Hi Paloma, I love the clarity you found while reading your post.

What I see you saying is that life with an A is not rainbows and kittens, your sons are struggling with alcoholism and are not in frequent contact, you aren't happy at your present job, and the area you live in does not have promising job opportunities for you. Still, you know your life and your situation where you are, and there is comfort in that predictability.

Moving is unknown. It likely will bring better job prospects and the same amount of contact with your sons, but you are unsure of what your A will do.

Admittedly, I do not have children, so I cannot speak to that experience. I have had some major choices to make about job changes (trading security and a lousy work climate for the chance of a better career trajectory.) When I've been faced with questions about job changes or moving, I have asked myself what I want my life to look like in five years, and then I ask myself which choice will get me closer to that. I have to consider paying the bills in the short term, and I also try to let myself think about things like professional advancement, workplace climate, building job skills, and financial security. For me, I know my A is not going to hold down a job consistently, and I know she's not going to contribute consistency to household expenses. I've planned accordingly and over the past three years, I've put myself in a position to cover those things myself, so I am not as impacted by her financial decisions. I also have gotten to know myself. I like patterns, habits, and routines. I like security, I like stability. And, I also like challenges and career advancement is very important to me. So, when I'm making a decision about a job or a move, I make a list of pros and cons, set it aside, make a list of what is important to me know and order it most to least important, then I make a list of what I want my life to be like in five years. (on this list, I keep the focus on me, and keep things really general. Like "I want a calm and relaxing home life." instead of something specific about my A or others.) Once I have all the lists made, I look at them together, look at my needs now and look at my goals for five years, and see which choice (with its pros and cons) best fits my needs now and my goals for the future. Which one will meet my needs now and help me make progress toward my goals.

I have to say, also, I am generally risk averse, but I do like change and growth. My desire for growth and affinity for change outweigh my risk aversion. I've also found it sometimes useful to move to a new place and "start over" in a healthier mindset. I can leave the place-based memories and resentments behind, and focus newly on what is and who I want to be. (Although I see this as turning over a new leaf or getting a fresh start, not running away from, hiding, or denying the past.)

I hope you find more clarity as you continue to think about your decision.