The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been doing so much thinking and taking a long hard look at my life.
On Easter Sunday though we had a nice day, when I look at it nothing has changed. My husband is not here, but his ways are still with us. His not showing up and calling drunk etc. We have learned to continue on without him, but the kids are still let down. We cannot go visit my family as they are too far away, and I cannot take the time off from work. When I hear of the way they spent the holiday all together, I have to admitt I am enviouse, and I miss them.
I had put off speaking with my huband to try and get back on my feet. Well I am feeling like myself again and I can't use that as an excuse anymore. When he stopped by the other day I was just coming in from work, so I just went and lay down in my room until he left.
I know I want things to change and I know I can only change me, but after so many years we are very tied together.
His unemployment runs out nest week and he hass amde no effort to find another job. The little bit he does contribute will be stopping after this last check. When I sawe him the other say I was shocked at how bad he looked. His face and abdomin are so swollen. He did tell me the Dr said his liver enzymes are way up, he said he told the truth and said he slipped a little when his Dad died, and that is why. That isn't the truth, he has been drinking all the time since then, but I kept quiet. I have no control over his health.
I have been looking into ways to improve the kids and my financial position and have come up with a few. I think the only way I can get him to contribute financially by getting a job is through the courts. The hard part is I don't know how to take someone I love to court. I know it will get ugly and I don't know if I can bear that. I know my husband and I know that he will take it as the ultimate betrayal and his Mother will only reinforce that to him. He will have no problem trying to make me out as a monster and she will be very happy to back him up. The only winners here will be the lawyers and my kids will be the victims. I'm sure of this.
After so many years of marriage I want to sit down with him and try to get him to understand that he needs to work, he has six children to support, that I am tired of doing it alone. I would love to sit down and have a rational discussion with my husband. The problem is that I am well aware that I cannot have a rational discussion with an actively drinking A, who does not believe he is doing anything wrong. He is not rational and a rational discussion is not possible. I would have a better chance with my 5 year old.
If I tell him I am trying to speak to him so we can try and work this out without the courts, he will percieve it as a threat. It isn't a threat, it is a last shot before involving the courts.
The time away form him has gotten me past my anger. I am not angry with him any longer. I feel sad for him. I look at him and it hurts to see him looking so bad. I see his situation with his Mother as pathetic, and I see teh attempts he makes to justify it as pathetic as well. I have thought long and hard about my marriage and what I want for myslf, and how I want to and deserve to be treated. I realize I want it all, and I deserve it all. Happily ever after only happens in fairytales, but I deserve to have a partner that loves me as much as I love him and who looks at me the way that I look at him. I give 100% to my marriage and family and I deserve no less. I know that this man I love with all my heart is not capable of this. He may love me as much as he can, but his loyalties to his birth family will always supercede the kids and I, and he cannot love himself let alone us as we deserve to be loved.
The thought of taking him to court hurts so much. The one attorney I spoke to told me that if I could not take a hard line against him, I would be shooting myself in the foot. My dad told me this as well. I know what I need to do, but don't think I am capable of it.
I am not looking to file for Divorce, just support, but I do think that if I do that, my MIL will talk him into filing for Divorce. He can get angry and nasty when cornered, and has no trouble bad mouthing me to others, especially when he has been drinking and he views his Mothers opinions as law.
If I try and sit down with him and discuss this with no threats, and common sence, am I setting myself up for failure? I have no expectations, but I feel I owe it to our marriage. At this time I do not want a divorce, I love him and have for most of my life. We share a past and six wonderful children. I had alsways dreamed of growing old together, but today, I am fairly sure that if nothing changes, he will not be growing old at all, never mind with me. I don't expect, but continue to hold onto hope that he will eventually seek help and find recovery. I don't expect it, but I do hope.
I thought about what someone had posted the other day about her partner being in the hospital with cerosis, and I know I could not bear not seeing his face again. A face I know as well as my own. I know as his health fails that my MIL would try to keep the kids and I from him if anythng happend. She did this once before, when I was at the airport and he had to be taken to the hospital. She told the hospital he was single and she was his next of kin. When I got up there, I had to show my drivers license and have the nurse call his Dr to get into intensive care. When he was better, I told him what happened and he said his Mother was upset and just forgot he was married. We had been married well over 10 years at the time.
I know I have to do something, but I don't know what to do. How insane would I be to try and get him to do the things he has to do, without involving the courts? I need him to financially help me with these children, I know the courts can force him to, but I really hate the idea of taking that step. I know it would be the end, no matter what I want.
I don't know of any other options. I know that if I got him alone and not drinking, there is a chance to get through to him. But it would go out the window as soon as he had a few drinks, or went back and told his mother.
I feel like I am out of choices and my only hope is the one thing I do not really want to do. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
I know exactly what you mean about having a conversation remembered, mine doesn't remember conversations from we he is sober! They have killed too many brain cells that hold short term memory. You could check with the State Aid offices, many will go after support for you, without a lawyer. Last year I got my child support raised just by filling out some forms and the child support recovery unit lawyer. It all looked as if they initiated it too.
If I were you I would dig out that marriage certificate and copy it and keep a copy in the car maybe. Boy scout Mom here - Be Prepared!
I too am so sadden by my AH, he is such a great guy. A productive, handy guy, very active in the community, and he slowly pulled away from almost all activities. It is so sad that someone with such a great heart with so much to give, could be such a wasteful drunk now with no ambition to anything but drink. I hope that with the boys and I leaving it opens his eyes and he returns to the man I fell in love with that gave and gave and gave to everyone! I hope he fills his time volunteering again and not sitting at home drinking, but that is up to him, and we are not going back regaardless, we are so happy alone with no anger in the house.
You have a lot of years invested in your marriage, but it is not your fault it is failing. You have to what you have to do to take care of you and the kids. I did not like the fact that I had to leave a second husband, but it had to be done for our serenity. And so far so good!
Hugs, Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I just want to commend you on the great job you do everyday.
You know you have to do what is best for you and your children. I believe you will know when the time is right. You are one of the strongest people I've ever come across.
I can so relate to your situation. I was supporting only 2 kids on my own with no help from the A. I decided I had to do whatever it took to help my kids. It's a matter of survial and quality of life. I figured that my kids deserved to be supported by the two people that made them, and if my A was not willing to do this on his own, then the courts would. I didn't feel guilty cause my kids needed an advocate, and that's me. He's the one controling his actions, you can only control your actions and how to react to the A.
Also, what helped me was to be around people that loved me and the kids. I had to move close to family cause I needed them so much. It made a big difference. Anyway, my kids are grown now and are making good choices for themselves. It's amazing how well adjusted they are despite of the bad crap they had to deal with growing up. I think it was the constant discussion we had about the situation. I never once "put down" their dad, but used the approache that he was sick, they should recognise it for what it is, and they can love him anyway. Taught them how to set boundaries. And the fact that they knew they were the most important people in my life, unconditionally I did what I needed to do for them. I have never regreted standing up and fighting for them and what they deserved.
I know our sitautions may be different but know how the feelings are so much similar. I will ask that God bless you and guide you through every decision that you make.
First of all Jeannie, I want to tell you how much I admire your strength and spirit. You keep going in the face of such adversity; it is a mystery to me how you do it. Your children are blessed to have you, as you are to have them.
Now, the nitty gritty stuff! These six beautiful lives are as much his responsibility as they are yours. Well, seven actually. You deserve love and support too. And I am not telling you anything you don't already know, so just pretend I didn't say that. If he refuses to do his part to see that these young ones have every benefit a father can offer, then it is up to the courts to see that he does, like it or not. You may feel sorry about taking him to court, but look at it this way...he OWES those kids a decent life. He OWES those kids food, clothing, medical care, and education. You are so loving and kind, and that's great, but try to leave your feelings aside and focus on what your children deserve.
Whatever you do, you have my support and prayers. You are the kind of person many of us wish we could be.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I can feel how conflicted your feelings are, and I am sorry you are going through this. There does not seem to be any easy answers right now. I don't have any experience in this but want you to know I care, and am rooting for you and your kids every step of the way. I really understand your description of your husband's loyalty to his birth family, normally a great quality, it somehow gets a twisted effect by this disease. You are a loving, strong, wonderful person, I know your decisions will be the best ones that can be made for you. Take care.
