The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had the opportunity to close the door forever, and move on to a normal and sane life (whatever that is), but instead I chose to let go of all the pain and anger that has built up over this 11 year relationship, and start treating him as though none of it ever happened. Doing the things that I know would make him happy, which I slowly started withholding over the years, when he became demanding, verbally abusive and pushy. He says he loves me so deeply, and asks why I withheld from him for so long. He says he would never have gone looking for other women anywhere, if I had been this good to him all along, and he wants to know why I've suddenly changed. I want to understand what I'm doing here too, and I can't seem to find an answer, other than I want to see what he would be like, if I could be loving and forgiving and act upon it.
It's like I've taken on this new role and he loves it so very much and he's talking about all the things I would need to accept if I were to stay in the relationship with him (like his hunting and wanting to live in the woods or deep country, and keeping guns ready and available in case of a wild animal, etc.) These are his main stipulations for staying with me, along with my giving into his OCD about neatness and his alcoholism. He doesn't think he needs to change at all, but I would need to change considerably. This just doesn't make much sense to me, but I do notice that my disposition toward him has created small changes within him.
I love the country, and I love the peacefulness, fresh air, etc. BUT I can't agree with things like having rifles ready and available, when I still have an angry drunk in the midst. It's not feasible to me, and he does know this...
Yet ... he always gives me impossible situations toward accepting him and his disease and disorders without consideration to how it makes ME feel. I don't see us staying together, because there are too many things like this in the way - and I don't see him giving up drinking, any time soon. He would NEVER set foot in an AA meeting! (I know NEVER say NEVER, but this is one stubborn guy)
I guess I just want to understand my motives for doing this, and whether they are for the wrong reasons or not. I've never actually purposefully changed my behavior before as I am doing now. It's strange.
Can I understand why he doesn't feel he needs to change anything and you have to accept everything? I guess there could be many interpretations of what he's thinking, but I don't think I'd assume or presume to know. You said he doesn't see anything wrong with the way he wants to live his life. So if he's comfortable with it, you have to ask yourself if you are willing to accept all the good about him and all the flaws he has. That includes the guns and the drinking. If you are not comfortable living your life like that then ask yourself what you are willing to live with? I'm learning in my own situation that relationships work best when its a win win situation. He gets something out of the relationship, and I get something. He can be himself and I can be myself. I can grow up if I choose or I can just hang around getting stale and stagnant. My "a" has to decide what he wants to see different in his life, if he's fine with how he lives his life and what he is getting back from life then great, he should be a real happy person right? Well, he's not always a happy person, and he "talks" about changes all the time, eventually he will make the decision to put some action behind those words. Until then I enjoy the sober days, quiet times, silly times, and my alone times. I know what my "fantasy" relationship would look like, its different from my "reality" relationship.
I'm realizing that there is no "fantasy" relationship. I haven't met anyone in my life that had a perfect marriage, etc. We are all flawed and have battle scars in some shape or form, that gives us character and strength. Ultimately, the question is how do you understand your "a's" position in this relationship? He may never want to change any of those things, can you live with that, if that makes him happy? Your doing great, your honoring your feelings and yourself and I think that's awesome. You sound much stronger and sound like your using program. Keep it up and keep posting. Best Wishes,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
This sounds like my A over the past several years to a T. We make plenty of money, so as she drank more and more, if she got down, we bought or did something extravagant. This happened a couple of times a year at first. Snapped her right out of it. It began taking more and more to keep her from slipping into the dumps.
For the past 2 years nothing, I mean nothing makes her happy. The list of what she needs changes from day to day. If I do one thing, that is no longer part of the list, I must have misunderstood and there was this other thing that was supposed to make her happy and I missed out on it.
That was a very dangerous cycle for us. Just about drove me insane... why... because I believed she knew what would make her happy. Today I believe she has no clue how to be happy because of this disease. It is sad really.
I'm not trying to discourage you, but in my experience when my A says "...yes, you should have been doing (X) all along and I would have been happy". That lasts for a very short time and now she further believes that it is my fault she drinks, get's depressed and is otherwise miserable in our life together.
I too withdraw my affections when she is in the "... I hate everything" mood. That is not good for either of us, but to be honest I just can't cuddle up with someone who constantly tells me her life sux and it's my fault. I see a lot of wonderful things in our lives, she just does not have the capacity to appreciate any of it for some reason.
Be true to your feelings... be as passionate as you want with the one you love. As Twinmom said don't agree to things/changes you are not comfortable with or will have regrets over.
Standard disclaimer... I am new at this program so take this in the nature intended... just my experience, but this really struck a cord with me.
Be good to you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
The only one who can tell you what your motives are is you.
I know if I did everything that would make my husband happy, things might seem more peaceful asa he would love it, but I think I would be miserable.
He would love it is I got up every morning before I went to work and made him breakfast. If I sat next to him while he watched all his favorite shows, ignoring mine and never reading. He would love it if I brought in all the money, took care of the house, satified his needs, cared for the kids and everything else, yet left the spending and enjoyment to him.
He would love it if I brought him his beer which I always kept stocked up. If I spent all my spare time sitting next to him on a barstool not drinking so at the end of the night I could drive and carry him home.
He would love if I did all these things and never complained at all. The only problem is, where would my happiness be? What would I get out of the relationship?
This is basically the life my hubsnads parents gave him. They treated him like a King and waited on him hand and foot. Unfortunately, they never understood why I would not be a good little wife and continue to treat him they way they always had.
Only you know what you can live with. While I agree with doing things to make your spouse happy, when dealing with an A, we have to remember to make ourslves happy, becasue they won't.
Hi, HadEnuff, Your nickname out here says a lot! I don't know what your program is, but I do know that working the Program works. We can all relate to your pain, and to your wanting to be understood. Here is my ESH, HadEnuff. When I came to the Program about 20 years ago, I had no concept of how to take care of myself. I learned how to do that by going to meetings and listening to the people there. At first, I had to make a list and I had to write down things everyday that I would do to take care of myself: going to a meeting, making a phone call, taking a walk, taking a bubble bath, playing with my cat, doing my devotional reading, praying. My focus became taking care of myself, even though everything else around me was crazy. Getting a sponsor, making phone calls and talking to a real person who would listen to me, and above all, working the steps have changed my life. A good sponsor will listen to your pain and will gently guide you toward the steps so that you can get better. Working the Steps is what really makes the program work in our lives, through the help of our HP. I would not have the gentle life I have today - it's not perfect, but it's good enough for me - if I had not had the help of the program. I had to work it though, and I continue to work it. Blessings to you. mebjk
