The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday I woke up so positive, ready to face the day, in spite of not sleeping very regular hours & waking up at weird times of the night (mother sd this would happen w/ aging but I always slept so well ~ she's been right about a lot of things in life (lessons) that I have had to learn in my own stubborn, more difficult ways ~ I'm not looking forward to many of the other "goodies" I've heard that happen as we age).
Had a misunderstanding w/ a close friend yesterday am & it made me feel sad. I have a lot to learn in the way of opening my big mouth ~ face it, I KNOW that men & women perceive words differently, I simply hate having misunderstandings.
When am I going to learn... ppl want to "know the truth" then just shoot the messenger. I feel I need to take time off from talking, maybe take a vow of silence for a while, stick my nose in books & next time anyone asks me to be Frank, just decline. Obviously they wanted to vent & not hear a response. Just like everyone else, it seems... well my "messenger" is shot to death... I can only 'fix me & work on me' ~ I am too vulnerable to be shot down anymore. When a person gets to that point where they are ready to change, they will, nothing I say will make a difference.
We all tolerate what we do until we've had it, until we determine our own worth. I am tired & still need a lot of rest & recovery from all I have gone through. I know God doesn't want me to suffer, heaven is at hand, that means I can be happy, loving, forgiving, compassionate right now & I can apply this to myself. I need to, I have been so hard on myself for years, even just simple self-nurturing is still a challenge.
A lot of ppl, just want to hear themselves talk or have others like them for what they say... I don't care if ppl don't like me, I'd rather say nothing than be given the cold shoulder or be neglected or rejected one more second.
By the grace of God saving my life, I can greet the day w/a smile, hopeful optimism that I KNOW I can validate myself, love myself, change myself.
I sense many changes on the horizon.
A few weeks ago someone in chat sd, how we're all addicted to it & spend too much time there, it got me thinking, sure I have a lot of ESH after 22 yrs in & out of the Program but I HAVE to save myself, work on me. I know it helps to tell my story & share ESH, reminds me of how far I have come but I need to get over the fear of the future, my anxieties about it & sit in deep contemplation about what I want out of life.
Wow, what a sick, sick, sick lil codie I am one indiidaul says we're addicted in here & I go away to think for a few days. I don't want to be that suggestible, I have my own mind & I intend to use it.
I have to help myself first, focusing on me has been my most difficult challenge... I could tell my story a million different ways, a million times but I have to focus on the fact that I am in the present, this awareness is a gift & a Blessing from God. I intend to take this miracle & do something with it. I am tired, gotta patch up from the firing squad, mend my war wounds & focus on myself.
Who am I to offer any assistance to anyone else anyway ~ I am all I have, my conscious contact with God. I want to be the divine human I was created to be. Those who love me will, I am already feeling more positive just writing this out of my heart, mind, soul.
I love you all, thank God for this site daily, I surrender myself to God's will & have to look inward, stop relying on ppl to do what they say... I know I can depend on me... b/c no matter where I go, there I am.
Thank YOU God & I offer myself as a sacrifice to You, I can forgive myself & know that You will forgive me also. Thank You for creating me in Your image, a soul that has the power to create & choose, I choose to have Your arms wrapped around me, I choose to be gracious & listen, I speak too much. So I am going to listen to what God requires of me, that is to love me, learn to be a little selfish w/out all of that ugly guilt, I deserve my own love more than anyone else, I deserve to be loved & understood.
I am so grateful that I no longer wake up depressed but happy, joyful willing to surrender to God. My own stubborn will has only brought me pain & I am WAY TOO sensitive to pain & negativity to be talked at, I deserve to be heard & valued. I validate myself & know God loves me, as many of you do here & I reflect that back to you all.
I never ever thought I was better than anyone else, lots of times I couldn't understand what greatness ppl sd the saw in me. With prayer, self-love & meditation I hope to find out... imagine me having hope & joy beaming out from my soul! I have come a long way in year and it has a lot to do with all of your patience with me venting, I appreciate & love you for this.
Be kind to yourselves, I am working at it too.
love, -Kitty of Light
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I seem to have that total lack of a brain filter. I often wonder if I talk just to hear myself. Funny thing is, if you ever watch the Golden Girls, I am Rose, the dingy one off there. I tell stories just like her. Which can be pretty funny or annoying.
One of the first things my sponsor helped me learn, I am not responsible for what others do, say or think. This includes if I have voiced my opinion when asked. The other thing is....was I asked. I have learned over a period of time to grit my teeth unless I am asked to do so. It has freed me a great deal. When I am asked, the other person can take it or leave it and it frees me of picking up that guilt of how the will take it.
My sister and I couldn't be any closer. Last week, it is pretty safe to say, her filter left and she just went in on a brutal attack. I had not been getting to as many meeting or having as much time with my sponsor. So, I was a little weak. I called my sponsor and wanted to know what part I had in it, if any. Instead, I got a lecture about other people's feelings, and others program and where they are at in it is not my concern. Ofcourse, not picking up the guilt that she layed at my feet. I was hurt for one. I turned it to HP. I put some distance between her and I.
The other night she called and just keep pushing and pushing for my view on the whole thing. I finally told her in the best way I knew how, without pointing a finger. She said, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME I AM BEING A B&^&." Needless to say we worked it out. We laughed about it. What helped me was communicating where I was at.
It also helped me talking to our Mom. My mother chewed me for what I was wrong for.....I didn't know she chewed my sister even worse. Poor Mom.
I am putting it all behind me now. I prayed to forgive my sister. I have made my amends where I felt I needed to. Now, it is in my HP hands. My side of the street is clean and that is all that matters to my recovery. That is all I can do to keep me sane.
maybe I should type fresh out of bed in the morning....that is why I tell a story like "Rose".
How sweet & funny, I understand I am a walking non-sequitor, it's just how my brain operates.
I did the same thing, gave it to HP & am owning myself & no one else today, thanks for responding & i'm glad you all made peace.
My spirituality is all I have, I am determined to grow closer to God & let everyone else fix themselves, I am happy you are keeping your side clean, I own my side as well, gotta clean it up a bit daily but I surrender everyone to God and the divine plan HP has in store for us all. God remind me to stay out of Your way.
Blessings to you, Ziggy-Rose, thank you.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
If you can be as sweet and gentle with yourself as you are with the people in this room, all will be well with you. We all have those days. Guess what? Today is a new day, and you get the chance to start all over again.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Well I don't know if we are addicted here or not for me I enjoy reading your posts whether it is a good day or bad day for you. You are part of our family. You are on a life's journey same as the rest of us. As for the ageing process I think it sucks but I would rather have laughter lines than a face full of botox. Luv Leo xxx
I understand where you and Ziggy are cuz that's where I have been. I was told by therapist I'm trying to change the person of conflict to a reasonable person, and that is a losing battle for me, not mine to do.
I need to laugh it off and go on with my life.
A book was recommended (yet another book on self improvement) The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense, so I ordered it. I'll take all the help I can get with learning to slough off attacks.
And, I appreciate your posts and input in chat, so hope you can arrange to visit us here online when comfortable for you.
((((((Kitty)))))))) Hoping you are feeling better today and taking care of you. You deserve the best! You are a wonderful, caring, loving person and have been a good support to me too. Balance is the thing in life that helps me. Too much of anything is not good for me. You have done so much hard work on the program and on yourself lately and I admire you for that. Do what you need to now for you and for your serenity. your friend, cdb xoxoxoxoxo
