I want to thank all of you who replied to my post a few days ago.  They were all so helpful and encouraging.  I have done a lot of thinking these past several days since i posted.  i'm still not convinced that i'm being a good mom to our 7 yr old, cuz i know i could do better.  but several of the suggestions that were made to me are things that i already do, so that was at least encouraging.  also, just posting my feelings on here has inspired me to put more effort into listening to my conscience with my son, also.

Gailey, thank you for your insight on growing up as the child of an a.  on the positive side, him and i talk often of daddy's illness.  he has been told daddy has a disease called alcoholism, and it makes him do and say things he wouldnt do or say otherwise, or things he doesnt even WANT to do or say, and all that.  i still think at the tender age of 7, it's very confusing to him.  several times he has seen other fathers picking their kids up at school and being pleasant and playful with their child, or sees daddys on tv, or whatever, and will say, 'i wish my dad was like that'.  i also still think, even with the disease being explained to him and everything, he will still carry a lot of emotional messes into adulthood with him.  i think i could talk about it all with him till i'm blue in the face, but he'll still be damaged by it all.  i guess that goes without saying.  family disease, right....?  but it was so cool to hear the thoughts of one who lived with it as a child themselves.  thank you.

but after reading the replies to my post, i did re-iterate the disease thing to our son...that daddy taking that dirt was because he's got a disease.  his reply almost floored me.  he said, "Are you saying that i shouldnt be around daddy when he's drunk?"  from a 7 yr old!  i swallowed hard...thinking fast!  and just told him, 'well, you're not going to be able to avoid being around him when he's drunk, but i'm just reminding you that he is sick, and sometimes makes bad choices because of it."  but i am grateful for the reminder to let our son know his daddy is ill. 

and jeannie, to be honest, our closest times together are also lying in bed watching special shows, or him jammed into the reclyner with me either watching shows or reading books.  i was very encouraged to hear you talk about all that, because those times are some of our most intimate times, too.  also riding in the car...tons of question/answer diaglogue, or just chatting. 

but the thing that nags at me about feeling like a bad mom are the times when it is obvioius he is feeling a need for companionship...to play or something, that i dont respond to it.  i agree with the reply that said kids cant always have what they want.  there are times i dont feel guilty because i know that is true.  but i think there are times when i could respond if i wasnt bent out of shape emotionally, ya know?

and hudsond, i feel the same way as you, like about asking for friday family night.  to me, requests like that feel more like another 'demand' on me emotionally, and sometimes it does make me cringe...like 'mommy, watch', or 'mommy, look', when i'm busy trying to do something else, and i have to stop what i'm doing to 'look'.  i think that's really at the bottom of not feeling able to do more with him or for him, is cuz it just feels like another 'demand' on me, instead of just something enjoyable.  i loved your idea about the notes, though.  that's something i really havent done with him, and it's such a great idea.  doesnt feel like a 'demand' either!  thank you for that idea!

and rtexas, thank you for interpreting my son's loving comments to me as affirmation!  that felt good to read!  you're right, my son DOES love anything we do together.  it's just that i know i could give him more.  not expecting too much of myself...really...just knowing i could do better. 

debi, thank you for writing twice!  i know the love chapter in corinth., and that is pretty much what i meant when i wrote that it feels so good when i can still be loving towards him in spite of his drinking related screw ups.  cuz i want him to know he is capable of being loved, and a worthy person.  but...i do get worn out!  obviously, that is what has happened this last week!  but i think i'm coming out of it.  altho, the weekend is only 2 days away again!  weekends are the toughest.  but there are still times when even the weekends cant stop me from being nice to him, inspite of himself!!!!  but it was sure helpful to come to the message board when i was feeling weak and low and bad.  the replies were sooo helpful and encouraging, i cant even tell you! 

so...thank you all sooo much!  thank you for giving me your time, your thoughts, your experiences, and your encouragement.  it is so very appreciated! thank you all soooo much!

love and gratitude,

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