The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of the best "tools" I used in my recovery, when I was going through those emotional cycles of wondering if I was the crazy one, or was I expecting too much in my relationship, or perhaps I was too harsh, etc - was a reference to "toxic love vs. real love"
I used the list below (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski) several times over, when I wasn't able to "trust" my own gut and intuition anymore.... Over time and recovery, we get back to a point where we can, indeed, trust our gut instincts...
Living with active alcoholism/addictions challenges us in so many ways, and it is so easy to get down in the mud with our A's and behave as irrationally as they behave towards us..... This list helped me stay grounded, and hopefully principled, where I tried to learn & recognize when my AW was trying to drag me into her despair, and developed the toolset to be able to maintain who I am, regardless of anyone else's behaviors....
Even today, I keep this list in my bedside table, as it is a good touch-base and guide as to whether my relationships (not just romantic relationships) are the kind that I am truly striving for... Progress, not perfection.....
Hope this helps
Tom
1. Love - Development of self first priority. Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.
2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow. Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)
3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships. Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.
4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth. Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.
5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.) Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."
6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together. Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.
7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality. Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.
8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality. Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.
9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood. Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.
10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.) Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)
11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship. Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.
12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone. Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.
13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment. Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 6th of September 2018 10:58:23 AM
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you sooo much for this I was actually having a conversation with another very good girlfriend of mine about the difference between love and unhealthy love.
Good to see you as always .. when I was with my XAH .. my idea of love was so limited and what I knew in that moment .. now I feel like I have grown so much since those days and see it more limitless vs limiting. Limiting love is such a bad deal for both parties. Limitless offers so many different possibilities.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Mahalo Tom and Serenity for the input. My HP requested simplicity of thought, feelings and actions back when I was stumbling into recovery and banging off of walls and clawing for direction. "Keep it simple Son" I was told so as I sought direction and guidance from the elders in my home groups I heard an elder speak of her ESH with her alcoholic husband and I was affected by it. After the meeting I chased her down to her car and asked her for her definition of love which she gave me and I try to practice daily. "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are". I have tied that up with the lesson from the AA Big Book which states, "Acceptance is the solution to all of my problems". Simple...not easy. Thank you God. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by JerryF on Thursday 6th of September 2018 12:41:40 PM
Great share, great list Tom - thank you for posting it!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
