The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First of all - thank you for those of you who have taken time to respond to my cries for help! Thank you for helping me to see what was blocking me from my higher power!
I have had an epiphany and I need to share this:
Last night after almost 2 weeks with no proper sleep, I told him that it was over. I told him that I had listened to his messages from the other women and that I had erased them. The first thing he did was start to get mad at me for erasing them, and then he asked me to tell him to describe who they were. He wanted me to apologize for invading his privacy. I was blown away that he didn't seem to hear what I was saying - that it's OVER. I thought - he really is sick, and of course he never believes me when I say it's over, so I suppose that should be expected. I told him no contact and that if he wanted to talk to me about business, he could leave a note in my mailbox. I had to go over later to get something I needed, and he tried to explain (once again) but this time I said NO. I could feel myself being drawn back in and I really said NO! It was like I knew I needed to ride this pain out, in order to get to the other side, and I did. I went home and cried myself to sleep but before that, I asked my higher power to help me get through this and be strong.
When I woke up this morning, I felt as though this huge weight of 11 years of pain had been lifted right out of my body. I felt no hate, no anger, just absolutely relieved. All the stress creases from around my face had lifted, and I couldn't believe how great I was feeling.
In that moment, upon awakening, I understood the first step truly and completely. I realized that HIS addictions and my addiction to his world, had led me away from my HP. I realized that when someone tries to control everyone in their life, and believe that they need to BE the HP, they have blocked out the HP themselves and do not trust enough to let go of that control. So he had BECOME my HP for 11 years, and I didn't understand why I was getting so sick and so lethargic and SO OUT OF CONTROL OF MY OWN LIFE!
In my life, during hard times, I had not always believed in a higher power, but subconsciously known it was there. When I became ENMESHED in his world, there was NO higher power - he made it known that he was the higher power within the relationship. 'I'm the boss' - he would say, while barking orders to his children and me. For whatever terrible things happened in his life, he stopped believing or may never have.
I feel so free I could fly. I'm not even mad at him. I feel sorry for him, that he may never have this epiphany. I am disappointed in myself a little that this took me so long to see, but that's okay. Better late, than never!
STEP ONE - I AM POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL AND RELATED ADDICTIONS. I'm so happy that I'm powerless. I know that may sound strange, but now I can get on with things. It's too difficult to try to control something that you CAN'T!
Now start doing for you. Start learning that you are important. Start believing how wonderful you are. Start a new love afair with yourself. You deserve it.
HP works in wonderful ways.
Have a great day! Do something good for you. it is so pretty here right now. If it is where you are, take a walk and see the beauty around you. Enjoy you!
Way to go! It doesn't sound strange at all, I remeber being relieved when I finally accepted I was powerless over alcohol and addictions. Even if it were possible I would not want that job anymore anyway EWWWWW Take care,
I'm so happy for you that you found some peace and relief from this situation. I have followed your posts, you have been through a great deal. Sounds like you finally allowed yourself to say this is what I'm willing to put up with and that's final!! You go girl!! I agree that often when I was enmeshed with in my "a's" drama I felt HP was not with me, I realized now that I wasn't seeking either. My prayers were empty and unfocused. I didn't allow myself the genuine time I needed to continue to ground myself in my HP. HP has since shown me that making at least 30 minutes a day to focus on myself, pray for others, look at where I'm at just for that day, has made a huge difference in how I handle the drama and chaos now. My hope and prayer for you will be that you don't lose that focus and peace again and you'll keep seeking HP. I find it freeing as well to understand completely that we are powerless over the alcoholic and the affects of alcohol. It's no longer, nor never was our responsibility to the help them "get it". We owe it to ourselves to help ourselves "get it". I think you just got something, its awesome isn't it? Have a wonderful day.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
HadEnuff