The material presented
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Hello, I am in a situation and I am not sure what to do. Any advice is greatly appreciated. My father has been an alcoholic most of my life, often times cheerful drinking with stories from the past, often repeated many times over. But he is also very Bipolar when intoxicated and can flip from happy and reminiscent one moment to angry and screaming the next and sad and crying only a moment later. He has estranged everyone in his life at this point. His 3 sisters and brother want nothing to do with him and often don't answer or return his calls and hardly ever reach out to him. His other son also no longer contacts him. My mother and him split years ago because of his drinking and both of his parents have passed away. I am the only person that has stuck by his side and tried to see it through to the end, often times purely due to guilty feelings associated with leaving him. He is 63 years old at this point with no savings of any form and I believe he is going to be fired from his job tomorrow as a result of too many days taken off during his recent binge episodes. I am 27 and my wife and two children (both under the age of 2) all live in a rented home with him. The disgusting way he acts when intoxicated has always made me angry and infuriated my wife but before we had children we would wait for the binge to pass and him to gather himself, now with children in the home it isn't as easy. My wife wants him out of the house, I don't feel comfortable with him around my children and don't want them to witness their grandfather acting the way he does. I feel like I need to finally put my foot down and kick him out of the house and cut contact for some time but he is half crippled with psoriatic arthritis and as previously mentioned, has no savings and probably getting fired tomorrow so he will likely end up living in a hotel until the little money he has dries up and then living in his car or he will end up drinking himself to death. I am afraid I will carry that on my shoulders and blame myself, but I don't want my children witnessing it. He often threatens to kill himself while drunk although I don't believe he would do it. Also, he has a liver condition from the heavy drinking for so many years and his body can't process liquids, especially liquor. So when he drinks he often fills up with an asides and has to be drained.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. Sorry for any bouncing around, I am distraught and writing this at 1:25 AM.
Welcome SaddenedSon This is indeed a dreadful disease and I can sense your pain and confusion over the decision you believe you need to make. It sounds as if you have accessed the problem correctly and are now nearing an action.
Alanon is a program established for friends and families of alcoholics that hold face to face meetings in most communities and offer understanding and new tools to live by as we navigate the world while loving an alcoholic. You see alcoholism is a dreadful chronic disease that can be treated but never cured. I would like to suggest that before taking any actin that you search out alanon face to face meetings and attend . You can also check out social services for support that he will need if he gets fired or moves out.
You are not alone and there is hope for you and your family. please keep coming back here as well..
Welcome SS-The only choices I have been able to make in a calm, loving manner, have come after attending alanon for some time. I came to program to learn how to fix my A, and I was also obsessed with whether to leave or stay. There was also another bedroom I could move into. It has taken time and patience, to get myself recovering, because the alcoholic has taken quite a toll on me. My suggestion is the same as above-try and get involved with alanon which can help you get stronger and then make good decisions, Lyne
Hi Saddened Son - I am so sorry to read what you are going through.
Me and my now recovering alcoholic husband have 3 young girls and I've seen the effects my husbands alcoholism has on the girls. Our eldest is in therapy to deal with her emotions and behaviour from it. She grew up very fast because of it. I am not saying you should leave your father on his own but maybe there is a way to safeguard your children and wife? Is it a possibility for them to move out and find some peace and perhaps for you to go and stay with your father some nights?
It's very difficult unless your father has a desire to get better and juggling a young family. AlAnon will definitely help but I am also thinking about your children and what they will take from this.
Welcome to MIP Saddened Son - glad you found us and joined in to share. I too have been affected by the disease of alcoholism in ones I love. It is dreadful and it's overwhelming....I tried everything I could think of to fix, change, redirect, cure them and found myself broken, frustrated, hopeless and full of dread.
It is only when I found and attended Al-Anon with an open mind that I found my journey to joy and peace again. My life is far from perfect but it's way better than before.
I too recommend you seek out local meetings for support, fellowship and tools to help you recover. It's been a game-changer for me!
You are not alone - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha SS and welcome to the board and MIP family. Some of the family has stepped up to offer their ESH (Experience Strength and Hope) to you and your wife and children. We do not give advise as we only know from our own experiences. From my experiences I know and can verify what those who have said get to the meetings and the literature and such because that finally worked for me also. I came in with the preconceived notion that I could fix my alcoholic/addict wife not even knowing why I was in that kind of relationship and yet I was born and raised in the disease. I didn't know and didn't know I didn't know which isn't much of a mystery and this disease is "cunning powerful and baffling". Both sides of my family are alcoholic still while we (my current wife and I) have arrested the disease with participation in Al-Anon and AA.
We are a 12 step/12 tradition self help program the first step mentions that "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable". I read your post and that step fits as it also fitted mine. You and your wife seem to have reached the point where the solution to the problem is to have him gone and still you are hanging on which is normal for caring people to do. There are hundreds here who have that caring character...we kept ourselves in the problem until we learn to care for ourselves as much as the alcoholic.
The suggestion of getting to face to face Al-Anon meetings from my experience as a long term member and a former therapist working with the families of Alcoholics and addicts has worked best to those who needed to learn what to do. Ours is a "Family Recovery" because alcoholism is a "Family disease" and if not arrested by total abstinence can and has resulted in death not only of the alcoholic and also those others touched by the disease.
You are supposed to be not sure of what to do as we were when we first arrived and after participation in the recovery program we learn so very much more whether the alcoholic continues to drink or not.
You didn't cause this, you cannot control it and you will not cure it. Your Dad needs to talk with recovering alcoholics who have been where he is at now and to listen to them in order to learn, if he cares to, hot to get and stay sober.
Reread you post and see what you would suggest to the person who wrote it.
Keep coming back often and listen. There is much more that can and will help.
Hi and welcome. You are in the right place. In Al-Anon we do not give advice, instead we share our experience, strength and hope (ESH), as nobody knows what is best and right for somebody else... But by listening to ESH of others we learn... I'm sorry you and your family are experiencing the fallout of your father's disease. Unfortunately another person's drinking influences those around the drinker as well, and that's why we have Al-Anon, because we learn many behaviors and attitudes that harm us while living with alcoholism in our loved ones. This disease is crazy and crazy-making and without help I don't know if it is possible to cope with it in healthy manner without resorting to destructive thinking patterns and behavior...
I encourage you to attend face to face Al-Anon meetings and see what you make of them. It is suggested to come with an open mind and listen for similarities instead of differences - that sure helps tons.
One of the first things I remember reading from Al-Anon is the 3 Cs: I didn't Cause alcoholism, I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it. We are powerless over alcohol... I have tried for years to control alcoholic's drinking or behavior and just drove myself almost mad, that's all I managed to do.
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