I was up early today thinking of all the things that I have to get done in just a short few hours.  I am getting ready for the divorce and I must protect myself.  I am very embarrassed that I must drag my friends into this and ask for some help, even though it is just minor help.

Three years ago before we started dating, the a and I had a conversation.  I told him that I was tired of dating and that I was looking for someone who had the same values I had.  I wanted someone with morals. I wanted someone I could trust and share my life with.  I wanted a husband who would treat me kindly, and whom, in turn, I could treat kindly.  I wanted someone to share my dreams with. I wanted someone who would be my partner and together we would build a happy secure future.

The a told me that this is what he wanted to, and at the time, I believe he meant it.  Who knows, perhaps he still wants it.

Which is what makes alcoholism so scary.  Because he has sunk into madness.  And he should be afraid of everything he is losing.  But he is not afraid.  He is losing his health. But he denies it. He is losing his grip on reality, but he denies this too.  He has lost all self-control. He has lost all honor. He has run through all of his assets, but that doesn't worry him.  He has lost all of his friends, but he doesn't miss them.  He is losing his wife.

And so, I sit here praying... praying for my safety from his violence... praying for my safety from his alcoholism... praying for a quick divorce... praying for peace.