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My AH is a mess and I'm not sure what to do. He s decided to try to detox at home. He drinks 1/2 gallon a day and thinks he can just quit(I told him I think he needs an inpatient program). He didn't go cold turkey and has been drinking. However, he looks like death. He's pale, sweating, shaking, keeps falling asleep, talking nonsense, goes from laughing to Bali g his eyes out, extreme agitation. He does not have a fever or high blood pressure.
I think he needs medical attention but he says he won't go and to leave him alone.
Do I let him be or do I get him to the hospital?
This all started bc I was packing to leave... ugh
I am not an expert, but I have heard that alcohol detox can be dangerous. When I have brought my husband to a hospital, it always turned out to be the right thing from a health standpoint.
Unattended detox is a no no. He is under the influence of a mind and mood altering chemical poison. Have emergency take him after calling his doctor. Just my opinion and as a former alcoholism therapist. (((hugs)))
Even if he were to detox at home, he would still need a program to...
Errrr...re-program his mind. Just stopping substance abuse usually doesn't work. Attention is needed to identify his triggers, find a healthy alternative to drinking and tools to aid in his recovery, if he wants it. And he really needs to want it for himself. Usually, when threatened with a marriage loss or never seeing his kids again, it won't work. The user has to want help stopping. Just my 2 cents. I think we're not supposed to give advice.
Detox is potentially dangerous, when my AW went in she was put on a number of vitamins, kept hydrated, and given anti-seizure/convulsives. There isn't much you can do, and if you keep the focus on yourself you might want to decide if you want to stick around for it when he won't let you do anything.
i'm so sorry you are going through this. my ex attempted to detox at home and was an absolute mess, wound up taking prescribed meds along w/ alcohol and scaring the crap out of me displaying the kind of behavior/symptoms you describe... incoherence, confusion, etc. then he did it with an outpatient program and honestly, that was also awful - they also prescribed many drugs to aid detox but the process was downright scary. after that, i said never again would he detox again at home. are there children in the home? my feeling is that this process requires professional help and is unfair to impose on a loved one. hugs to you.
My now RAH (over 3 yrs sober from drinking 30+ day for 30+years) did detox at home. However, we had s strict agreement that he would go for treatment if things got out of control. It took him about 2-3 weeks, if I remember correctly to do it on his own (but he was attending AA at the time). He was terrified of loosing his job so he had his own motivation in addition to the other motivation of loosing his family, home, beloved pets, and all the comforts of life.
He did it this pway...he started fairly hard, but found it was too much. First he cut the number from over 30 to somewhere around 20, then after a couple of days he would drop again. He put all of his beer (he was a beer drinker only, thank God) down at our building about a quarter of a mile walk (both ways) from the house and made himself walk for each drink. He never took more than one and walked each time. After a couple of weeks he was down to 1-2 beers per day and had a VERY hard time letting go of that last kittle bit. I think he even slipped up once or twice at the end and drank several a couple of times within the last week. Then, he was given the date to return to work and had decided he could not go back while still drinking, so he had his last drink the last day off from work.
This plan was his and not mine. It most certainly wont work for everyone and I dont believe he would have been able to succeed were it not for a wonderful sponsor and a great AA group (which he still attends whenever possible). He has had to move due to a promotion (the kind of position where saying no is career suicide) and we have still kept our primary home. Our daughter lives at home (18 years old), I go between the two houses, as needed, and he primarily resides at the other house. We all see each other as a family as much as possible with her school and his work and my dr appointments. It works for us.
He recently met the three year mark of sobriety and is doing quite well, I think. Once in a while I see some of the old behaviors try to sneak back in and I dont let him get away with things. I dont yell or demand, but I did have a come to Jesus meeting not so long ago when I noticed he had started the tiny lies...even if not to me...yet!!! Who knows though, I dont check up on him anymore!
Anyway, it was a very calm discussion...on my part. He tried some of the old behaviors, but I didnt get on the crazy train...just told him I knew he had started telling lies again, though I realize they were small lies, but lies are lies. I also told him he was letting his position at work (powerful and controlling by necessity) into his home life and I was not going to go back to the way things were three years ago. I simply wont...drinking or not...and I never accused him of drinking (I do not believe he drank at all, but I know he would have soon if he didnt get himself in check with his sponsor). I also told him (no discussion here), that if he had started lying to his sponsor, and being important at meetings, then he was on the way to serious issues..llbut they were his issues, not mine. The conversation ended and we went to bed...not happy, but tired.
The next day, he must have thought about it because his whole demeanor changed and he made some serious changes, including making time to drive four hours to spend time with his home group. It is always good for him and so far, he is back on track.
I havent said anything else about it and hope to not ever have to address this again...but life is life....so we will do what works for us as a family.
I am very sorry you are going through this detox situation. I gave my Esther only to say it can be done, however, I believe your A is in worse physical shape here than mine was and I fully agree with the other members that medical detox is always a better option when one is suffering as he is right now.
Assuming it is the case, perhaps if you agreed to support him (emotionally) while in recovery, he might consider going. Im not saying you have yo make any real relationship decisions, just agree to support him emotionally. Its what I had to do and I honestly never intended to stay in the marriage at that point. Now, I am very glad I did. Just ESH...not advice.
Just my feelings, experience -- this is a dangerous and potentially life threatening situation. When he's shaking, talking nonsense, extremely agitated, etc., that is very critical juncture. At that moment, I would call the police and 911. Even if he refuses medical care, refuses to be taken to the hospital -- at least it's been documented, and it's on record -- for the next time.
I don't "negotiate" with the disease or the person. I don't participate -- at all -- with the person doing it "their way" regardless of what that means. A person wants to get better, get clean and sober, find recovery, quit, etc. -- they do it, period. Not they do it comma, their way, slowly, my way, home, here, there, etc. That's just me. I want my side of the street -- my hands -- clean. In my eyes. For me. Again, that's just me.
Nota bene -- self-detox, not under medical care and supervision, etc., is never recommended. Period.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
My ABF is in the same situation. He's been told to carry on drinking as it's too unsafe to come off alcohol this quickly - risk of seizures etc. He has been under the supervision of his mother to make sure he is reducing each day by a little bit and next week we get a live-in nurse for 3 days as he comes off completely.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
When my husband went to rehab he was very carefully put on detox with medication to help him through it and he had a lot of horrible side effects. He had a doctor visit him every single day. I think to try and detox at home is not a good idea.
I had a very good friend for a while who I believed to be a recovering alcoholic. It turns out that wasn't the case. I went through one detox with her at home and it scared the life out of me to the point I reached out to other AA members for guidance. We stopped being friends after that .. I hadn't realized we had a silent agreement I never agreed to .. that was I would keep her secrets as far as her continued drinking behavior and she could continue to do what she was doing in secret .. I didn't like that agreement especially considering I was going through a nasty divorce. Basically her friendship was way to expensive for me, I do have other friends who have relapsed through the program however no one has ever asked me to do what she did and pissed doesn't cover it.
I don't think home detox is a good idea however if you have your boundaries watch for what is a bad turn and so on .. it can be done. I won't ever do that again though based upon what I went through .. I was seriously terrified and angry with my former friend for placing me in that position. Thank GOD nothing bad happened.
Best of luck and health regarding this issue, I know it's not easy.
Hugs S
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
If he's willing to do "anything" to keep you from leaving (as they often say at this juncture), why wouldn't that "anything" include detoxing under safe supervision, and with a program of support? If he's still unwilling to do that, there are still limits to what he's willing to do. Also, the chances of him relapsing in a do-it-yourself lone program are so high that he might as well not bother starting. I'd call medical help. It may save his life. At the very least you will know you did all you could to help him be healthy.
Thank you all. The last few days have been grueling. He's been a mess. I told him yesterday that if he wishes to conitue detoxing at home that he needs to go stay with his parents bc he's not putting his life in my hands to keep him alive. I'm not doing it. I'm not taking that responsibility. Our children do not need to be seeing that. He tries to detox gets crazy and then starts drinking.... ugh
(((ITRL))) - sending you tons of positive energy and prayers! It sounds like you've set a boundary - good for you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
