Dear Cyn     

I can very much relate to your hurts and damage. I grew up with numerous A family members and had an ex husband so damaged by his A-mom we didn't survive. I went on to raise my child alone with the A family around and she became an A like them even so I tried to teach her about it,I was outnumbered by A's. She is 31 now and still A. And they all still blame me for their problems and their drinking. I have PTSD and major depression and on disability it was so bad. The lasting effects are horrible.

Cyn, there is hope even so you may not be able to feel it now. It will pass. I got away from  the abuses of A's when I was 40. I have never been drunk in my life. Yet beings I was around them I got the learned behavior without the alcohol. They promptly forgot about me and left me in the world alone for the last 12 yrs, only calling when they wanted something, which wasn't often as I lived hundreds of miles from them. No b-days, no xmas's, no holidays. I've spent them all alone , and the pains were horrendous at first because I had to accept that they only used me for their self serving needs and had no capacity to give back as the alcohol took the place of me. If I had stayed I would of continued to be their servant, whipping post, doormat, etc.  I had A's that never recovered and if I hadnt been alone without them the last 12 I wouldn't have recovered to the point I have. I used to pray for them and me like the serenity prayer says. It wasn't in HP's plan, I'm guessing, as they have not changed. I live with the physical damage also inflicted. I don't think will repair at this point. I need surgury to fix some of it and only recieved Medicare this past Dec. You might ask yourself, "Why is she telling me this?". I had the opportunity, not being in their environment, to begin to feel myself. At that time was real shabby,lost and afraid in the world. Didn't know how to be around others. Yet I was alive, what was left of me, alone in the world, not knowing how to relate to others. I would watch and feel grief that I didnt understand why others had what I didn't. At the time I wouldn't of known what to do with it if I did.

Besides returning to the 12step programs, all I could find to go to, and buying 16 boxes of books on the subject, which was different back then from today, and have been back to college twice to learn all I could to understand what had happened to me and what others learn and experience. I experimented with behaviors and took alot of RISKS to reach out and try to be around others. Weird thing is, I had to hold the sick feelings and paranoia at bay, just so I could experience trying to be with others. I was told alot "This to shall pass". I was so afraid I wouldn't know how to be or even to tell if I did anything wrong. I studdered real bad and was purple blush on many occassions. I had read a piece on risk taking and life. There were things said in it like, "If you take no risks you have no life" "If you take no chances you won't have a life" "if you don't risk joy, you won't have pain" "risk taking is free" . I don't know where it is but was a powerful piece and helped me to involve myself in the jurne to recovery. You may not have experienced the same kinds of treatments and damage I did, but the jurne to recovery is there to all who want it. It became much easier the more mistakes I made. I learned to actually enjoynot having to be perfect. I felt HP there alot and sometimes not. It became an adventure to find new and better ways of being and doing. The more I didn't allow the damaged feelings to hold me back, the sooner I experienced the improvements that were there to be had and better feeling things to have as my memories.

I used to think it would never happen as it is a slow process and I was in a hurry. The faster you try to go, the slower the progress. We only can live "One Day At A Time". I began to value each one for what it was, and some were full of misery and mistakes. I also found out we are all on a life jurne and will learn til the last breath we take. I was told many times that on the day you think you learned it all, you will be stunted and stagnate. No one knows everything.

I hope I have helped you in some way by sharing part of my jurne and what I found along the way. It wasn't easy and life will always have its ups and downs, yet they become of a different kind as you go on in life. I am so glad you had the courage to go on. And to find some one. And to courageously come to the program to share in your recovery with others. You are already climbing the ladder out of the hole.

This is only my opinion, "Take what you like and leave the rest." I hope I didn't sound like a preacher or telling you what to do. Everyone has their own choices and I still have communication problems I am unaware I have sometimes unless someone is caring enough to share in a loving way for me to continue to grow myself. Some are insensitive and expect I should know better as they expect me to know better at my age and don't bother to find out who I am. And there are the short tempered and insensitives who get aggravated and angry. I learned that is their problem and stopped taking responsibility for that. Our bodies add chronilogical yrs, but our soul and spirit, in my opinion and belief, don't age in the same way. The jurne hasn't been pain free, and I learned if I " Live Life " it won't be pain free as I continue to jurne. It will be better and easier . Learning to play is my most difficult one to learn.

BLESSINGSAnd LoveYour Sister in Recovery