The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband asked me to tell him when to call me from rehab.
I gave him two times.
It is possible the wires got crossed because he doesnât have his own phone and I had to pass on a message.
Either way, he missed both times without a word to me.
I feel heartbroken. I have been feeling very positively towards him lately as recovery has been showing me how I have wronged him in many ways. I wanted to start again when he finished treatment. Itâs another six months before he finishes.
This hurt me. I established an expectation. And it wasnât kept.
I donât know whether there is constructive action I can take.
I just miss my husband. Even though by the time we parted I wanted him gone, I miss his company.
I am sad that he didnât call. But i see now I set myself up for it by establishing the expectation - without 100% clarifying with him that he shared the expectation.
An expectation is a premeditated resentment.
Anyway, guys I am just sad. I miss being a family. Even though I know it wasnât healthy, I miss aspects of it.
Today has been hard.
Thank you for listening.
I am sorry you are hurting right now. Everything about this disease sucks! I see you are very aware of the effect having expectations can have when dealing with your qualifier. It's time to toss those expectations in the trash can.
Just to maybe help you stop future tripping... at the facility where my husband is currently, they only had very limited use of a common room payphone. Rules are strict, so it may be he lost phone privileges... or perhaps someone else did something stupid and everyone lost privileges. My husband had a 24 hr pass revoked b/c someone stuffed oranges and lemons in the common room toilet! Seriously! Everyone's passes were revoked until the culprit confessed. I had no idea, as the counselors there do not inform the spouse... many times they see the spouse as the biggest enabler... and many times that is true. What I am trying to convey is that there may be many reasons OTHER than he missed the calls on purpose. I feel you are certainly within your rights to GENTLY ask him what happened, as you made sure to set aside time in those days to be there for his calls - no accusations, that just sets a boundary of common courtesy for the future.
May I suggest using the slogan QTIP (Quit Taking It Personally)? I know that it helped me tremendously.
Keep working on you, and you will then be ready to support him in a healthy way when he is ready to leave rehab! Our recovery can be hard... but not impossible.
Sending you hugs over the interwebs!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
(((Annie))) - I too am sorry you are sad. I love your awareness and agree with what PnP says above. Rehabs are typically very structured and freedom is very limited. There is no issue in feeling your feelings! What recovery has taught me is that feelings are not facts. My brain takes a disappointment and turns it into a full-blown soap opera...It's helpful to pull out a tool/two/three and work to get back to today - this moment, where I can better see and feel that all is really OK and what is right now is not what it will be in 10 minutes, tomorrow or ....
One of my favorite tools when I feel disappointment or sadness is the phone. Reaching out to a friend in recovery is so very helpful when I feel lonely, sad, disappointed, etc. It instantly reminds me I am not alone, I am not unique and I am worthy.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers - this too shall pass!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It's definitely a lonely time when spouses are away in rehab. I didn't understand or know everything that went on at my husband's rehab when he was away. I did learn when he called that they had him busy very busy. It was a new situation for him too and he didn't know what to expect from day to day. It was hard for me to be patient with the whole process. I felt a bit abandoned and a bit jealous of all the seemingly special attention he was getting while I was just home on my own trying to keep everything going in his absence. Going to more Alanon meetings helped a lot with all of that. I worried about him. I worried about the unknown - what they were doing at that rehab, how it all would affect me and our marriage. I drove myself nuts obsessing about all of that. I looked forward to his calls. I waited for them. I panicked when he didn't call. I got into a bad place emotionally and projected all kinds of possible reasons why I hadn't heard from him and none of them were very good. I really needed my own recovery network, not just here but in person and I'm grateful I found that at face to face Alanon meetings. My spouse was gone almost a year. I sent letter that often went unanswered but learned from him that he was always in some sort of group or at meals and didn't have as much time to write me. He liked pictures of what I was enjoying at home while he was away. I grew to understand that he was away to get well and the best support I could offer was to take care of myself and keep recovering too. I got busy with working the steps and that kept me busy and helped with my sanity and serenity. It didn't take away my loneliness but it helped me with finding more acceptance and gratitude. I'm sorry you feel sad (((Annie))) Been there. Glad you shared and hope you feel a little less alone because of the responses here. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Hi. I certainly relate to sadness and missing your relationship, even though you know it wasn't healthy. I miss what I used to have and my spouse is home. But the looking to the past keeps me stuck there. Alanon teaches me to stay in today. One day at a time. Both the future and the past lead me no where. I agree with QTIP. My sponsor taught me this. There are so many reasons why the calling times might not have worked. He may be as upset as you! My sponsor also taught me not to have expectations. Now this takes a lot of work but with program I have gotten much better. Another important slogan we have is Progress not Perfection. You can help yourself a lot if you give alanon a try. Keep coming back! Lyne
It during times like this that I understood I was getting much of the time I needed to practice thoughts, feelings and actions which were missing from my life. I had a more higher power in my life than the disease and the alcoholic/addict. I loved her. I didn't need her. I can take care of myself as I was given the tools and opportunities to do such. What a lesson. Sadness for me often was he sign that I needed more of myself as I was the one most always present. (((((Annie)))))
Some people seem to be able to call.feom rehab easily. There is generally only one phone and a lot of people who want to use it. The not calling may not be his fault.
Personally I think.rehab is one of the hardest times. I think it is also a tim e when you can focus on yourself Jose we after havinbg someone elmse take priority in your life for a long times that is hard to do
They generally keep people very very busy in rehab. The idea is to take a complete tim e out
Then they want you to show up on family day and be 100 % supportive.
I hope you will use this time to work on your feelings There are plenty of people in this group who know where you are. Having your feelings acknowledged is a great thing. It is pretty rare to find a place where you can 've accepted
Thank you everyone, so he did get in touch to let me know that he hasnât been able to call and hopes to soon.
It is very lonely.
I identify with what a lot of you said. Also reminds me to be grateful that at this place they do stay in touch with me and update me on important things. I just donât want to be bothering them with trivial things like âwhy hasnât he called me.â Itâs not urgent, as far as I am concerned he should call when he wants to and itâs healthy for him.
I want to be getting on with my life and preparing for an independent future - even if that means having him in my life again eventually.
I donât want to be sitting by the phone pining. Itâs hard not to though.
I have been trying to focus on what is special in each moment. I have such a tendency to jump into the future - and in particular - into making plans about the future based on what I like or donât like in the present. I want to be more grounded in my reality. Al Anon is helping with this.
Again I notice that this week I got to less meetings, I was unable to attend the group I am coming to see as my âhome groupâ. And I can feel it in my outlook that I have been missing something. Next week I am going to make a special effort again. I see now how important it is - especially in facing the loneliness inherent in being in this situation
Thank you all for the care and support.
