The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my a husband has been "out there" for almost 2 months. i haven't seen him and he hasn't seen the kids. he has tried to be consistent with calling them but he can't be. i have tried to be kind. i really wasn't very angry, just disappointed. we've been doing this every few years for 12 years. but here is my question: i don't know how to talk to him. i did "go off" on him once. he surrounds himself with people who tell him what he wants to hear and i wanted to tell him the truth and i did. i felt bad but not about what i said, just about the whole situation. so when he calls i try to just treat him with kindness and respect. it is difficult because i'm living with the girls who are very hurt and confused. the realization i had the other day is that my mother treats me almost exactly how i have treated him in the past. and i resent her and we don't get along at all.she blames me for her miserable life,she mentally abuses me,she has physically attacked me, she refuses to believe that there is anything wrong with her it's always been someone else's fault. she is very extreme in her sickness. she and i are connected thru money. she has it and i need it. i am working hard on getting myself out of this situation so that our relationship improves or i can walk away from her. so now i see how i hate to be treated and i am being very conscience of how i am treating my a husband and other's around me. but today when he called i talked to him and told him what's been going on in our lives ( kids sick, my dying father, cute kid stories) for whatever reason he listened for a while then just hung up. so obviously that didn't work as far as keeping the lines of communication open. i don't know how to approch this situation. every other time i've either blamed/shamed him or rescued him. i am doing neither now. i have no clue as to how to relate to him and not make the situation worse. maybe it's still me trying to control.......
Hello Serendipity, treat him with the same respect you show others . Steping aside and allowing the A to live or die the way they choose is the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. I was told that even a drunk deserved respect when u treat him kindly it will make u feel better and that is what this program is all about for me. If we can just do the next : right thing you will be ok.
Alcoholics cannot handle much at the best of times as u were sharring what was going on in your life he possibly became over whelmed with guilt that he culd not help you thru this. that is the disease. So in typical fashion they ignore it. Keep doing the next right thing. goodluck Louise
I could identify with alot of what you are saying. My A moved out and he too has made many geographical moves over the years. This one was really extreme. I am fortunate that I am not caring for small children even though it has impacted our grown children. Instead of dealing with the problem they change locations, jobs, people, etc. I think that they work it out in their minds on how everything will fall into place. My mother has money too and I think that my A figures that I will live on on inheritance. My mother also manipulates with her money and I can't stand it. I have never gotten along with my mother but strangely enough she and my A get along great.
I find that I have to set very small boundaries with my A in order to be civil to him on the phone. In Alanon they say to treat the A with respect. I finally figured out that it doesn't matter what I say to my A; he will react. So I try to be honest and straightforward. If he reacts he reacts. I have quit sharing with him phone calls from the boys because he chose not to live here.
As we become stronger and work our program our situation is bound to improve. Those Alanon slogans help me alot. Keep it simple and think, etc.
There is a chance that your hubby hung up and cried. Whatever his response was, he did listen. One of the things that helped me to realize I was being deeply affected by this disease was when the same emotionally abusive behavior that happened to me as a boy, started coming out of me, toward my boy. It was horrible for me to see, worse for him.
So here we are, working on getting better, with wounded children in the midst. However, in the deep contrast of the pain I was experiencing, and creating, I found clarity in that I want a better ME. If there is a blessing in being in a life with an Alcoholic, it is that it caused, by bringing back to me problems from my childhood, the desire to find solutions for them. So, my A might not change, but I will; and I will be free from the chains of what has perpetuated through the generations of my family, the rage, the anger, the hopelessness. That is the bigger problem for me, just as drinking is only a symptom of a bigger problem for her.
