The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been with my A for 13 years, living together 10 and married 3. His drinking just got to a point where I know there is a serious problem -- going out with his drinking buddies 4-5 nights a week. He would come home completely trashed. A month ago I finally put the pressure on when he was drunk. I was just so resentful and frustrated that I couldn't wait. The fight ended with him saying he wanted out to the relationship. This is the same thing that happened 2 years ago when we were out of the country and I noticed an increase in his drinking. He pulled the rug out from under me and wanted out. I was devastated, but relieved when he wanted to work things out. Unfortunately, our therapist at the time didn't realize the gravity of his drinking or failed to do something about it. Luckily, I we have one who does realize now.
My A seems to be listening to me and went to a psychologist with me. He expressed how the relationship is clearly not working and he wants out. She focussed on the drinking. He was surprisingly honest about his drinking in the session. He also expressed that he realizes that it can't go on this way. He got drunk the next 2 days and has been sober for a little over 2 weeks -- as far as I know. I hate that he is doing this on his own and I am urging him to reach out. I just got his wonderful parents involved and he hasn't expressed any anger at me for doing that. They are searching for the right way to help him.
What I can't understand is why do his actions show me he loves me and is trying while his words continues to push me away insisting on a separation. This is the most painful part. Can anyone relate?
I can definitely relate, but my situation is almost a mirror opposite of yours. My husband has been sober for 29 months. His mouth says he wants to work things out, but his actions and the way he relates to me say the total opposite. When I try to talk to him, to get him to open up and really talk about things, he pushes me away or starts on a 'you did this...' tirade(sp?). Sometimes I wish he was still drinking because he related to me better drunk, than he does sober. Of course I feel horribly guilty for thinking that and I know deep down that I don't want him drinking again. It's very painful and there have been plenty of times that I've wanted to give up completely.
One thing I'm learning to accept is the fact that I have to deal with my own issues, issues that go back years and years to when he was drinking. Only then will I be able to be happy with him again.
I have heard these stories many times in alanon, all we can do is take care of us, turn the focus on us and life does get better, after 10+ years in alanon my life got better
