with these people, all it ever does is make me doubt myself and make me miserable.
Such a familiar story. I stay in weekly contact w/my AH mom & her side of the family. I however have not spoken to or seen anyone from his dad's side of the family in 11 or 12 years. I don't like and never have liked the way they make me feel. They would talk bad about another family member behind his/her back and as soon as that person walked in, sit there pretty-as-you-please & dote over that person like he/she is the greatest person in the world. I realized after our 1st year of marriage together that if they did that to blood family, what in the world were they saying behind my back. I decided back then I didn't care what they said but I sure as heck was not going to give them any ammo. I cut communication. Now all they can say is how I never come around or call. Other than that, let em have at it. I just don't care.
Ok so all of that part I can actually be fairly proud of.
