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Post Info TOPIC: I'm not apologizing for who I am anymore


~*Service Worker*~

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I'm not apologizing for who I am anymore


I never thought I was an emotional person growing up.  When I got upset about something I kept it to myself and cried by myself in my room.  I realize why I did that now because my father could not handle seeing the pain and fear his rages caused for me.  It did not feel acceptable to stand up for myself or cry about his angry hurtful words.  My feelings were not validated and he rarely said he was sorry for anything.  Even now in his older years he does not apologize very often when he is wrong.  My "a" is like this at times.  This weekend he told me crying about things that have not happened yet, or crying because of the insecurity I feel in our relationship right now is not normal.  He said I'm fine with you saying how you feel, but why cry about something that hasn't even happened yet. 


I didn't agree with him totally, but I see now that I'm an emotional being and my feelings deserve to be validated.  Unfortunately they may not be validated by him all the time. I have to learn that other's may not have the ability to validate how I feel but I can honor myself and validate how I feel or believe.  He was harsh this weekend, I was wounded and it brought out anger and resentment for me.  I stewed for a little while, but then called a friend and went to a play at her church.  I felt much better and was able to let his insensitivity go. 


He brought up a good point.  He said that he'd noticed that since he'd been home I was not doing things for myself anymore.  He said he sees me so involved in his life that he is feeling smothered.  He said he would like to just live and not have everyday be a counseling session.  He basically called me out and said you aren't getting involved with yourself enough.  He urged me to do more things and get involved in hobbies.  I realized he was right.  I have been holding on so tight that I haven't given enough attention to put into practice the things I'm learning in Alanon.  My friend agreed that that fear I have will take away my ability to get back into life and even if i do hold on tight, things can go a rye.  So i guess I need to find things to do with my free time.  I discovered how difficult it is to have fun when your worried about everything falling apart.  Praying about things and letting go afterwards is an art I have not yet mastered. 


Have a good night,


Twinmom~



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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)


~*Service Worker*~

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((((TwinMom2))))


Thanks for sharing that... I struggle with some of those same issues.  I envy your strength right now.  Sorry I don't have any inspiration ESH yet... But I'm working on it....


take care of you!


Edit/Addition  -------------------------


Sorry this post made me sick as soon as I hit send... I do envy your strength, I envy the fact that both of you have a program.  My A and I have good days and bad days... I get pissed at myself when we have good days and I worry myself into having a bad day on the inside.


I have forgiven myself for that waste of a good day, largely because the 2 of us are in the middle of such sickness right now, that even doing what we KNOW is right is hard.  That is a sad truth for many of us.  You did the best you could at the time.


It is great that you see small ways to do better each new day.  Keep doing what you are doing and know we are here for you.


All my prayers for both of you! - r


 



-- Edited by rtexas at 18:59, 2006-04-11

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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown


~*Service Worker*~

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JADE


You should never have to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain your feelings to anyone.  They are your own.


Keep working on the prayer and Letting go.


Josey



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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short


~*Service Worker*~

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Hi twinmom...Your most interesting post started me thinking: How easy it is for the A to say we should not allow ourselves to become emotional over things that haven't happened yet! What they do not seem to understand is that their history is all we have to go by, and we can see coming over the hill what they apparently cannot or will not.

Yep, getting yourself more involved in your activities will help, but I struggle with this same issue. While I fret and worry, my A goes happily on his unemotional way. As jrtjosey said so well: "You should never have to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain your feelings to anyone. They are your own." Wish that worked as easily as it sounds.

Best to you, Diva



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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata


~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Twinmom,

Wow, its okay to feel the way you feel, but why cry about it? Boy that hit home for me. I have always been a very emotional person. Comes from my mom's side of the family. They are always crying and very emotional when they get together...tears of love and joy and yes sometimes pain.

I myself had to hide this side of myself growing up, because my father's family is the exact opposite, they do not demonstrate their emotions. Not that they are not loving people as well, they just do not display this. And so to keep from being ridiculed by my dad, I tried not to show those emotions.

When I got married I tried to change. And by change, I mean, by letting the real me shine. It was hard at first being demonstrative of my love but I worked at it and it started to become easier. Then my ex-wife's alcholism began to progress and things got very confusing for me. At times she would be accepting of my emotional side at others she would pull away or criticise me for them. Heaven forbid I should cry about something! That truly drove her nuts! She would in so many words tell me to cut that out and be a man. And so there I went again trying to stuff my emotions.

Then along came al-anon.

I no longer really care what others think about me and the emotional being that I am. If I want to cry because I am sad.....I do. If I want to cry because I hear a song on the radio that reminds me of something beautiful in my life....then the tears flow.

I am so glad to finally be accepting of who I am. I have learned to feel my emotions and that it is okay. Embrace them, let them flow...then let them go.

Thanks for posting (((Twinmom)))

Yours in Recovery,
David

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Laughter is the Beginning of Healing


~*Service Worker*~

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I have found that most of us are wayyyyyy too sensitive for our own good, why does everything have to be about me???? well it dosen't actually. took me awhile to figure that out. And tho I am not a fan of Dr Phil  I love his statement   So hows that working for ya ??? and what are we getting out of it cause there is always a pay off .  sheeeesh .


Getting your own life back is not easy but well worth the effort. The min I start expecting anyone to be my everything  I am in big trouble . I am the only  one who knows what makes me happy , husb in my life is a bonus  not what makes me happy he adds to my happiness yes. But not my reason for being anymore.  My own insecurities made me a clingy pain in the butt and as I grew stronger in this program I realize that my expectations in my relationship were unreasonable to say the least.  good luck keep working on yorself and you will be just fine.


And I agree with the others never waste your time explaining why u feel the way u do  - justification just dosent work either -u have a right to think differently than others , just because u don't agree dosen't mean that your wrong it just means u don't agree.  Allowing your self to be yourself ,flaws and all is a gift .


Louise


 


 


 


Louise



-- Edited by abbyal at 19:34, 2006-04-11

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I came- I came to-I came to be



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It is amazing how this program works.  I do not know the relevance right now or how your post brought this bit of wisdom to my mind, but somehow it did.  And then I couldn't remember it all and had to go into chat to see if anyone else could.  While in chat, I remembered how fun it is to just pop in and say a quick hello.  No need to stay long if I can't.  Why don't I do that more often these days?  I don't know.  But anyways here it is.  Something in your post reminded me of the 5 G's.


 


Thanks Senora Bob and Kismestrand for reminding me what they actually are.  Apparently, your post was a sign from MY HP that I needed to take a look at them also.


 


The 5 G's: get off their back, get out of their way, give them to HP, get to a meeting and get on with your life.


 


Thanks for the reminder!!


 


Lynn


 


 


 


 



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Senior Member

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(((twinmom)))


My A husband always says "why are you crying? If crying would do any good I'd cry too!"


It's not like I sit there and say to myself, " I think I'll cry for awhile"....it just happens.Emotions take over and I can't stop it.He has never understood that.Of course he never cries.Not when his mom died or when his dad died.The only time he cried was when his first sponsor died.And he tried to hide that from me.In 36 years of marriage it was the only time I saw him cry.I think a good cry is so stress releiving!


I guess it's because A's have real trouble with emotions,theirs or someone else's.That's probably one reason they run to the alcohol.( i guess, I'm still learning) Maybe it's just a man thing too.


You are correct though you have a right to feel what you feel and should never apologize for your feelings.Glad you're here.



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I can really relate to your fear. For me, the fear is fear of abandonment. I get clingy when I feel the other person pulling away then get mad at myself for being so clingy. When I read the part about your "A" telling you what you should do, I saw the lack of boundary. He is giving you advice without you asking for it. I felt anger when I read that. It reminded me of my family telling me how to live my life, what to eat, what to wear, where to work, etc. I used to hold my anger in and not express it, but it would come out in other ways. I now express my anger to get it out, not to control, but to say how I feel. I do it in a healthy way. It has made such a difference in my life. I feel free to be me. I don't know why I am sharing this, but this is what is coming out. I will keep you in my prayer this morning. ((Hugs))



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I like the 5 g's, those are great and thanks for sharing

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