The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading in Courage to Change is about how we can get our needs fulfilled.
The author shares that they had spent a lot of time yearning for things (courtesy, respect, attention, affection, communication, etc.) that they were not getting from the alcoholic in their life. Their sponsor applauded their honesty, and suggested that they make a list of needs that were not being met. The sponsor then suggested that they would be able to have these needs filled, and the action that would make this happen was to start giving these things to others. The sponsor pointed out that we tend to get back what we give, and that by giving to others the things missing in the author's life, the author would be inviting those things into their life. The author shares that today, all of the things that were missing in their life are now present, at least part of the time.
Today's reminder: Today I can take an active role in fulfilling my needs. I can choose to become someone I would want to have in my life.
Today's Quote: "Many of us find that as we practice treating others fairly, with love and respect, we ourselves become magnets for love and respect." In all our Affairs
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Like the author, when I first came to AlAnon, I found myself focusing on what was missing in my life - things I felt that I had once had, but had since disappeared due to the effects of living with an active alcoholic. I thought I treated others the way I wanted to be treated, but I fell short on this goal in a number of ways. By turning my focus on myself and paying special attention to how I was treating others, I was able to notice when others treated me well in return. I recognized that, because of the affects of my codependency, I was looking to one person to fulfill my needs, and blocking out relationships with other people. By changing my approach to my relationships, I was able to build positive relationships with others, and built friendships that help me to meet my needs. I was also able to recognize the futility in expecting from others things that I needed to provide for myself. I have stopped expecting just one person to meet all of my needs. I can say today that my needs are all met to some degree some of the time, and that they are met through strong friendships with a variety of people.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Good morning Skorpi and MIP! Happy Hump Day!!! I too arrived feeling neglected, broken and just defeated. I too was 'looking for love, respect, adoration and more in all the wrong places'. I found it confusing and counter-intuitive to give to others that which I needed as I felt I was incapable due to feeling so broken. Of course, as it often is with my wild brain, I was over-thinking it and small acts of service helped others and me at the same time. Writing gratitude lists, attending meetings and hanging with 'winners' in recovery helped me greatly shift my negative thinking and gave me some restoration of sanity/esteem.
I fully agree that we get what we give. When we are negative, bossy, defensive, angry, etc. we stir up the same in others. When we are patient, kind, tolerant and loving, we still that up in others. Practicing unconditional acceptance of what is each day helps me stay towards the middle of the boat where the sunlight and peace truly are.
Make it a great day - I've got softball tonight and some little people this afternoon. (((Hugs))) to all!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good Morning Skorpi and IAH Great reminder to place principles above personalities and live by the principles that I want to receive. I know that I complained that the people that i was kind , generous and supportive of did not respond in like manner and my sponsor quickly pointed out that it did not matter. If I was simply treating people well to get them to respond to me in like fashion, I was attempting to manipulate them. The goodness I put out will come from other sources and it did.
Thanks all for the shares and daily. I can't tell you how much my life has improved since I am learning to look to myself to have my needs met. If/when others try, it's a bonus. My sponsor taught me to carry a QTIP and release expectations. These tools work so well and much of the time I can do it. I guess one of my favorite sayings is progress not perfection. Lyne
I sense that the primary A. in my life sensed my need to help and to be noticed. I don't think he woke up one morning and saw me as a sucker. But I worked harder and harder to gain approval. And eventually burned out.
This was my model and world view. My reality- what I was lead to expect. The steps taught me how to turn this all around. Not to be the same sort of person.
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