I thought if I separated myself from the alcoholics and drug addicts in my life, my "issues" would be in the past...I didn't realize that there was more to this disease then the  yea, I dont' have to call in sick and make up excuses for a hung over ExAH, and no more cleaning up messy bathrooms because he drank too much and tossed his dinner..And oh yea, no more having to go to a pub and pick up a drunk to keep him from getting another DUI on his record and perhaps losing his license and his job that he tenuously holds onto because I was liked by his boss...THOSE issues were gone when I made the decision to "clean out my life" , but the impact on me was life changing and not for the better...When I broke free from the alcohol soaked childhood I was forced to live in and the abuse, broken trust, abandonment when not being abused, I saw that I was full of rage..bitterness..resentment...fear...fear of everything..Even fear of being able to trust in me, much less any higher power..

I was also a control addict..If I wasn't in control?? I would literally feel trapped/helpless and I would panic..To "feel" like I was in control, I would rage..the raging gave me the illusion that I was in control when i really was not...This cycle took me years to manage and I say manage because I still find me getting angry/threatened when i am not in control, but I have my "go to" safety place and that is my program

When I walked into my first meeting back in 2004, I was in for a big wake up call...It didn't take me long to see how badly I was damaged by my childhood..and then adding to that damage by marrying into the disease because I didn't know how to "pick them" as they say..

I married what was familiar to me..I hung out with drinkers because they were "comfortable--familiar"...My life  was hell, but something I knew...to marry someone healthy?? I wouldn't have been able to cope because I was so unhealthy...Impacted by the drinking and using around me..the anger, bitterness ,rage, fear, grief, stuffed down feelings were issues I had to deal with..I didn't even know who I was...But I saw hope in this program..#1, I wasn't alone...#2, the stories I heard and the things THEY did to work through it made sense...it resonated with me..#3, the unconditional and loving support I got from so many that I now can share with those who can benefit from ME, now...Imagine!!  I can GIVE now...I can be a blessing to this program and its community now instead of just taking and needing.....Program became my new friend and my first ever Higher power of sorts...

working the steps, I saw just how messed up I was, but there was also a way to get "un-messed up"  and that was the Steps..Slogans..sharing with others...learning what THEY did/responded to just LIFE in general...For the first time I saw, yea, I am sick, but I CAN get better..There is genuine hope if I work it..

I had a real problem believing in the HP thing...where was this HP when I was a traumatized child?? where was he/she when I was being shoved around and screamed at, stolen from, abused and living in a hell with 2 alcoholic husbands??  Where was this HP????  

I also learned in program that my HP within me isn't going to force itself on me...I have to be the one to reach out....work my program...Be brutally honest with self and others...to be open to new ideas and new ways to live....and to be willing to apply what I learn if it is what I need to do for my particular issue....

No!!  my issues and problems and damage in my , not just my mind but my very SOUL of me didn't magically go away when I separated myself from the addicts in my life...I had ME to fix..ME to get to know..ME to identify with..ME to care for and set boundaries for and ME to love and re-parent and to change my way of thinking, hence the skewed emotions/behaviors/habits and last of all character

its been 14 years now as of February...When I think "yea, I got this"  I learn something new that brings me right back to "humble city" and I am a "newbie" again...I am happy that the steps are habit with me..sometimes I have to work a step on my feet, right there at the moment...A spoken word that hurts another...immediate taking responsibility, and feeling the remourse and making the amends to them and changes in me.....

This is a life time commitment..A life time part of my life..Working my program and as a former agnostic who was UNwilling to trust in ANYthing , other than little Codependent me, I have become willing to identify with #1,  yea, I am powerless......#2, there is something/someone who is not so #3, why not give this HP (mine is within me) a chance???  MAYBE,  just MAYBE it was never working much in my life because the walls I put up were so high, the doors locked and bolted that HP wasn't able to get in...AND, I truly believe that unless I get quiet and reach out to my HP, nothing is going to happen...I have to reach out..Make the first move and then LET GO and be committed to the precepts of the program......just be willing to trust that the issue at hand will either be worked out..OR will just "go away" because  "how important was it anyway???"

So no!!! this program is not a magic genie of sorts that will just "poof' erase our issues..WE have to do the willingness...the surrender to a higher power, a higher good and DO the WORK....the best prayer for me is the Serenity prayer

"Higher power give me the peace to accept the things I cannot change---The courage and strength to change the things I can---and please give me the wisdom to know the difference"  and I add to that...Give me the wisdom to know that the only thing I can change is ME...

I am a lifer here..the long term impact of alcoholism from childhood through marrying into it in my adulthood impacted me greatly...It took me a long time to get this sick..It is going to take a while and work to get me healthy...Perhaps for the very first time...I see hope..I see me changing for the better..I see me being responsible and loving and caring for me which I can now share with others who want to help themselves...i see me getting better...Making way better choices..Bringing better energy to myself....Not only do I see hope, but I see healing and change for the better...and to think:   I am gonna KEEP getting better as I work my program

I am glad you all are here..that tells me you care..You care about yourselves enough to put in the work..Whether we "like" each other or not..Whether we avoid each other or interact doesn't mean anything...we are HERE...Sharing and caring about ourselves and this miracle of a program...I don't "like" everyone I encounter in the program, on these boards or in the meetings  but I do respect and cheer on everyone because the more of us who make it, the more good energy we give and receive..........JUST saying