Even Buzzards are beautiful sometimes... - Al-Anon Family Group

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

Even Buzzards are beautiful sometimes...

Juster · Veteran Member

Hello rt

I am so new to this that I don't have any answers, wish I did. I just know that without coming here my life would be in turmoil most of the time. I would be using my addiction (same one you have) like crazy. My guess would be that your AW really fears the changes she sees in you because your probably are not the same person that you were and it can be a real threat to her. I know what you mean about wishing they would go to sleep. When my AW is really getting into it, I cannot wait for her to lay down on the couch and crash. Much more peaceful after that. It just seems to me that as long as we live with an A, we would be very hard pressed to live any kind of normal life without this program. I hope things get better for you!

Best wishes,

Juster

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Right to the buzzards...a couple years ago, I went outside in the yard about dusk, and walked under a very large pine tree. Suddenly...WHOOOSH! WHOOSH!! WHOOOOSH!!! I thought the tree was coming down on me. I looked up and saw about 50-75 buzzards take off out of the tree where they had chosen to roost. Truly I was glad to see them go, and they did not come back to my tree. But for about a month or six weeks, these beautiful birds circled over town; riding the thermals with those glorious outstretched wings. (This was in Delaware.) The national news media covered the story. They would perch on the point of a roof of a house, or land in a tree, but most of the time they could be seen flying low in the sky. It was all most interesting and lovely. No one could explain this unusual behavior from a flock. Yes, buzzards ARE beautiful! I gained a new appreciation for them.

I do get the point of your post however. Detachment is a difficult thing. I haven't mastered it, and probably never will. I have legally detached, but emotionally? 'Fraid not. Keep watching the buzzards. Their calming effect will surely help put your mind at rest.

With great caring, Diva

-- Edited by Diva at 12:32, 2006-04-13

jrtjosey · ~*Service Worker*~

If we call all dettach enough from all the stress in life to see all the "buzzards" before us each day we take for granted. I can picture them gliding. I like watching clouds, to see what I can see come to shape, no one else ever sees it. Am I crazy? Are they blind? Or do I get it?

Peaceful things are out there if we stop and look.

Josey

seachange · Senior Member

Wow! Rtexas! You are quite a writer! Has anyone told you that before? (Maybe you ARE a writer! ).

What I feel about the content of your share is this--that being prevented from working a program that I need would be a deal-breaker for me! It's so absolutely bottomline, not-to-be-messed-with ESSENTIAL to my sanity!

Luckily enough, I have never had anyone threaten me about this, or walk away because of it. I was always the one to walk away first, before they did?! (a characteristic of Al-Anon/Acoa people, I believe). I once heard it said that the definition of a codependent is someone who keeps a pair of running shoes in their closet!

It's so tough when everything seems to come down to that critical point of--if I do this, then the marriage is over--or, if YOU do this, then the marriage is over.

I had to come to a place where I knew--this is MY life, and I deserve to live it to the best I know how, and I deserve to be happy! Sometimes this does seem to mean that I have to let go of certain things or people that I'd been clinging to, out of insecurity. Sometimes, it means that a turning point has to happen that ends up not losing anybody, but it's a breakingpoint that changes both. THis was the case with my dual-diagnosed son, some years ago. I had to let go to the point of accepting that he could die, before we were able to turn around and come back towards each other. It saved both our lives!

I'm glad there's a higher power to turn to! I made enough messes when I tried to do it all myself!

Ride those thermals, rtexas! You'll be beautiful too!

~seachange

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

rtexas,

My "a" says to me last night, "Why are you going to Alanon I'm not an alcoholic"? I said, well I go there because it helps me stay happy. You like this new person right? You asked me to take care of myself, so I'm taking care of myself. I didn't get into a big explanation about it like I usually would in the past. There is just no point. He is still on the fence with his addiction. He knows deep down inside he has a problem with his drinking, if he didn't he would not have tried the program 4 times in the past. He would love for me to say, "Well honey, I go to Alanon because I believe your an alcoholic even if you don't believe that". This would give him a reason to explain his reasoning of why he doesn't believe he's an addict.

If he said, me going to Alanon was such a big problem and he would leave me unless I quit, I would be hurt and heartbroken as I'm sure you are feeling now, but I don't know if I could give it up. I don't know how many F/F meetings you do in a week, I know for me when he caused so much hassle about me going out to do anything, i worked my program at home and here on MIP. Now, I'm a little more bolder in asking for the time because I think he sees that whatever I've been doing has made me a happier person and easier to live with. I would never compromise my recovery for him or anyone else now, its how I plan on living the rest of my life in a peaceful state. I guess there could be several reasons why she's reacting so negatively to it Power and Control? Pushing you away first because she fears you'll get healthy and realize you don't want her? It's too daunting for any of us to crawl inside the mind of an "a", best thing to do is detach with love like you said, be gentle and kind with her. Reassure her that you are changing for you not to control her or force her to make changes she's not ready to do. Stay true to you Texas.

Hugs,

Twinmom~

ditto · Senior Member

I'm not sure there is a right answer because we are dealing with people who have a different sense of reality and it is simply not possible to reason with someone who cannot understand the situation.

I remember when I had worries I used to stare at my pool. I'd watch the color getting more and more torquise as the water got deeper. And, I'd watch the ripples that the automatic vacuum made as it drove around the floor of the pool. And I would think that at least something was tranquil.

Anyway, in all the pondering of the pool, and of the "whys", it has come to me that I am the only one I can please. And I am the only one who will live with my misery or with my joy or with my conscience or with my memories or with my actions. So, I had better try to be happy, and to find what I want, and to get what I need. I must let other people do the same for themselves.

I hope in your contemplation of the birds and the sky you will find your solution.

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

rtexas,

I'm just wondering, has your wife expressed exactly what it is she has against Alanon? I'm just curious because certainly she won't admit she is threatened by it.
When I started, I showed my husband the 12 steps, because he thought it was about "him" too.
I told him it's just like AA, and he certainly wouldn't go there and do the steps for me, AA is for him.
That being said, even if your wife never does understand, Alanon is the one most important thing you'll ever do for yourself, IMO.
Even IF she should decide to leave, there is no greater program then Alanon to get you through it.
I was so grateful for program these last 2 months, I just can't express it enough.

Alcoholics are great manipulators. The disease will do anything to survive. It's like some horror show sometimes, they are possessed.
Even if she wasn't an A, what right would she have to tell you not to attend or work a program? That's personal and up to only you.

I can detach when she just says hateful things, or does something odd, but how do I avoid/defuse a conversation about what may or may not mean the end of our marriage?

For me:
I would refuse any conversations when my A was under the influence, it's useless.
The 3 C's apply, you can't change it, control it or cure it.
If the marriage was going to end, it's going to end. I always figured my A wasn't doing anything to change himself or better himself, so whatever happened happened.
Nothing I said or did was going to save it or break it. He also had to look in the mirror as I was doing.

Christy

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank ((((you all)))) for the caring responses!

Christy, she expresses hatred for the group ideals. (her interpretation of which says, ignore her and become totally self-centered) I have showed her my ODAT reader, even read some things to her which talked about mutual respect and love. She has slipped in some comments about how she doesn't like it because I am going because of her.

I think a huge part of this may be guilt, but I really can't tell what she means and what is just the disease talking.

For me:
I would refuse any conversations when my A was under the influence, it's useless.

I agree with this statement... but she is under the influence whenever I see her. She gets off at 3:00 and is 6 drinks into it before I get home. I am new at this but I do the best I can to Accept this as one of those things I cannot change... (No serenity in that for my yet)

I went to a F2F at lunch today and while driving thought to myself, is she really any more upset than when I cleaned house with her instead of working in the garage like she wanted (but didn't tell me...til she blew up)... suprisingly the answer was no, it is just lasting longer.

One day at a time... You all give me strength not to curl up in a little ball and just rock on the living room floor... Thank you!

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello rtexas,

Wish I could see those buzzards, I watch ants in the summer and squirrels in the snow in winter. Ants run around all happy and productive building the mounds happy as can be knowing what they want and need in life. Squirrels are just fun to see even if they are rats with fuzzy tails as my neighbor says.

My AH does not have a problem with Alanon, sometimes I think he likes that I am learning and following the principles and steps. Perhaps if I have these tools I will stay with him no matter what he chooses to do about his addictions. He does have problems when I am reading lit about exploitive relationships that is not a part of Alanon, anything that may make me think about having a life without him in it. I believe it is simply fear, maybe a little guilt mixed in. Fear of not being able to blame me for his being unhappy after all if I am happy and not making him miserable then what is? And fear of not having the cycle there to continue his choices and feed his disease, if he can't blame me or our life then he has to look at himself. Just my thoughts ... who knows. The important part is that we are happier with ourselves.

I have a firm boundary in place now about discussing our relationship. I will not discuss it while he is under the influence of anything. Or recovering from same. Sometimes it is days later when we can actually talk, the effects of some drugs with his bipolar last a long time. When it comes to discussing my life I would like a person who is not drunk, high, depressed or manic involved. It sounds easy in my words but getting to that point took a long time and lots of patience repeating my boundary over and over to myself and him.

i wish you that best, and hope the buzzards are there whenever you need them! Take care.

Jennifer

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

RT thanks for the topic

I know detachment with love is the way to happiness for me regardless of others’ behavior. I just don’t know how to do it most of the time. I do remember twice when I felt oh this is how detachment works. Speed-read if you already heard me talk about these.

I was watching “24” on TV and heard my a talking to his dad. He (dad) lives on the other side of the earth, and they speak a language I haven’t learned. Nonetheless, I could hear anger between these 2 guys. I was engrossed in the TV, and a thought ran through the tiny area of my brain not already working on the program: I’d better go calm him down so his dad won’t feel bad. I then remembered TT saying an a’s parents have probably already heard the worst from them long before they met us. So I stuck with “24”. The phone conversation ended. The a fell “asleep”. “24” ended. Our house was peaceful. The radio in another room was playing some very nice jazz. I knew in the moment that was detachment.

The other experience I knew detachment was when my brothers were coming to visit us and would meet him for the first time. They were already on the way from the airport, and the a came home lit. I flipped and probably said out loud you’re the one who misbehaved, but I’m the one everyone will want not to be around. It’s so unfair. Etc. I wanted the visit to be a good one. I was able to turn that around just from feeling the intensity of how stupid the situation was, and I treated my a with love and respect. We had a good visit. I practiced seeing him with the eyes of a newcomer, just as the brothers were. No baggage. It was a miracle.

It is so helpful to go back to those circumstances and the feelings I had while detaching with love. I need to use that so much more.

Take care,

Jill

leo · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi RT,

Big hugs for the stress you are enduring at the moment. As far as al-anon goes I don't go to ftf meetings because we don't have them but I always post here. My A husband initially thought that I was talking to alcoholics on the board (Probably because I am a caregiver lol). I set him straight on that but I have found when he is feeling vulnerable in himself he makes a smart comment but when his own self esteem is good he will walk past and just say "on al-anon" and I reply yes and he is very comfortable with that. I have also told him that if it wasn't for al-anon we would probably not be together. I think they see the difference in the strength we gain from our support base and it frightens them. Hope this helps a little. Luv Leo xx

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.