The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well... here we go again. Because we're divorcing, my lawyer advised me to file my taxes separately. When my A found out, he hit the roof. He was angry I didn't ask his permission before I did this.
The scary part is that he called our accountant. He threatened him but what really worried the accountant was what he said about me. He said he'd get me to file jointly even if he had to beat me into it. My accountant said he was mentally unstable, made various threats against me and he is very worried. He wants me to get a restraining order and went as far as calling my father and my attorney to let them know about the threats. The part that disturbs me the most is that my A called me to let me know that he had a very pleasant conversation with the accountant.
His behavior is so erratic. Calm one minute and crazy off the wall the next minute. I don't know if this is part of the alcoholism or something else. All I know is that I finally got to a place where I could at least see serenity and this weekend - between his screaming and swearing at me and calling me nonstop and now this information - I feel like I'm back in that bad place again.
I too am at a difficult point with my A and taxes. His financial choices over the last year have made it such that he owes a tremendous amount of money. My sponsor gave me some really solid advice, my Higher Power in this situation was not a God of my understanding but an accountant who knows tax laws. So, I have been in contact with her, chose to file an extension so that I will not have to make any rash decisions and she is looking into something called An Injured Spouse form, which according to her would relieve me of financial obligation regarding his owed taxes, yet allow us to file jointly. I explained to her that my aim is not to S%$# him, rather to protect myself. If I need to file separately to do that, then I will, but if I do not then I won't. In the end I too would be hurt if we filed separately, as this would increase what he owes by thousands, just giving another reason for him not to have money to give me. But this is not enough reason for me to go into it blindly. I will not take on debt that does not have my name on it. One big thing I have learned in Al-anon is to see if my name is on it and if it is not, then not to take it on. In finances, I have been rather successful with this thought as of late.
Just some thoughts, from someone who before this program would have been absolutely overwhelmed with all of this. Today, I am ok, taking it one day at time, doing the footwork and making informed decisions for me.
He sounds like a typical A with their life as they know it slipping away. Grasping for things to control as you step away. What a great accountant to get envolved in such a mess.
I recently left my AH and he is acting goofy too, blaims me for over drawing his checking account that I have no access to. Upset that his credit card only has $68 available credit. Keeps saying you had all this time to plan on moving out and I had none. I gave him a month's notice, he chose not to believe it until 3 days before.
I learned to get big shoulders and just take it and turn it over, it's a lot easier than fighting. I did have to set a boundary last night. I told him I would no longer talk to him if he was going to yell at me. So today he sends " rippy" emails instead. Told him to knock that off too or I wouldn't work with him on this divorce. We plan to use the same attorney, we will see how he treats me.
Just cause you are divorcing doesn't mean you don't remain dettached, don't engage and keep up your boundaries.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Like the others said, trust your instincts and don't bury them. I have a tendancy to do that.
You got some sound information from everyone, but the physical threats...
If the threats make you worry, then protect yourself! My AW threatens violence some times, but it never worried me, as she really seems to only be provoking a reaction. IF she tended towards violence, the state she has been in for the last couple of months would have brought it out.
Divorce/seperation is very threatening and scarry to someone who cant take care of themselves. Lump on top of that some money issues and I would make sure you cover your bases.
Stay away from him when he's using and not likely to be able to control impulses. Those times are worthless anyway.
I think that's part of taking care of you! (btw that's what I sign off with on my posts! LOL)
so... take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I'm sorry for wht you are going through. To say it is a tough time doesnot even begin to express it, I am sure.
For me, I often need a new way of looking at something and I usually need help with that. SO take whatever I say that is helpful and leave the rest -- only you know your situation.
When I ready your post I thought your soon to be ex has given you a gift. I see the gift where he called and expressed his threat to a 3rd person. We all know we didn't cause it, can't cure it, cant control it. So our job is to take care of ourselves. Keep the focus on us. And I know how hard it is to do that when one has going on what you have goin' on right now with your A.
So, takin' care of me. Keep the focus on me. My main challenge in doing that is with my ex -- and mainly because mine has never given me the gift you received from yours. Mine would never give any indication of his "hitting the roof" to any outside party; only to me. And he is very careful to keep just this side of the law, and always the appearances to the outside are charming and friendly. I've live in fear of never knowing what might happen next - but I can't prove anyting. It has gotten better as I can detach and see the crazymaking behavior, --- his saying something is x when it really is y. But my detaching has been gradual, I'm still working on truly "getting" detachment. And I'm progressing at the acceptance of my knowing that everyone else believes it is x because of what he shows to the world -- but I need to be true to me, know what I have experienced, and take care of me so I can do whatever I need to do. Some times are particularly tough, and I am finding that self care is so important especially at those times.
It is hard to accept the kind of behavior you have described -- but it sounds like it is a fact to be accepted. For me it took time, and the acceptance was gradual. I think it is great that you are aware of it and then came here for ESH. When you get to accepting it as a fact, then the next step is action: what are you going to do about it? And I've found that in order to do any of this, I need to take the action of self care all along. So, take good care. And keep coming back.
I am so sorry you are havin to go through this terrible time. Please do not allow yourself any danger of your own person. Please to also consider to make a safe place for yourself (have a plan b) in the event the erratic behaviour should become unsafe.
