Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Bad head-space?

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

Good topic, Bo...

Christmas used to trigger me some... but a lot of water under the bridge now- since days of active drinking around me.

The bedroom I lived in as a kid was a hell-hole at times... but at Christmas i would wait up to hear Santa's sleigh bells. Our chimney then went straight into a coal burning range. I wondering up Santa would come straight onto the veranda. High summer over here- and doors were left open, let alone locked.

Anyway we left a jam jar of beer and a wine biscuit for Santa every year- and they were always drained/eaten in the morning.

Then one year i had one eye open- when I heard the sound of sleigh bells- Santa was a woman! biggrin ...

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks David.

I think it's a case of stinking thinking and getting out of it so to speak. Mine often compounds. I have the ability and power to stop it.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

BO i USE THE SERENITY PRAYER AND SITTING DOWN TO READ FROM THE C2C THAT HELPS,

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

"I have the ability and power to stop it" , you mention and that for me is also from practicing what I have been taught by the elders of recovery. My sponsor and the elders enforce(d) with me that we have a "do" program and so I do what I have been taught especially the practices that work. When I am triggered I am triggered both ways and I choose the outcomes I need, the positive outcomes. My sponsor left me with a reality "God will not do for you that which you won't do for yourself" so I must work with the ESH of HP.

I had to remember in the past that I was caught up in the disease much like my alcoholic/addict wife was...compulsion of the mind and allergy to the rest of me so altering my thinking is often the first task while choosing what it is that I want to think.

Sorry you are going thru what you are going thru Bo, it sucks till its over and it is always over when you fold it with the program. Merry Christmas and let go and let God have it. ((((Hugs)))) smile

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, when I am 'there', I often really go back to the basics. I have no issue falling on my knees and pleading for help/peace/changed head-space. I also find that literature,e Serenity Prayer, Gratitude Lists and doing a few things different can help. I was taught early on three basic things - Trust God, Clean House, Help Others. There have been moments where the Clean House has been literal as I just needed to focus on something(s) different. Helping Others - same thing - not always a program effort - any effort helps me shift my current thoughts.

It does help me to remember that this too shall pass! Sending positive energy, thoughts and prayers your way!!

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Bo

Very good share, Im glad you brought this up. Because I have been there many times and what I do is I sit and feel my feelings and honor them and validate them and but I put a boundary on how long I want to sit in that way

Its normal and natural for a lot of us to feel that way during the holidays because the holidays bring up bad memories, some people are alone and sad, or memories of ruined holidays in the past, or just seeing other families out there shopping and enjoying them selves, and you dont have anybody to share with, like I go through every year. So I just honor my feelings and validate myself and then I just do the next right thing by myself and assure myself that its just feelings, Im not slipping, Im not backsliding, I am a human being and its natural for me to not be a Pollyanna happy person every day of the year. Im just being honest with my feelings. And I validate me and honor me and allow me to feel those feelings while I examine where these feelings came from is it old inner child work I need to work? Or is it just the ebbs and flows of life in my feelings about it? I know that I will drift back into a better place, but in the meantime I have to ride this out, Taking care of me, calling a friend if I can, or just getting out in nature and sitting or walking amongst nature. You are very normal to feel this way. Youve got a strong foundational program and this too shall pass my friend

KT2015 · ~*Service Worker*~

When I am focused on my negative thoughts and feelings I know that nothing good is going to result from that. I do what I can to get out of my head. I just keep doing the next right think and use the slogan this too shall pass. I try my best to hand it over to my HP and to leave it with HP. I heard a relatively new member in a meeting say that when she feels like focusing on her negative stuff she talks to her HP about it. Asks him questions about others behaviour and gets it out of her system. I was going to try that next time I was frustrated. All the best!

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

((((KT)))) that is also what I do including a practice an elder sponsor taught me when I first arrived in recovery. It is metaphoric and requires me to picture putting the problem in my open palms and then lifting my open palms above me to my Higher Power and then bringing my palms back down empty seeing that HP has taken the problem out of and off of my hands. It works!! and because it still does I will continue to do it. Give it a try. ((((hugs)))) smile

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Bo,

I'm sorry you're in that restless mental place. For myself, I know this to be a sort of soul sickness that only my higher power can relieve. I pray at these times for release of being held hostage to this type of thinking so i might better do my higher power's will. But honestly, these are prayers of desperation. In such moments, the pain causes me to want instant relief. Being in such a head space is a signal of something still unresolved within me. Sometimes the when thinking is obsessive and I know what it is about and what I have to work on with the use of the Alanon Steps. Other times I can be absolutely dumbfounded. At those times, a simple prayer is what I use in the hope of gaining some awareness. "I don't know what you want from me, please help me see." In that moment, I've surrendered my thinking, myself to a power greater than myself and I begin to feel more at peace. I also like the 3rd Step Prayer. It pretty much encompasses what I'm trying to convey in this post.

Sometimes when I feel like I can't rid myself of the "bad head space," I have to give myself permission to just rest, find somewhere quiet, nap, take a walk in nature, listen to soothing music, just let go. When my thoughts are in overdrive, it can sometimes be a sign that well-being needs attention.

Anyway, I hope you're feeling a bit better today. End of year can bring up so many thoughts and feelings. I'm finding myself at more meetings to keep myself balanced. (((hugs))) TT

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Wednesday 26th of December 2018 08:28:57 AM

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

I get to that point of doing whatever I need to do to get out of my own head. What also happens to me, sometimes, is, whatever triggered me -- if it's a person -- I sometimes become indifferent. I've been dealing with a new relationship, and whatever has happened has happened...but I found myself saying "if it doesn't work out, I couldn't care less" so to speak; and that's not me.

Regardless, as KT said...I focus on doing the next right thing. I focus on the next thing in front of me.

Most of all, I make phone calls!!! More to follow. Going into a meeting with a client. That's a very good thing. Why? Because...when I got busy...I got better!!!

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

I am late to this party, but thought I would chime in anyway!

Bo, I am sorry that you found yourself in that head space... but I can relate, as I have been in a funk since Thanksgiving. My meetings didn't seem to be helping me. But what has helped was touching bases with my sponsor, and most of all, reading each day here at MIP! Just reading, over and over the tools I could try. At this time of the year, I also go and look at the Christmas lights. I am not sure why, but the lights always fill me with joy. I also had a transformative experience at a holiday concert held in a church. Not sure if it was the church atmosphere, the voices raised in song, or the exquisite music played by the Pasadena Pops that opened my heart and helped me to realize that I had the choice to be as happy as I wanted to be! So from that evening on, I remind myself that it my choice - to stay in that negative head space, or move on. Part of me thinks I was overjoyed to finally find something I could control! LOL! But I digress... it sounds like you got this. That "focus on the next right thing," really does work!

Peace to you!

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Focusing on the next right thing does work. Thanks to everyone.

What I am struggling with is -- and what I hate about this -- the minute to minute minutia. The waiting for the text, the mind-racing, etc. So, I try to be present, in the moment, and stop it. I accept, surrender, and let go. When this is chronic, it's hard. Sometimes the usual stuff doesn't work. Right?

I don't want to be indifferent and give off a bad vibe of I don't care. But at the same time, I don't want to accept unacceptable behavior.

This woman had me meet her kids immediately. It's her way of doing things. She wants someone to see her life -- which isn't an easy one -- and meet her kids, so that if the person wants to run, or doesn't get along with her kids, she can end it immediately, now, rather than be vested, waste time, and have it end 6 months from now. I'm leaving out a lot of details, but there just seems to be some growing pains here, which we are handling differently. We had an open and honest conversation, but I am not sure she's being completely open and honest.

I don't know. Maybe I need to get my thoughts straight and type this all out in a coherent post. Thanks again everyone.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

I so want to get out of my head-space and stinking thinking. But -- and that's an excuse -- it can be hard at certain times, in certain circumstances, etc.

The usual stuff ain't working. I just seem to be in it, pretty deep, so the climb out seems like a big one. I don't know if that makes sense.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

When I throw myself into work...I am able to get out of the negative head-space...temporarily. Why? When I got busy I got better!!! It works. So, work for me, which I am passionate about, allows me to focus on important things that you would need to focus on. You must focus on them, or else clients can get negatively impacted. Massively.

However, when I am done with work...BANG! You see, for me it's akin to a distraction. A good one, but a distraction. It's not denial. Just a reprieve so to speak.

I am going to a meeting tonight. I need it.

I am doing acceptance, surrender and letting go. Over and over and over again. I am immersed in it. I wish I could turn off the cell phones and emails and everything else. I did for a period of time. So, then, I was left with myself. I was laser precision focused to let go and be positive. I've gone over my grateful list and read through my WIA file (who I am). All of the positive things.

More to follow.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, I've been there for the past few days and it's bugging the crud out of me. For me, I journal especially when I know I really can't call my program friends.

The other thing I do is plan for my distractions because I am like you, when I get busy I get better but the minute I have down time, I'm right back into stinking thinking. So, I write out a plan for after work. Sometimes it's a plan to do the dishes, fold some laundry, clean out my emails, go for a walk around the neighborhood and blast some high energy music, or whatever. As sad as it is, I have to plan to work through the misery I might find myself in.

Then, a few minutes before bed.....like 20 mins or so, I let myself 'feel'. I pray and I meditate and I just allow the crappy feelings to come. Sometimes I fall asleep exhausted while other times I ruminate but I only allow myself a certain period of time to really focus on the negative. I might be fighting it all dang day long but I don't give in and I try to distract myself with work or projects or busy things, etc.

And, honestly, this keeps changing for me. There are times when I wallow in self pity all day long but I'm learning to not berate myself for it. Sometimes I just am learning to allow myself to
'just be'. Even though, it's not always very pretty.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

So, for whatever reasons, I am in the bad head-space, stinking thinking mode. I've done everything I normally do to get out of it, get relief, etc. -- but it's either very short lived or not working.

What am I missing, lacking, needing? This new relationship seems to be the origin or root. Why? Not sure. Just feeling it. Just a feeling. Maybe it's a few comments, a few expectations that are being set or put on me, and more -- maybe it's some expectations I am having. Expectations of her, and of me!!! I am being expected to "court" her, to express my feelings, desire to see her, be with her, my desire to have the relationship progress, etc. Yet, I am not seeing as much of that from her. OK. What to do?

I am also expecting the same from her. And, most of all, I am expecting none of this to impact me or bother me. I am expecting to not get caught up in the emotional, day to day minutia.

I am trying to accept this, just for today, and surrender to it, in the hopes I can then let it go. That is not working. I am becoming frustrated and indifferent. I am getting to the point where I just don't care anymore, because this is getting too hard, and it shouldn't be at this stage of the relationship. I am getting to not care because it's too frustrating.

But, it's not. It's me causing me to feel it is.

norasq · Veteran Member

Jerry, thank you for that image. I will hold it and use it.

Maresie · Senior Member

One of my friends committed suicide two years ago. He presented his life and his marriage as perfect. He rarely talked about struggles after his father died. While he didn't look like a conventional.alcoholic he was When he cut back on alcohol for health reasons he became suicidal. No doubt there were other issues at play.

For me the issue is what are ky expectations. These days I am really clear I expect to be challenged. There is no time like Christmas to bring up issues around relationships, acceptance and other problems. Lately I have been working on the acceptance

My expectations around relationships were way off. They still can be. I dont know what an adult romantic relationship would look like I certainly know what jumping in full feet looks like

Meeting families is a big issue I had very big issues with the now ex A's family. I didn't get detachment for a long time Avoiding them didn't help either. They certainly didn't appreciate my need for detachment and my detachment.went off the charts I simply stopped dealing with them.

Good morning

Being aware of someone else's expectations is so key. I didn't really appreciate for a long time that the exA just expected me to be a saint who was #there# for him whenever he wanted it.

My needs were not in consideration except at the beginning of the relationship when he seemed to want to address them

I have a lot clearer boundaries these days. I know my limits I watch my limits every day.

While I.dont have the abject misery I once had at Chrostmas the time is certainly challenging.

These days I can accept the c

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

You are welcome norasq and I am still in appreciation and gratitude for this post and the responses because of the recovery memories I have that still work for me. Frustration and impatience and anger/rage reactions have an opposite choice/condition that when worked get me the conditions I like...patience, peace of mind and serenity, quiet spirituality. I was reminded this morning at the meeting of the real miracles I have been allowed to experience by practice, practice, practice the program.

I am reminded that "acceptance is the solution to all of my problems" and to accept the fact of my problem and not the morality of it. It isn't good or bad...it just is and I don't want the resentments that come from the unwillingness and stubbornness of not accepting the lessons.

When I find myself struggling to win then "it" is all about me and I have Eased God Out (EGO) of the solution and need to do the opposite (OGE) Offer God Entry. Stay blessed.

(((((hugs))))) smile

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Bo - just an observation from an outside perspective.....based on your writings, I seem some complex thoughts. Of course, it would be easy to throw, "Keep it Simple" out yet I know from my own experiences that's easier said than done at times. Is it possible that you've got some projections about her, 'us', self that are causing cycling thinking/anxiety/funk?

For me, anytime I get into projecting what's next or what's coming, no matter how serene I am or my time in recovery, it really affects my thoughts, mood, attitude, disposition. Doing anything possible to return to the present moment does help - and temporary reprieves are better than no reprieves until it passes.

Love what Jerry's shared about EGO and OGE - lines up exactly with simplifying life, staying present, avoiding projecting about ...............................

Keep coming back!

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Bo, I notice that ANYthing I am in..relationship...new job....the changes I am commited in making in me, during this upcoming new year, I KEEP IT SIMPLE....if I look behind?? I'm in bad territory..its gone!!! If I look to tomorrow??? I'm in bad territory because my mind "plays out all these possible scenarios (usually bad) " and tomorrow isn't even HERE yet...

I love Jerry's post about the Ego....if this were me, I would just take it one day at a time, follow my instincts FOR TODAY, and observe, not from the judge's chair but from the witness seat......reading your post and your sorta "journalling this" (Great idea, to just write what you feel and somehow, in writing one can get clarity..its there in black and white) this is what I do...I journal my feelings...I kinda write myself a story...how I am feeling...where does this feeling come from??? what can I do to take care of me in the RIGHT NOW!!!!

when I find myself getting into as someone said once to me a "paralysis of analysis" I back off.....and Keep it simple............and Focus on the issues of TODAY!!!! like watching a good movie...enjoy the parts as you go...if you keep seeing its "ok" stay tuned....if it starts to not look "ok" change the channel, but how do you feel right now?? today??? I am really practicing the "Keep it simple" and "focus on the now/present"

I read your last entry and this is what I thought....Hope it made sense.......I think what U R feeling is real "normal" if I know what "normal" is, LOL

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene