For the first time in 4 weeks I took the girls to see my recovering husband at his mums where he is still staying.

As soon as I got out of the car I saw something was wrong. He had either been drinking or he'd had a few seizures/absences. My mother confirmed that he was sober, hadn't been drinking but that he'd had 2 seizures yesterday and 2 today, one of which he had shortly before he came down. My husband was nothing like the guy I had such a good time with last Sunday afternoon. He looked angry, slow, confused, just not with it. I hadn't seen him, in such a bad state since January.

I should be worried but I wasn't. I sort of got a little annoyed as the girls were all over him, excited to see him and he was playing the big guy whilst being 'out of it' and actually too tired. He often disappeared to the room he is staying in and would just stand there, staring into nothingness. He was argumentative, sometimes aggressive and not necessarily nice to me or his mum. I started doubting whether he had been drinking or was drunk. 

His mum was doing her best to have a good time and to make a nice lunch for us so I let him be and concentrated on having a nice time whilst making sure the girls were alright as my first point is protecting them.

After lunch my husband wanted to go for a walk with me to have a chat so we did. He was very stand off ish and the first thing he said was that our eldest thought his water bottle was vodka....it sounded accusatory as he has accused me before of putting those things in our daughters' head. She's not stupid though.

Moving on from that I waited for him to start talking. When he finally did he said he was angry he had the seizures. Angry and upset as he doesn't want to have them for the rest of his life and he wanted to end his life yesterday (this is the disease talking, I am aware of that) because he barely held on to his job, wasn't allowed to see his children, didn't have a wife or anywhere to live. He wondered if it would be so bad if he went back to drinking. He could forget, who cares, what does it matter. Why does he need to go through this unhappiness for sobriety.

I felt like his disease was trying to take him back and there is a big fight for him to fight these thoughts. He is definitely unhappy or depressed and has hit a real block. I asked if he had contacted his sponsor and he hadn't because talking doesn't solve anything my husband said. I felt I should listen to him and think about my response before I said anything as a lot of thoughts went through my head but not all of them helpful or very good and I still don't know whether my responses were good ones, codependent ones or compassion.

Wrongly or rightly I've read somewhere that a lot of recovering alcoholics feel like this at some point and these thoughts may have led to his relapse about 3.5/4 weeks ago.

This is what I told him:

The doctors have told us that the seizures will become less and less the longer he stays sober. They will eventually only be once maybe twice a year if keeps up a healthy lifestyle so they won't have to dominate his life. That said, he did relapse not that long ago and he may have put his brain and the chemicals dealing with this in disarray. His body could be kicking him up the backside by seizing as a reaction as it's trying to adjust again to becoming sober after a night of heavy drinking and his brain needs to sort itself out again.

I made him look at me because he didn't want to look at me and spoke sternly to him. I asked whether he had been drinking, He said no. His choice whether he speaks the truth or not, it doesn't bother me. It's his problem if he did. At this moment in time everything, and a happy life for him, is still possible and there are positives: he has a job, whether he is barely hanging on to it or not, he has one. For now his wife (who will support him where she can) and children (who love him and want daddy back) are still here.  He is desperately holding on to his routine of  work, AA, gym and his mums place. We are here for a good time, fun  times, busy days, building relationships. He can also pick up some fun hobbies, have a good time with friends or colleagues. I asked him if he honestly had as good of a time as he said he did last Sunday, careless good fun and he said yes. He had forgotten all about his struggle with sobriety for those couple of hours and that is positive too. He's got a lot of good things to fight for. 

At the moment he seems so low that the only way is up but it's his choice and every choice he makes is his choice. He chooses to stay at his mum, he choose to not contact us, he chooses how he wants his recovery to go. In my opinion something needs to change in the way he tackles his recovery but I know it's not my responsibility to make that happen. After counselling every week my husband seems more open, more caring and more wanting to get closer to me and work on us and himself and we often have long phone conversations that night. Unfortunately he goes quiet the day after for the rest of the week until there is a 'business message' which needs to be shared. 

I suggested doing recovery together. We could support each other, do our own recoveries separately but be there for each other when we need to, discuss things, be open, communicate and share. When I spoke to the volunteer from AlAnon last night she said that she and her husband both had their own recoveries but that they supported each other in their recoveries and discussed it openly. My husband thought it a could idea, I will eave it with him and see what comes from it.

He said that I was right, that he needs to change things in order to move forward and that he was an a##e. I told him that I wished I could fix it all for him but I can't and I shouldn't, he needs to learn from this, he needs to strengthen and want his life back because if he keeps going like this he will end up jobless, homeless and alone. He hugged me, took my hand and we walked back to his mums place. When we got inside I instantly saw his face change and saw that he had troubles in his head. I left him to it. I said my piece, the rest is up to him. I  am still very aware that he hasn't got a clue if he still wants to be with me and I am plotting and keeping my timeline as I too want to be happy. Today I was glad he didn't come home with us.

Now I don't know whether it's my codependency who is happy I was able to help my husband or whether it was compassion but I feel much more at ease and even though I feel physically unwell, I feel ok. I hope it's the right kind of ok.