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I think I am finally starting to get it. I have read, and heard, for years that language of co-depndency - that you have to take care of yourself, you have to focus on yourself, you really can't have love or be loving without loving yourself. . . and it did nothing for me. I truly couldn't even conceptualize what anyone was saying.
Lately, it seems different. Like, I realize how much I have been trying to get my needs met through manipulating, controlling, trying to change my A. Lightbulb.
I never thought I was being controlling - i just thought I was doing the "right" thing! I was thinking, *how could it be wrong to say what I have to say, pushing him toward recovery?*. Well, DUH - it's HIS recovery - his life, his thoughts, his whatever . . .
How it got so sick was, I would intervene - oh so well meaning - and he would make shifts - of course never really toward recovery - and we would STAY THE SAME!!! (But, I didn't get that).
When we were first dating, I said - if you want to seriously date me "no illegal drugs" - he was a daily pot smoker . . . why did I do that, why didn't I just accept that's what he was and it was HIS to figure out. Well, he loved it, he "wanted to quit anyway" - I became his addiction container. I "helped" him not be so bad.
So, he switched to alcohol and porn - and I said "too much, not OK" . . . again containing, correcting, NOT GETTING MY NEEDS MET, not even knowing what they were, still don't!!
SO, now, he's 1 year sober, working his program, and he says - I don't know if I can work at this marriage - Well, my first instinct is to correct him, morally, pull him back, and I now realize - no way. This is his - to decide, to fix/change/manage if he wants. Mine is to deal with my ambivalence in this relationship! As I stop "fixing" him, he will be him, and not what I think I want him to be, and the marraige will make it or not. OMG - I finally think I'm beginning to get it.
Hope this makes sense, just wanted to share how blown away I feel by this new awakening.
I do have a question about step 2 - I am now walking around the word restore. I have absolutely no recollection of ever not being codependent - long story - but my "parents" were completely dysfunctional - starting way before I can remember. I struggle to imagine I ever was "whole", so to speak . . .
Thanks for your post. I can identify with many things that you said. Great insight into codependency. I could not care for myself coming out of my family of origin. I looked to my A to save me. I said similar things (this goes back 30 years). I jumped out of the car when he took drugs and I said not around me. He said "I will clean up my act around you. You really help me". And I jumped in there with both feet keeping him clean and sober. So after many years of practice I became the manipulator and controller to keep him at a manageable place read this as my comfort zone. I always thought that I was doing the right thing particularly after we had children - limited TV watching, no pop, do things as a family. Even though he sobered up he just came up with more addictions like computer games, watching TV, etc. I would always include him in my plans because I thought I was being nice (he never includes me) but it dawned on me that I was controlling him. If I invited him then at least I knew where he was. He has since moved out and said something similar to yours - I can't work on myself and our marriage. I don't want a marital relationship.
I am making progress towards getting out of codependency and growing up. This is a hard process for me because I have been basically clueless. I am able to work on the core symptoms and really be much more mature. "Restore us to sanity" hmmm I still am figuring out which parts are insane. Keep breaking through and keep posting. Meetings and Alanon readings help me alot. I love my A and would like to keep my marriage but this is one more thing that I have to let go of.
restore us to sanity , we wern't born confused and afraid . Some of us have never been sane hehe and thats ok too . anything is a step up keep reading u will find what u need.
And I too love those light bulb moments now the work begins , awarness is not always fun but it certainly is progress and now we can change what doesn't work to something that will .
As far as step 2 & the "word" restore goes whether you ever had it as a kid or not, we are to be & can be 'whole, happy, peaceful human beings" ~ just cuz it's your first time... for all of us ACOA's out there... it was our first times too!
love, -Kitty of Light
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
keep reading u will find what u need. 