Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Workingmama · Newbie

Not Sure Where to Start

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome, Workingmama! I just wanted to greet you. You'll probably see more responses in the morning, so keep coming back. There is a lot of wisdom here.

Yes, there are sponsors in Alanon. I found mine by going to meetings, and people at meetings also share their phone numbers. I understand the fear about it being a small town. Anonymity is a main principle of Alanon, and we are reminded that gossip has no place in our program. But if you are really worried, consider starting out with meetings in another town. There are online meetings here although I haven't taken advantage of those yet. There are also telephone meetings listed at al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/virtual-meetings/

This is a great way to get help for ourselves. I'm glad you found us.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP Amy - glad you found us and glad that you shared. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it affects all aspects of the lives of the drinker as well as many friends and family. I applaud you for reaching out - that's where our recovery begins.

I fully understand the fear of others knowing/judging. I am fortunate to not be in a small town, so can't directly relate to your scenario. I can share that I've been in the rooms of recovery for more than 30 years, and anonymity is taken very seriously. For all 12 Step programs, it's mentioned at every meeting, and is one of the foundations of supported recovery.

I hope you will find your courage to seek out local meetings for support. For me, meetings + all other program tools have been game-changers. Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery! We do have 2 scheduled meetings per day here, online. If you look to the top left, you'll find the schedule and the link to the meeting room.

You are not alone!

Skorpi · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Workingmama!

I'm glad you found your way to us. My alcoholic wife is also no longer drinking, and I can so relate to the alcoholic behaviors persisting! (Or, things I chalked up to alcoholism that are related to other things, like depression or anxiety.)

I live in a very small community, and attend a meeting in a different town, about 20 miles away. At that meeting, there are many people from surrounding small communities who wanted the support of AlAnon, but for whatever reason, preferred to not attend meetings in their local area. That aside, as Freetime says, anonymity is a main principle of AlAnon, so as I am today with what I know today, I wouldn't be afraid to attend a meeting in the small time where I live. (They just always start at 7 pm, and since I get up at 4 am, that's a bit late for me, lol!)

MIP was a huge support for me throughout my start in the AlAnon program, and it continues to be a major cornerstone to my AlAnon program today.

I hoe you keep coming back, try a few virtual meetings, try some face-to-face meetings. I have found that AlAnon helps me when I show up each day and intentionally work the program.

(((hugs))) to you!

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome...let me start by saying...you are not alone...Why? For so many reasons. Inside the rooms of alanon (face to face meetings, official, conference registered/approved meetings) you are in the right place...a safe place...where almost everyone in the room will understand what you are feeling, seeing, going through, etc. They have had the same fear you may be feeling, they have felt the same pain you might be experiencing, and they have gone through what you are now going through...and they made it. They went through it! They understand you and what you are dealing with.

That said, you have asked a great question. My first answer, based upon my experience, is that one of the core, fundamentals and foundation of the program is anonymity. Yours, the other people in that room, and more important...as you will hear and see in the meetings...who you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here. People are passionate about that. Sometimes their jobs and lives depend on it. In addition, I don't know that going to a meeting is "calling him out" so to speak. You are going for you...and not to berate him. I certainly understand your concern. My second answer is that you can certainly look to meetings in surrounding areas/towns. I hope there are other/alternative meetings nearby. My third answer is do not underestimate the importance and foundation of anonymity. I used to go to meetings in LA, CA, Hollywood, and the surrounding areas. There were a few meetings where you saw major, major celebrities. Which meant their spouse or child was the alcoholic. They still went. They were treated like everyone else. For that hour, hour and a half, they were just a person, like every other person in that room. It worked for them. If you go to meeting in your town, you might see someone you know -- and you might find that the secret you have, is now something you share with someone else in your town -- someone who has the same secret.

There are the 'ism's -- and yes, it is common that when the alcoholic stops drinking, the x can still have the 'ism's. and there can be a variety of behavior issues that come into play.

Lastly, yes, there are sponsors in alanon...and they are so very important.

Keep coming back.

Workingmama · Newbie

Thanks so much to all who responded. I went to my first meeting tonight. I bought a book, took a bunch of pamphlets and heard a lot of stories that resonated. Feeling like this might provide clarity where thereâs been so much confusion. When your spouse, for years, is irrational and illogical, your head gets cluttered and you canât tell what is real anymore. Hearing similar stories of anxiety, fear, numbness, anger, etc. and to hear that people are finding answers is reassuring.

Skorpi · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so glad to hear that you went to your first meeting and heard similar stories!
I've found that regular meeting attendance, reading AlAnon literature daily, and regular visits to MIP help me to sort out what was real, rational, logical, and acceptable to me, and what was not.
Keep coming back (((hugs)))

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Amy - so glad you attended a meeting! And - yes....when you live with the insanity of this disease, there is no doubt that our own thinking, outlook, etc. becomes distorted. I am like Skorpi - working my own recovery has given me more clarity to sort out what is real, what is not, etc.

Keep working it and keep coming back! There is hope and help in recovery!!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene