The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't posted in awhile. I have been coming on, reading, replying here and there, but just haven't been taking the time to post. I don't know why? I think at one point I got the thinking that if I had nothing nice to say, say nothing, that everyone in the world did not need nor want to hear the woes of my life. Probably just more of this disease creeping up with that thinking.
So anyway, here I am today. Still separated from my husband, who now has almost 4 months. Reading, learning, working with my sponsor and attending a lot of f2f meetings. I begin my first chair position on Thursday. Please keep me in your prayers with that. It was a push from my sponsor and the entire process was a difficult one. I was resistant. Don't want to commit I guess --- who knows--- but anyway, a push in that direction, gentle YET firm and I accepted the nomination. It is a topic meeting and I get to choose the topic. More on that later.
My husband and I are going to go to his sister's with our sons for the Easter weekend. Don't really know what I want out of the weekend - ok - so that's not exactly true - I want to see how we all interact together - can I put this program into play. Ok, truth time - lol -- is he putting his into play???? Nuts, I know - but I am not perfect - I know I am not supposed to worry about his program - but.... here is my dilemma
I do not want a divorce -
I do not want to go back to the insanity -
there is a way for that to happen - working a program - but is it really unrealistic to expect in a marriage that both people commit to the work that needs to be done to make it work - I am really struggling with this. I know I can work my program and I can find peace for myself at some level - but I do not want to live a totally separate life and be married - to me that is not marriage - I might as well just stay separated.
Well, that is where I am today - I know it is a lot. I don't think I really realized it until I started to type. So back to where I started - I will post more often, why? Because it helps me! Maybe it will help someone else, I don't know. But just getting the words out and into sentences gets them out of my head and forces me to organize them in some fashion.
Obviously your posts help us too! Thank you for being here!
That is very confusing and discouraging. Many of us (especially me) are in the same spot you are at this point in time.
As you might know, I am new at the whole program and I read tomorrows reading out of ODAT before I walked into work here, and it said, "... dispare is a total lack of faith... " That really struck me...
I have not done a good job of letting my HP help me through this, I know with my heart that he will if I let him. It's my d&%$ brain that keeps plotting and trying to fix everything. (Remember I am an engineer by trade, so I call it an occupational hazard... *g*)
This is one of those topics where only HP can help you work out what is "right" for you.
I will keep you in my prayers on this one!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I find it is so hard to not get my expectations up. I am still with my a husband, but I can see where you would want to be married and not want the insanity!!! I think it can work, but both must really try, I think you would definitely have to set up your boundaries and the consequences of those--if he stops going to meetings, or goes back to drinking/using, stuff like that. But then you would also have to try and stay out of his way and let him work his program. You would have to let him know you just can live another moment in the insanity. Maybe that means you stay separated for a while after he has been in the program a time that is deemed o.k. by both of you, you can try being in the same house again.
This is all just suggestions!!! I don't know what you would be comfortable with. I am like you in the if I am not with my husband then what is the point of being married. I may change my mind on that after a few more years if my a can't get clean and I have to live in the chaos forever, but now I feel like if we aren't a "team", if I can't live with him in a real marriage then why be married. I am so new to the program--I am trying, but there are so many others who may have better things to say and lots more wisdom.
I just hope you find some comfort today! Good luck with making the decisions you need to!
Dear Confused, Thank you so much for your post! I could see you working your thoughts out as you wrote. And when you share, it helps all of us. It sounds to me as if you are beginning to clarify what you want. You want to stay married but you don't want to go back to the insanity. That's where you are now. How that unfolds, none of us knows, even though some of us have gone through the same thing. As we say in the Program: "more will be revealed." And it is hard to stay in the moment, and to keep working your program, but you are definitely doing that. Bravo to you! Sounds as if you have a good sponsor, too. In my own experience, working the steps with a good sponsor will lead to miraculous change. Best wishes with your share. I wish I could be there to hear you. Blessings, mebjk
((((((lynn))))))) good to see you again. i too would question about having a marriage with separate lives. i didnt want it either. keep in mind your life is what you make of it. after a three month separation my a and i got back together and he is in outpatient program. i work my program, he works his. the thing is we have never been so close as we are now. i find we are talking so much more on a deeper level. we go out and do the simple things like going for walks. we do have separate programs that we are working on, but we are very much involved in eachothers lives. i could choose to completly separate myself from him or we could work together to find ways to be together. i can choose how i want this relationship to be, i can give what i want to be there. sure keep your nose out of his program, keep the focus on you, but that doesnt mean there is no room for a loving relationship. the way i see things, you will never know how things will turn out unless you actually try it out and live through it. we all do have one thing in common (loving alcoholics/addicts) but everyone's outcome is different. best of luck.
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
I just finished reading your post and boy is it so true that so much of the things we go through, have been experienced by so many others in the program. My then seperated husband of 10 plus yrs had 3 months of recovery for the upteenth time and wanted to come home - at that time I wasn't in a recovery program. I wanted nothing to do with him, I so doubted his sobriety, etc. we barely even talked, how could we live together again.
By the grace of my HP, after he was 6 months sober, we were still seperated and I was MISERABLE!! - I then found Al-Anon. We spent the next 9 months working on our own seperate programs and started working on our marriage. We actually spent a year and half apart before we both agreed we were healthy enough to live together as husband/wife. It was wonderful for our relationship. We now face our marriage as we do our recovery in our seperate programs - One Day At a Time . . today we choose to be married and focus on what is best for each of us.
It was very tough work - we both had to learn a totally new way of living and relating to each other. But the work has well been worth it - the best blessing is that either one of us can say - that we are committed to our recovery and marriage, but no matter what - together or apart - we will be OK - our progams gave us the power and strength to be OK, no matter what may happen.
Seek your HP's direction in the marriage/seperation issue - only you and your spouse can decide what is best for each of you - Always remember you are important and take care of you!
Wishing you the Peace and Serenity of the Program every day - One Day At A Time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
