The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Good evening MIP! Decided to post tomorrow's daily a little early, so here goes!
The reading discusses how strange the concept of focusing on self appears when we first here it in Al-Anon. We wonder if others will see us as inconsiderate, thoughtless and/or uncaring. Many of us saw these same characteristics in our Alcoholics. We had fear of being 'that way'. Instead we often tried to do things for others that seemed loving and generous, even when we did not want to. Then, we grew resentful and couldn't understand why.
Our efforts to be selfless by pleasing others weren't working. The focus was on their response rather than what seemed to be the right thing to do. Clearly our work was conditional vs. unconditional and we learn in recovery that paying more attention to ourselves and doing what seemed best gave us more freedom to give without strings attached. That is pure generosity!
Reminder for the day --- The Al-Anon program works when I keep the focus on myself, attend lots of Al-Anon meetings, and make recovery my top priority. As I become more fully myself, I am better able to treat others with love and respect.
The quote of the day --- "We are best able to help others when we ourselves have learned the way to achieve serenity." from The Twelve Steps and Traditions
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I spent much of my time before recovery fixing, doing, advising others. I had the best of intentions always, yet kept the focus on 'this' vs. 'me'. It was easier for me to focus on others than myself and there is no doubt I arrived with resentments....I am so grateful that those who came before me were patient with me and gracious enough to allow me to find my way based on what I could swallow and handle, one day at a time.
I struggled to do for me, put me first and it was all foreign. At no point in my life had I been me - I had been daughter, sister, cousin, friend, wife, employee, boss, mother, etc. I had never paused long enough to see 'me' as just another imperfect human with a loving HP! It was foreign, uncomfortable and scary.
What I did find is that the more I focused on me and my program, the more peace I found each day. I also gained self-respect and esteem as well as the same from my A's. They actually were relieved that I was not asking questions, sneaking to catch a peek at what's up, etc. I stopped pressuring them to get sober, to ..... as well. I truly detached begrudgingly at first but with love in time, and it's been a very healthy move.
I can love them from across the street. I've come to accept them as they are, one day at a time and no longer expect them to be anything other than who they are. We all have good days and bad days and yet, with recovery, they don't ever seem as daunting and painful as before. Deep down, I do know that I have a loving HP and he wants me happy, joyous and free. He also wants me to live, love, learn and grow one day at a time.
Self-care and self-focus with this program gives us complete freedom to accept life on life's terms. So grateful! Make your Friday a great day all. Two nights of softball in a row in reasonably cold/rainy weather has this gal hoping to sleep in tomorrow...(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good morning, MIP! IAH, thank you for your service
When I first came to AlAnon, I was full of resentments. They still pop up every once and a while, but at least they don't consume me anymore.
I have a group of slogans printed on index cards that I keep under my computer screen at work. The one that is up today is "Expectations are just premeditated resentments." I've found it useful to have that slogan handy to deal with my resentments. It is helpful for me to remember that, when I am upset about what AW is or is not doing, and feeling resentful about being taken advantage of, that my expectations for her behavior are what got me into this state. If I let go of my expectations for others, the resentments don't build up.
I hope you have a lovely Friday! More and more of my little sprouts are showing up in the "garden nursery". A promise that spring is on its way!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thanks for the daily and all ESH. I worked very hard for many years to try and fix my A. By the time I came to program I was lost and miserable. Years of excellent suggestions all fell on deaf ears. Go figure! Learning to give up expectations and not take things personally were such good tools. I have to admit I felt selfish at first, after all, my A was the sick one. But I came to realize how sick I had become and I could put my efforts at "fixing" to good use--on myself. I have a better grasp on things now, which means keeping the focus on me and always trying to Let go and let God. Grateful for Alanon, Lyne
Thanks for your service, IAH, and the ESH above. I too found it kind of strange at first to focus on myself - it felt kind of selfish, and I wondered how on earth would that help make anything better. I am still learning and stumbling a lot, but there's progress and I can see the value in focusing on myself, as I am the one who I can change. I used to try and please my ex-abf, in a variety of ways, in the hope that it would bring about change in him and he would stop drinking or at least cut off. It was all futile and in fact as time went by he drank more, but I didn't give up till I heard about my powerlessness over another's drinking in Al-Anon. A lot my actions, including pleasing the A, came from my fear of losing the relationship or provoking the A's anger/resentment/blaming etc.
I'm grateful for you all being here and sharing. I feel down and wallow in the unfairness of the world and self-hate these past couple of days, but at least now I know I'm not alone and that this too shall pass. Perhaps a good change is coming, I have noticed a few times that I usually learn something after these periods of more intense pain. I just don't know what it is until I get through it.
I wasted a lot of time waiting for acknowledgement from my ExAW. It almost never came and while I certainly resented her I was also angry with myself for choosing to depend on some fantastical goodwill that was never going to happen. As I have let go of these expectations I have experienced greater freedom and relief. I believe my Ex has as well.
Good Afternoon MIP family. Thank you IAH for the daily and for your service and for all the ESH before me. Self focus to me is using the tools from the program to work in my own garden each day. Only when I work and cultivate my own product do I have a healthy crop to share. When I find myself talking or elaborating about what someone else is doing/not doing it is robbing me of self care and another of their business however they choose to run it.
Welcome to MIP Donehurting - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. The way I work the program is not to be selfish but instead to put my needs first. We come to understand this is a healthy habit that has been missing for the majority of us. Many of us, self included find that living with the disease caused distorted thinking, reactions, behaviors and more.
So, I don't consider taking care of self as selfish but rather as healthy. When I am balanced emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc. I am better armed to handle life on life's terms. Alcoholism is a selfish disease, and is progressive, powerful and considered a family disease. Al-Anon really helped me to accept the disease concept as well as to realize the behaviors of another are not a reflection on me even when it feels like it!
Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
