The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Been awhile since I've been on. Hope all is ok with everyone. Seems like I only get on when things have gotten bad. Looks like things have changed on here or am I just not signing on right? So I hope I'm doing this right.
In March my alcoholic father in law died, he was 84 and living in a nursing home. He was also my ah enabler so I didn't shed any tears over him. I don't feel guilty about my "sorry you're dead, glad you're gone attitude either." He was a horrible arrogant man. So his house and contents have been sold, the estate settled so all that's done already. That's one thing he did...had that stuff taken care of so it was easier on his kids. Very organized. Gotta give him credit there I guess.
My ah took memorial week off, his birthday week. Memorial day he was going to take the dog for his car ride (beer run) (I didn't see it happen) But he said he tripped on the dog leash going down the deck steps. His ankle swelled up to more then twice it's size but he didn't want to go get checked until Wednesday, his birthday, when he really knew something was wrong. Yup,It's broken! Can't do a darn thing around here. We were going to do some yard work, get some things cleaned up, plant the garden, make some new flower beds with brick boarders, check on making a kitchen island,etc. I'm still doing what I can by myself. (hope he feels bad)
When I got thinking about it I really doubt he tripped on the dog leash, I think he just fell. He was drunk and that dog is down those steps and not wrapping himself around my ah legs. Wish I would have seen it happen. But I also have out of town company I'm really not needing or too happy about. It would be different if my visiting brother wasn't an alcoholic too. He hurt his arm trying to catch his 800 lb. Harley from tipping. He had to have surgery on it and was getting bored sitting at home and not being able to do much either. At least his wife gets a nice break. I've seen that poor girl go from a bubbly sweet person to a very sad girl in the 20+years they've been married. My brother was only going to stay until the middle of June but I noticed on his flight itinerary he's here until the second week in July..about the same time my ah is supposed to go back to work if his ankle is better. I hate to rush life but C'MON JULY!!
Welcome back Pixie I am sorry that you are experiencing these challenges and am glad that you remembered to come here to share
I have found that reacting to the insanity that surrounded me was destructive to my serenity and when i pause . not react but respond with program tools I grow tremendously . Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.remember to ACT(with HP) and not REACT
Hi Pixie-I used to come to the message board when I couldn't take things anymore with my A, so several times a year. However I stayed in the same rut, stuck. Never felt happy , couldn't cope, basically I was an emotional wreck. For the last few years I have worked the program consistently and what a difference that makes! Have a much calmer, able to cope with the bad, and more stable life for myself. Keep coming back, Lyne
I most definitely had a very enmeshed relationship.with the now ex A and his family. There was a lot of bitterness and resentment. I was ways second guessing the ex A. I knew he was lying. I.got something out of being able to work out what I really thought happened.
I held a lit of it together. He was always messing up. Eventually his health tanked
My mental health was not going anywhere my anger was pretty high. The frustration I felt at him was pretty toxic. I.felt like I was holding everything up. He was ruining so much.
I am glad you cane back. The al anon tools of detaching not arguing and sticking to my boundaries were very helpful.
The more I practiced detachmentntje better things got. I was always so envious of his attachment to his family.
His mother most definitely put on a good show. I bought all of it as a sign of my worthlessness.
I know for me personally being willing to try the al.anon tools was life changing. I certainly was hopeless and. In despair.
You are certainly not alone in your predicament.
Maresie
Welcome back pixie - I too am sorry for all that is going on. I remember all too well how the chaos and insanity of this disease seems to 'rain on every parade'...I am better able today to detach from much of it because of working the program. I learned in recovery that it was perfectly OK to have a plan B, C, D, etc. I also learned to take responsibility for my own path, joy, serenity and recovery letting go of other people, places and things that affected me negatively. It's far from perfect in my world, but it's better today than it used to be.
Keep coming back and know you're not alone! There is hope and help in recovery!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Pixie and welcome back...I couldn't get past the title of this post and it triggered old memories and sadness for just a second. I am so very very grateful to the Al-Anon Family Groups and this MIP Board for supporting me in learning how to live my life with the positive outcomes I want rather than to allow everything to automatically just go bad. My sponsor asked me "why do you allow that to happen" and then I did an inventory on it. Then I learned better and different ways to live my own life. Keep coming back... (((Hugs)))
Your post struck me because I remember feeling at the mercy of everyone else in my life, not really knowing or believing I had a voice, a say, choices that I could make that are right for me regardless of if they were liked by others or not. It seems to me you feel you have no choices and this will all play out without your say so. Alcoholism does this to us. We end up with this false belief that life happens to us and we have no choices therefore no responsibilities.
You have choices, you could politely decline your brothers request to stay with you uninvited for 6 weeks! Do you think this is reasonable or polite or respectful? Its typical selfish self centred behaviour from an active drinker so not unusual or particularly surprising when you learn about the nature of the disease. Sounds like your husband will have a drinking buddy too. So all rosey in their garden. However, the interesting bit for me was when Alanon told me to look at me and my motives. Surprisingly I found that I was operating mostly from fear and so I pacified went along with believing my actions and behaviour would solve the problem of the drinking. What a relief to learn that I had no such power. I didnt cause this in anyone and cant control or cure it. This left me with me and my life. What do I want? what are my rights as a human being?
It sounds like you have made your mind up to not be happy about this situation and thats ok. You have a right to not be subjected to 2 active drinkers in your home, sounds like my idea of hell on earth and thank God for Alanon because I can just say no!!! quietly politely but assured that my NO is absolutely reasonable and right and will in no way injure anyone in my life. Saying yes on the other hand has many implications for me now I know what enabling is and how harmful it can be.
My suggestions, get to Alanon, what are you waiting for?
So I hope I'm doing this right.
(((Hugs)))