The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So Tuesday I had a meeting with the company that is handling my divorce. They helped me fill out their Final Work book for divorce. It was mostly about who gets what... we have very little, so it was super easy. Kid is almost 18, by the time the divorce is final, he probably will be 18! So that ended up being easy as well. The stickler? I was told that I had to contact RAH and make sure this was a divorce "in agreement." All this time I figured it would be, but I was advised he still needs to sign the final paperwork even though he did not file any form of "contesting" during his 30 day period.
I went home a little vaklempt b/c I have been trying to not speak with him. He's not mean, just the opposite, he seems to act like this was just a little bump in the road and things have not changed. I seriously felt a little trepidation about talking to him about this, b/c I honestly feel that deep down, he thinks I will see what a great job he is doing with his recovery and we'd get back together... like last time. So I spoke with my HP that night, and this morning I talked with my sponsor. She asked me why can't I inform him of the developments via email? Well, b/c he lacks access. "OK," she said, "Then text him... you have no obligation to talk to him about it, just to relay information and hopefully get an answer. Face 2 face not needed here." So I ruminated about that for the day, and after work I did text him. As it turned out he called me anyway, but it was to tell me he wasn't going to contest, he just wanted to support me. And by the way, it's been 127 days that he's been working on himself and he is really good now...and I don't have to stay until the middle of next month, but I am choosing to so that I can keep working on me.
"That's great for you!" I said... but stayed silent about how I think he's fishing for a way back into this marriage. It was a bittersweet conversation. He told me he just doesn't want to lose my friendship. And maybe someday I'll be at that emotional place too, but not right now. Every day (although less and less now) I think about how my life could've been. How I would't have to leave a job that I absolutely love, keep my part-time hours (so that I have free time for my art), and not have days where I go hungry (don't worry, my kid NEVER goes hungry). Where if I needed new clothes for a job interview/internship, I could easily go and get a couple nice things. A life where I wouldn't have to choose between medicine to help keep my beloved dog from becoming paralyzed, or food. But those thoughts are the good things... they don't take into account living with an addict. Probably the worst kind of life to live aside of actually being the addict... you all know what I mean.
I guess when I am further along in my program, I'll stop wishing for the good ol' days (b/c in reality they were rarely all that good), have my mind firmly focused on the present and my new future, and then I will be able to accept his friendship. At least I hung up wishing him well, and I did not start bawling!!
I am currently still working Step 4, but stalled out due to lack of time... between work, school, kid, dog medical issues, prom, graduation, meetings etc. I don't have any free time! So I know that's OK.... for now. One of my responsibilities is bound to end soon, and then I can resume... no big deal!
Thanks for letting me share... I come here everyday before I head off to internship or work. Although I don't always post, It keeps me focused on my recovery... so thank you all for your ESH!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
PnP...go easy on yourself. I felt kinda tired after reading you post and all you are committed to and it reminded me when I was in that condition under the same condition. My sponsor would ask me "Well hows that working out for you" and I swear I felt kinda muggy just thinking about it. I learned to slow down and cut back and work the "first things first" slogan. Sometimes I feel grateful to still be breathing. ((((hugs))))
(((PnP))) - you do have tons going on. I recall when I was so busy and the kids were dependent still and I now look back and wonder how in the world did I do all that? I have just come to accept the simple phrase that HP really does not give us more than we can handle. You're doing great and your feet are facing forward - sending you tons of positive thoughts and support sweetie! (((Hugs))) too...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
PnP...remember the slogan "Keep It Simple"...so, let's do that at look at your post, what's going on, etc. I see one thing and it's' massive!!! In my experience, one thing you don't want to gloss over is the tremendous success and growth you had here...look at what you did and how you handled "the stickler" and how that played out. That's where all of your focus was. But, cut away all the BS and look at what you did!!! You faced it. You looked at it. You felt a little fear. You faced that and kept going forward. You didn't get consumed by it. You kept going. You did what you needed to do and didn't get caught up in the potential drama and chaos. You didn't get stuck in the BS. You let it go. You let it go...and it ended up not being a problem!!! That's growth!!! That's progress!!! That is you making a change in your behavior, mindset, thinking, and more!!! That is you getting better...getting healthy!!!
In my experience, your entire post is about you and your progress, your growth, what you need to do. You are focused on YOU and YOUR recovery. What's better than that...nothing! Even when you reference him, it is still about you and what you are doing, need to do, etc. That's incredible!!! When you make even more progress, you will feel the freedom -- the serenity!!! The serenity is amazing, it's a freedom from analyzing, looking at, writing scripts (that's a massive one, and many people do that!!!), and it's where living really happens. Enjoying life, and all that it has to offer.
Don't worry about your Step 4 work...it's not going anywhere...it will still be there when you get back to it, LOL.
Your post brought a smile to my face and some very good feelings.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Thank you, Jerry, Betty and IAH for your kind words of support!
Yes, my feet ARE pointing forward... now to just keep my mind pointed that way too!! LOL!
I am attending school so that I can move into a good paying career... I am crazy busy, but the payoff is that I will be financially self-sufficient. Yay! In a couple months, both myself and my son will have graduated, and things will slow down. So I am not stressing over it, it is just a fact of my life right now, and I know it won't always be this demanding.
My meetings, and reading these boards and your shares are what is keeping me strong in my decisions.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you, Serenity... I don't think you realize how important your support has been for me.
Funny thing... he told me, "I am really sorry this is what you want, but if it is what you want, then I don't want to make it harder for you." Which on the surface sounds GREAT, but in my head all I can think is, "No, this is not want I wanted. It is what I am having to choose for MY SANITY. What I wanted was a "normal" life, a loving, DEPENDABLE, supportive husband, and dependable father for our kid, who wasn't constantly fighting addiction. I did not sign on for this when I took my vows... even though this is now considered a disease, and the outdated vows say 'In sickness and in health.' Those vows don't mean to support you in sickness until I make myself sick as well.!"
LOL, but that was only in my head. Each day I have to remind myself that this is my reality... there is no "fairy-tale" and there probably never was to be quite honest. I married him knowing he was the baby of the family, thinking that he would mature and I could "mold" him into a fantastic husband/father. Almost worked. LOL! To help keep me from looking backwards, I remind myself that I am choosing divorce b/c it is the best thing for ME. And that's OK.
Going forward, I am reminding myself that I cannot change another person. It is only within them to change...regardless of what I do, or how much I want it.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Hi PnP
It sounds like a pretty emotional time. Hang in there and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I know what you mean about clinging to the Fairy Tale I have been pretty frustrated at times from being denied the fairy tale too. On the plus side I find that now that I am accepting my situation for what it is I can see other people's situations for what they are. I have seen no real evidence of any real fairy tales. Everyone seems to have their challenges big or small. That brings me comfort when I am feeling that way. The only thing that ever helped my life was to keep the focus on myself and keep moving forward. When I feel particularly low I try to do something for myself that I would like from someone else. I treat myself especially well. You're doing amazing keep going.
HUGS
So good to "see" you KT!! Thank you for your kind words. I am finding that dealing with my feelings about my life being "what it is," has been the hardest for me. Just when I think I've "got this," some resentments raise their ugly heads! I usually sit with them for awhile, then quickly talk with my sponsor so that I can get them out of my head.
I hope that you are doing well, and that you have peace in your life today.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Funny thing... he told me, "I am really sorry this is what you want, but if it is what you want, then I don't want to make it harder for you."
Soooo .. HE doesn't want to accept responsibility for HIS part in what happened .. LOL. Love how they spin the story ..
I think I had to come to a place where I exhausted everything I could do on my own and just allow my reality of my marriage wasn't going to work.
I truly admire the way you have been able to handle this chapter of your life .. and it's a chapter .. it's totally up to you how long you want that chapter to be .. I'm just soooo glad that he had the sense to move forward and I'm sure it helped that your boy is 18 and there's just nothing to fight about. The big joke in my marriage was .. umm .. are we the Rockefeller's and I just didn't know it?? The only thing to fight about was child support very literally and he didn't want to pay it .. and guess what .. HE STILL DID .. LOL. Oh well .. you know it's stories like yours that remind me even when people are not ok .. things can be resolved.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I think it does help tremendously that we don't have to fight about child custody. Dodged a bullet there, that's for sure! LOL! I read all the stories on here about parents who are dealing with custody with their drinking or early recovered partner and I just think to myself, "Man, they are such strong individuals!!"
The conversation ended with him saying, "Well, I guess I'll see ya around sometime!" With a little snarky tone. Literally 1 minute before he was professing his need to keep my "friendship" in his life! LOL! I didn't even want to think about that directly after the call, but looking back, I think that one line just shows how much he still needs to work on himself - even though it's been "127 days of recovery."
I could hear the same type of blame-shifting and "woe-is-me" talk/tone that he has always done to make me feel guilty. Used to work OH SO WELL! Because in reality, we will see each other at our son's graduation and probably before... but all he could think of was HIM.
Interesting to look at it with a clear head. Hmmmmmm....
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I remember feeling increasingly exhausted and overwhelmed as my exAH and I went through the process. I had been in survival mode for so long that I was just becoming aware of how this had affected me and how I needed to upgrade my self care.
