The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The kids and I had a nice quiet Easter. I felt bad for my little guys. They asked me if they could tell Daddy about their ballgames on Saturday. I really didn't want him there, but they did, so I said ok.
Well it didn't matter, he didn't show, he called about 12 noon on my cell and said he overslept. He wanted me to tell the boys for him. I told him he could call them later and tell them himself. (i wasn't going to make excuses for him).
Saturday night he asked me if he could come over in the morning and watch them open their Easter baskets. I knew it would make the boys happy so I said fine. Then a few minutes later the little ones asked if Daddy could come for dinner. I was already cooking for me and all the kids, so one more is no problem. They where giving me these pleading little looks, so I said sure.
Morning came and he didn't show up, and the kids did Easter baskets, they didn't want to wait so we didn't. We never heard from him all morning, while we where at church he left a message on my machine that he wasn't feeling well and slept in, but would see everyone at dinner. Dinner came and went without him, and the bigger kids could care less, but the little guys kept asking for him.
He called around 8 (very drunk) and told them he didn't feel well and slept. I felt sorry for the munchkins, they really wanted him here. But I just kept them busy and didn't say anything.
Today he showed up with a few big toys and money for the bigger kids. I guess he is trying to buy their forgivness.
The weird part is I was relieved he didn't come. I would have been happy about it if the kids wheren't sad. The bigger kids already don't expect anything. The little ones will have to learn. I didn't have to be the bad guy, I said ok, he chose not to come.
It was his loss, we had a nice day. Hope you all did.
Jeannie, I am so glad to hear that you and your children had a happy day together. I hope that someday I will be able to show the grace and serenity you are mastering so well. My best thoughts are always with you, and my prayers too, of course.
Best of good wishes to all, Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Jeanne, thanks so much for your post. All if it said so much and I could identify so much. I remember when my kids were smaller and we driving down the road and my oldest daughter looked up at me with so much pain in her eyes and asked, "Why does daddy like the bars more then he likes me?" (Talk about a breaking heart!!)
But there was one phrase that jumped out at me in your share more than anything else, the phrase where you said you weren't going to make excuses for him. I needed to hear that tonight in reference to my son. Thanks for your honesty.
Hey Jeanie - Well you aren't the only one in that boat. My husband stayed out all night Saturday night & snuck in @ 6:30 AM Easter morning. He thought he could pull a fast over on me....well I hadn't hardly slept all night so it didn't work. I chose not to acknowledge it though. It was Easter & I didn't want to fight.
Then he chose not to join the kids & me at my parents house. What ashame too b/c we had a nice time. The kids had an Easter Egg Hunt and played games and lunch was wonderful. My mom made steak & baked potatoes, salad, Italian sausages, chicken. There was so much food. And my whole family was there. Just ashame he missed it.
Of course when we got home, he perked all up from his all day nap & acted all happy around the kids. Actually it made me want to puke. BUT my daughter (3 years old) was eating him up so I had to suck it up & ignore it.
Oh well. I am glad that you were able to enjoy yourselves on Easter regardless of the A. ;)
Your post made me feel a mixture of joy and sadness.How wonderful for you to have had a good day with your kids and kept your serenity through it all.You did the next right thing and it worked.Your kiddies had a good day and you didn't spoil it for them.Good for you!
I felt alittle sad for the little ones, their dad letting them down.
But I find myself feeling so sorry and sad for the alcoholics in our lives.This is new for me.I am a newbie and have been reading and listening about alcoholic characteristics and recognizing my husband is dry drunk, and learning about this horrible,just horendus disease.I have found myself getting very angry.I have been unable to find any compassion for them.They made me sick the way they destroy lives.But after reading your post,I just can't help seeing how they destroy their own lives as well.How they miss out on so much love that is just waiting for them but they can't see it.I want to blame them for all the hurt and pain they cause.But I have no idea the hurt and pain they feel themselves. The guilt must be unbearable,if they were to ever feel it.I have come to believe the ONLY hope, the ONLY way out for them is God.I see that it is a spiritual sickness,and only a spiritual 'awakening' can save them.(in my humble opinion,as they say)Dr Bob and Bill W knew that.Without the spiritual part there would be no AA.My husband hasn't had a drink in 16 years.But without the steps and a sponsor and working the program and making it a priority,he is as sick as he ever was drinking,maybe more so.
I will be separating from my A husband as soon as I can,the marriage is over.I am glad it will not end with the anger and contempt I was feeling.I hope I will be able now to give him the understanding and encouragement that the preamble says we are to give.It's much healthier for me too.Hey, this is growth! How about that!!!
Thanks so much for sharing your experience and strength. d
I am glad you took care of yourself! How awesome is that!!! I remember the "buying of love" that my ex did with our daughter. She is 6 now and doesn't see him as often. She is a better person today w/o him being such a large part of her life. The kids SO deserve goodness and love. I am so glad you are giving that.
