I am very sad today.  I haven’t been on here much because I can only get on at work.  Just a little update on recent events.

He was so drunk one Friday night – man I can’t even remember when, all these days are just melting together – but a month or so ago.  He fell and hit his side on the corner of an old WWI chest that I have – it has metal corners.  The next morning he could hardly breathe and was really in pain.  I drive him to the emergency room – on the way there he asked me how he fell and I told him because he was drunk.  He didn’t even trip on anything.  He is worried he may have punctured a lung.  I’m concerned too but secretly inside I’m thinking that this is a good thing.  He says he doesn’t want to get drunk anymore and do stuff like that.  It ends up he has fractured rib 9 in 2 spots and rib 10.  I’m trying to contain my joy at his “wake up call”.  I’m thinking that God had this happen for a reason.

So he’s off of work for a few days.  He calls me at work 3 days later so drunk I can hardly understand him.  Now he’s mixing his pain meds with booze and of course that about triples the effect of the alcohol.  I yell at myself inside “you are so naïve to think that anything would have changed.”  “How stupid can I be.”

Things go on “as usual”.  Some good days, some bad and the usual verbal abuse of how everything is my fault and that it’s all because I don’t have sex with him.

A few weeks ago he comes home drunk – nothing new here.  At 10:00 he decides he wants to shave  his head (he normally does this in the summer but I usually will clip it and shave it for him).  I am not going to cut his hair and shave his head for him at 10:00 at night.  He takes his razor and goes outside, about an hour later he comes in with maybe a few pieces of hair shaved.  He then decides to finish it in the upstairs bathroom, I go to bed but cannot fall asleep.  Eventually I doze off until I hear him come out of the bathroom at about 1:30 am.  There is blood all over the place.  Turns out he nicked his ear pretty good – just a lot of blood.  He finally asks me nicely if I would finish his head for him.  I do, because I don’t want him to kill himself.  I cut his hair, shave his head with the clippers and then with a razor.  Takes me about ½ an hour.   In the morning before work he thanks me.  I told  him he could have really injured  himself.  He agrees.  He tells me he won’t get drunk.

You can see where this is leading.  Promises that I always want to believe.  A few good days and then back on the rollercoaster ride.

The last couple of times he’s been drunk I’ve been telling him he better get his finances in order because I’m giving him until July to pretty much shape up or ship out.  This finally sinks in, or so I believe.  Monday night he gets drunk, same old story.  Tuesday he tells me that he’ll agree to go to “a meeting” of some sort to try to stop or control his drinking, but he would like my involvement also.  He would like  me to find out some information about different meetings, different recovery programs, literature, etc.  I am totally shocked.  Of course I agree.  So Wednesday at work I start looking in the telephone book for information.  I look on the internet and download some stuff that I think will be beneficial to him.  Some of it pretty practical and that I’m sure he will relate to.  I put it all in a nice folder, all organized.  I bring it home and put it with his mail.  He doesn’t come home until almost 7:30.  Very drunk.  He immediately starts in with the verbal abuse and how I don’t have sex with him.  I won’t put up with his crap now.  I tell him he’s got until July.  I get up and put the washed dishes away.  He brought home some burgers to eat.  I eat mine – I ask him if he’s going to come and eat his burger.  Of course, he’s had too much alcohol to think of eating.  And now he’s angry at me so he’s not going to eat.  He gets up mumbling about how he’s not going to eat – I’ll give mine to the dogs, he says.  Like I should feel sorry for him.  He rips his hamburger in two and is ready to give it to the dogs.  I say “Wait!”  “Does it have onions on?”  (Onions are toxic to dogs – it does something with their blood and hurts their liver).  He says to me “I don’t care!” 

WHAT!!!!  I love my 2 dogs with all my heart and soul and I thought he did too.  He’s an animal lover as I am.  I step in front of him, between him and the now drooling labs.  I say “you don’t care if they get sick?!”  He yells at me again and throws his hamburger on the table and storms away.  I take the meat off the bun to check – no onions.  I break the meat up into 4 pieces and give each dog 2 pieces.  I throw the rest away.

I clean up the table, not saying a word.  I go outside to play fetch with the dogs.  I know they are picking up on all this negative energy.  We go in, they don’t really want to play because they know something is going on.  Zeus, our black lab who is 3 ½ years old, climbs up on my lap and gives me kisses.  I pet him and tell him it’s okay, don’t worry.  But they still are picking up on the negative energy because I just can’t block it out.

This in turn makes me very sad and depressed because I am hurting my dogs.  He also tells me “I don’t say I love you anymore because I don’t love you.”  I am neither happy or sad about this.  I have no feelings.  I am depressed, I am worthless.  I pray to God and thank Him for loving me, but I am still depressed.  I think of the song by Simon and Garfunkel “I am a rock, I am an island.  And a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries.”  “I am shielded in my armor, I touch no one and no one touches me….. I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain…. I am a rock, I am an island…..”