The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today, I talked to my A. I hadn't talked to him in awhile. Told him I needed sometime to work on me. I think he was reseptive to that. I have to focus on me and find my inner beauty or what I call my angeleyes. With everything going on in my life right now I don't have alot of energy to focus on the us thing. Before I came here I was done I couldn't even handle talking to my A. But I am trying to be forgiving because I know it is a disease and not his fault. But it is so hard somedays. I go threw a rollercoaster of emotions. Love, Sadness, Happiness, Fear, Regret, Hurt, Anger, Resentment, I don't want to feel this way, I want to understand why I have so many emotions in me and why I feel them all in a 24 hr time frame. I just want me I miss the way I was before it was him and me. I don't know how to find it again. I have been searching for awhile and I have hurt a few along the way. I have appologized to them but I don't know that I could forgive me for what I have done to them. So I will keep praying in hopes that someday I might get forgiveness from them. I have so many questions so many unanswered about why I have become so almost needy and untrusting, and I became jealous. I have never been this way before. I just don't understand what has happend to me....... Where do I begin to find the person I have in me. I know I will never be the same too much has happend to me but I still want to find what I have lost over the years. My sanity, my peace, my happiness, my thoughts, my wants and desires. Most of all I forgive me for who I have become my goal now is to be the person I know I am capable of.
Thanks for all your support it helps knowing I am not alone,
Angeleyes
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I believe in my HP to show me the way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We all start with step 1. you sound like you have a good handle on his disease and that you need to work on yourself. None of us want those nasty emotions you listed. By getting yourself into the program they will slowly disappear. We are here for you to listen. Help you get through the steps on the step board, you can join us in chat and you can vent away your bad days here. You are absolutely not alone and I can almost guarantee someone here has a story very similar to your own.
Keep coming back, Miracles in Progress is a great place for support in addition to your local program. Welcome home!!!!!
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I know how it is to change into a different person. Angry and unsure of herself. I used to want to punish my husband (A). Now I do understand, I have days where teh anger returns and days where I am a little unsure and many days where I am confused, but my faith in myslef as a person has returned. I know I am strong, I know I have value. All thanks to Alanon.
I still miss my husband and I still love him and wish he could be with us, but I know he can't. maybe someday I will be able to let go, maybe not, I guess that is up to HP.
(((Angeleyes))) you're going to be OK because you want to find the old you - changed by your experiences. I found the old me. Not the naive me who plowed into disaster, but a more grown-up, experienced me. I did this by realizing the old way wasn't beneficial for me, and then reaching out for help. My help came from my HP in the form of AlAnon steps, and the fellowship which helped me through the steps. I am able to live my old ideals most of the time. I have a better perspective, because I have been that person I no longer want to be. I re-connected with people I had isolated from. I like myself better now. I am a better companion to myself now. I know my HP better now. I really had to fasten my seatbelt, but I got farther along the path. I started to believe in my abilities, in my (old) values and in what makes me... me! My days of confusion are fewer. still have them though. ---Jill
I chaired a meeting today. I picked a reading from "In All Our Affairs..." and it spoke alot about judgement. I chose it because I'm having an aweful lot of trouble w/ judgement and forgiveness.
Some shared about how accepting that their A was sick and it was an illness allowed them to be less judgemental and more forgiving. I was still sitting there thinking that I can forgive the sick and ill but I'm having a hard time forgiving their actions.
Something hit me in after many shares. I've often heard in doing step 4 and step 6 that it helps to become aware not only of the defect but what the defect did for you. How did that defect server you, even if it was as a dysfunctional coping mechanism. That makes it a little more gentle to give up. Well I started thinking, that I think my judgementalism was serving me by allowing me to justify and rationalize my behaviors and decisions.
This has reared it's ugly head as my A almost tried to come back home last week. When I heard the news I got a pit in my stomach and then I got angry. I've thought of seperating from my wife for sometime. I questioned getting married, I questioned buying a house together, I thought about leaving the last time we went through this.
Right now I don't want her in the house. I don't want her near our children, for their own good. I use the anger and judgement to justify my position, instead of just saying, I'm doing what I feel is right and I'm sorry if you don't agree with me.
I need to Let this go cause how I'm dealing w/ it now, just doesn't do me any good.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
