Finances - do you just keep paying for the A? - Al-Anon Family Group

Barbara · ~*Service Worker*~

Finances - do you just keep paying for the A?

jrtjosey · ~*Service Worker*~

I hate money issues!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This might be a place to start placing a set boundary???

Without specific specific spending and income detaiils, it's hard to say.

Sticking to a vehicle boundary can be hard if they need it for work. What do you do? Like I said I hate money.

It's called the route of all evils for a reason.

Josey

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Barbara,
It's really up to you.
Does he work? Did he know the brakes were bad and do nothing? Can he put the brakes on himself to save some $$?
If he wasn't an A would you do it?

I'm just throwing stuff out there. ..lol
I can't answer what I do because I do not work, my A does. I guess it really would depend on surrounding circumstances and if there were consequences coming.
Like if he knew the brakes were bad and did nothing..then No, I wouldn't pay for them.
If he works and contributes, then yes.
If he works and spends his money on the addiction, then no
If he doesn't work, then No.

Just my view..I don't know the situation.

Christy

Barbara · ~*Service Worker*~

Husband was out of work last Aug-Oct because he had his left kidney removed due to cancer. He was not paid 4 of the 12 wks he was out recovering due to running out of sick time. He often calls in sick on a Fri after a night drinking when getting his paycheck. His friend does not have a car so husband uses his to pickup drinking buddy and bring him back home next morn (or he doesnt drink until he brings him home). I think its way too much mileage on the car. I have a healthy retirement fund from a job I worked 12yrs before the one I currently have. We both work fulltime. We both need our cars for work. He says he did not know the breaks were getting bad.

confused · Senior Member

Barbara,

This is the first place that I have been able to set and stick to a clear boundary with my A. We have been separated for 4 months, most of which he has not worked (having quit his job after leaving rehab last summer) He has not given me any money since he left and likewise I have given him none. This has been a difficult thing for me. I went through all of our bills, took my name off anything that did not need my name on it. I am not responsible for his bills, I am responsible to keep a roof over my head and food on my table, this I am doing on my own. I do not feel obligated to fix his car, he would not be able to fix mine. I do not feel obligated to support him financially, he is an adult, he has choices and so do I. I have not paid his credit card bill, motorcycle payment, motorcycle insurance etc. As far as joint bills that do effect me...I have paid that which I am responsible for. For example, I pay half of the cell phone bill each month, if he continues to not pay it, oh well, it will get shut off and I will go get a new plan, my name is not on this one, I have a moral obligation to pay my half. With the car insurance, I called and found out how much my car alone costs, and paid that. The remainder is due in the beginning of May and amounts to what it costs to cover his. If he doesn't intend to pay it or have the means to do so, I will not pay it. I will call the insurance co and have his car dropped from the policy and then pay whatever may remain to cover mine with the change. I am supporting a household that for years was supported with two generous incomes, I need to take care of me...my kids, my responsibilities. If my name is not on it, it is not my responsibility.

This did not come to me overnight that is for sure... I had to do a lot of soul searching, what am I willing to live with or without. So for today, this is how it is. Might I have to sell my home to continue, yeah maybe, but not today. So I guess you need to look at the consequences of your choices and decide if you are willing to live with them.

If you do not help him out, how does that effect you and are you willing to live with that. If the car is not fixed and he cannot get to work, can you support yourself in the way you wish to live? Today I cannot just go shopping at the drop of a hat, I cannot go to dinner with my friends on a whim, I cannot order out twice a week. But I can support myself, and I know that I have options.. I can sell my house, buy a condo and live the financial lifestyle of my past on my salary alone.

I did a lot of reading on Tradition Seven in grappling with this boundary, "Every group ought to be self-supporting, declining outside contributions." Throw in there Step 12, "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of this steps, we tried to carry the message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

Absolutely knowing where you are at,

Lynn

Jeannie · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Barbara,

I hate money issues too, it gets so complicated about what is enabling and what is surviving.

In our family my husbands name is on just about everything. Utilities, cell phones credit cards. I had made the mistake of never establishing credit. I have just gotten a credit card in my own name (one of those starter cards) and am trying to establish credit. The cars are all in my name.

my husband does not work, he can, but won't. We have a family plan for the cell phones, it is in his name and I pay it, because I need it for work and I have young drivers that I worry about, but the kids pay me for their phones on that plan, only he doesn't pay. The health insurance comes out of my pay check and I pay the car insurance. I pay all utilities, and his Mother pays the mortgage. He pays nothing.

I am in the process of establishing credit, then I can switch things over to my name. I pay what I have to right now, it is the only way we can survive, and if I pay for these things, my MIL will continue to pay the mortgage. For now this is what I have to do. As soon as I can, I plan on only paying what is in my name and what the kids and I need to live. I hate giving him a free ride, but unfortunatley we are too tied together financially for now. My plan is to change it as soon as possible. Then he gets thrown off the gravy train.

love Jeannie

Feather · Senior Member

For me the only solution I could come up with was to separate our finances completely. This way I could avoid alot of the chaos that comes with loving an A.

The stress of seeing savings evaporate into thin air, bills overdue and my growing resentment of my A was reason enough. By separating our finances I was able to find the security and serenity my family craved.

We (myself and 3 children) couldn't depend on my A but we know we can depend on me!

Just my experience.

KathyS · Senior Member

Here are some questions to ask yourself that may just give you the answer you need:

1. Does your husband work? If so, why do you feel that you should be financially responsable for his car repairs?

If he doesn't work.......then why not? Is he disabled?

2. Do you WANT to pay for his car repairs?

3. Does this problem have your name on it, or his?

4. Will not paying for his car repairs negatively affect you in anyway other than dealing with his attitude over it?

5. What benefit is it to you for you to pay for his repairs?

Something to keep in mind.......just because you've allowed him to take advantage of you financially in the past is not a reason to keep allowing it. When we work this program we begin to change. We become healthier in our thinking. We learn that it's ok for us to make boundaries to protect ourselves. We learn that we don't have to accept unacceptable behavior. It is ok to say No and his reaction to you saying no is not your problem, but his.

Bottom line.........if you are not 100% comfortable paying for his car repairs than there is your answer.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.