The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Unable to feel: The writer talked about her inability to feel, about anything , and likened it to being dead. She said living with alcoholism caused her to deny every hint of anger, joy, or sorrow. As she began to recover, she began to feel, and found it very confusing at first. She even thought she was getting sicker. But as she recovered, she became comfortable , and eventually regarded feelings as expressions of her vitality.
Today's reminder: Today I sill stop from time to time to see how I feel. Perhaps the day will bring joy or perhaps sadness, but either will remind me that I am very much alive.
Quote from Kahlil Gibran: I would not exchage the laughter of my heart for the fortunes of the multitudes; nor would I be content with converting my tears...into calm. It is my fervent hope that my whole life on this earth will ever be tears and laughter.
I can relate to this reading although my experience was a little different. I did have one or two emotions growing up: emptiness and seeing myself as a failure. I didn't know anything else. I never felt happy or competent. I knew crying. As I began to heal, when I finally felt happiness or joy, it was rather foreign to me. And I new it would leave as quickly as it came, so I preferred not to feel it. Alanon has permitted me to allow my feelings whatever they are . I've learned that how I feel this minute, may not be how I will feel in 10 minutes. I'm allowed to change how I feel with choices I make, and I understand the concept of ODAT, Lyne
I used to see AA members, who I thought would 'run off at the mouth'. One was my special friend, hubby of my sponsor. Under my breath, of course I used to call him 'a machine-gun mouth!'
But then- when I began to found my voice, and to experience emotions I began to do the same thing!
Being in with the same crowd as myself was a great asset. Was a long time when I really didn't know who me was. It is much much easier when everyone around me understands...
,,,,over the last two years I had hearing restored in my left ear. I was thinking it worked ok. I was second guessing on what people around me were saying. I was not picking up the words to music. But more importantly I could not pick up the pitch and timbre when people were talking.
Having that balance now had opened up a new world to me. I no longer feel anger and shut out! I can hear, and I can listen, too... ...
...ah believe, over time, that I found a balance. Being here helps.
Hi Lyne and David Thanks to alanon I have finally learned how to handle my feelings. I do believe that growing up I learned DENIAL and Pretend as the best way to acknowledge feelings. Most of my negative feelings such as fear I changed into anger as that made me feel in control.
Alanon meetings and sharing with a sponsor I finally learned how to feel my feelings- not react immediately not to process them, examine my motives and then process the feelings and respond in a healthy manner . Being able to feel joy , serenity and happiness was a true gift of this program. Thanks for your service.
Thanks Lyne for your service and the daily. Thanks to all for the ESH and shares. I had to learn that whatever I was feeling was genuine and that my feelings might be real but really were not facts. If I was sad, that didn't mean that's all I would be or could be...as said above, feelings change and so do I as I continue in recovery.
I came to Al-Anon feeling very defeated. My family of origin dismissed most emotions as they were a 'sign of weakness'. I knew one reaction - anger and it appeared no matter what I was feeling - sad, lonely, dismissed, ignored, defeated, etc. This program gave me many tools to help me identify my feelings, work through them and come out the other side learning and growing. I am grateful that I no longer get stuck in anger, resentment, pity, etc. but can move on.
I am glad this was posted tonight - my tomorrow is going to be a busy day! We finally have sunshine and nice temperatures and I plan to work a little, play a lot and see how that works for me....I can honestly say I have spring fever big time!!! Enjoy the day all - (((Hugs))).
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
This is me right now. This hits home. My AH calls me a "cold stone", tells me that I am completely emotionless. I know that I am not, but I have come to realize that I have spent years upon years pushing my emotions down, organizing them neatly in boxes, and tightly securing the lids. Always minimizing as I didn't have time for that. Lately it has been as if a flood gate has opened, and as if I am seeing everything around me for what it really is, for the first time ever. It is borderline crazy-making, I won't lie. Sometimes I catch myself trying to chase those emotions and get them back into their perspective boxes, because it was easier that way. I do try to stop myself, reminding that it is not that it was easier, it has simply been all I've known. I find myself repeating a quote I saw years ago at a business conference, "All great changes are preceded by chaos". I do feel like I am in the midst of chaos, and look forward to the day I have grown from all this. Thanks for this daily. I do find it interesting how so often it is exactly what I needed to hear at that moment.
I just want to mention that I grew up & matured through this program. I can feel, make better decisions & do the next right thing. I am grateful for a program that reminds me that I am not able to do any of this alone. I am a work in progress. I allow myself to feel more & not to get caught up in what others think. When I empty a hole in myself I can fill it w/ something positive. Like letting go of some of my shortcomings. I don't have to feel empty inside.
Aloha Kakahiaka Ohana....Good morning family and Mahalo...thanks for meeting my rise with your sincere ESH. I love you all for that. I am in an awesomely great mood after being treated last evening to a bout of humor that rose me from my sleep? Ever have that happen...wake up laughing and guffawing at the humor running about in the head without constraints. It would not let me calm it down and I was able to keep it quiet and refrain from rolling around on the carpet like a kid. This was after midnight and I came to see it as a celebration of breaking past the hurt and pain from a recent abuse by a loved one. Yet again I faced an anger bordered on rage which I use to act on before Al-Anon. I didn't again this time...mentally, emotionally, physically and otherwise. I am still bubbly and excited for the day.
I am learning that often when I am abused I will fortify the abuse with negative victim like choice as I did when living in the active disease. I don't want to do it yet I am compulsed and compelled to entertain the negative hurt and pain...gotta make other choices..."act as if" choices. It has worked before so I need to practice more.
The Courage to Change page for today was right on and then going outside to feed the "chirpers" and watch them act out as if they know and know that they know happiness and cheer is a primary emotion. Thank you God for the laughter and cheer; the little birds and abuse attempts. Let them all be just attempts and not anything I will join in on.
My HP is awesome and I believe just a portion of last nights hee haw was a gift for stepping forward to help some newcomers after the morning home group come to an understanding of this disease. It works when you work it.
Thank you for your service, Lyne, and all the ESH. This is a good reminder for me to look back and see my progress. A year ago I was unable to understand most of my feelings as I had stuffed them for a long time. Its amazing how much more I can feel and acknowledge I feel now, as long as I keep focusing on myself and on the program tools. I'm grateful for this :)
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