The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The word God gave me today is Expectations. In my experience, they are premeditated resentments. I place expectations on the people around me to act a certain way or do a certain thing and of course I don't tell them. I just expect them to know their role. They, being human, do not live up to my expectations, and they fail me. I am disappointed. They don't know they have failed me because they don't know of my expectations, so they do not apologize to me for being less than they should be, so that pisses me off. Etc. etc.
Wouldn't it just be easier not to place expectations on them in the first place? Know what I mean jellybean.
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
Thanks Wolie Having unrealistic expectations of others, was certainly one of my' hidden defects". Working the steps with a sponsor helped to uncover it . Having faith that HP would direct my recovery and carefully remove these expectations so that my true assets could be revealed was a huge gift of program. Thanks for the reminder
Wolfie, you described me very well .. or how I used to be. I had expectations, and I didn't tell the "expectee" what they were. Reducing my expectations would have helped, as would have "say what I mean, mean what I say, but don't say it mean." Thanks to working my 4th step, I know better now.
Living in a world of no expectations is great however what's the difference between an expectation and responsibility?
I expect if I have had a conversation with someone that they show up if we have scheduled a lunch date because if I didn't have that expectation why would I then bother to show up?
If I expect with no communication then I feel resentful that's on me or if I expect something from someone who can't give it. It is silly for me to expect for a baby to tell me what they want or need just based upon the fact that they can't communicate clearly I have to have some kind of intuitive idea as well as common sense that it's time to feed, change or whatever. Or expecting an addict to show up when they have shown me they can't be counted on and being mad about it .. again kind of on me to have that thought process.
If I don't follow through with responsibilities then that's on me, my boss expects me to meet my deadlines. That's my job, if I don't do that then I don't have a job. So sometimes I find it interesting that there is a difference between unrealistic expectations such as reading minds and expecting things from others who can't provide those things to me. I'm not going to schedule lunch with someone who is a flake, I will have a plan A,B,C ... I don't want to waste my time. I also have a responsibility to myself as well as others do I not to fulfill my obligations. I still have unspoken responsibilities to fulfill and not having any kind of expectations doesn't take the responsibility off of me to make sure that my part of obligations are followed through .. OMGOSH .. group projects is a huge one .. there is usually one person who is carrying the project unless you get really lucky and have a great group to help.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Great topic and/or 'word for the day'. We had a meeting yesterday about acceptance and of course discussed expectations greatly as when we have 'them' - esp. without sharing them - we are certainly going to end up having resentments and coming back around, through the tools to acceptance.
For me, Al-Anon has helped me say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean. I was the 'Marge in charge' forever organizing, planning, etc. - required and social events. I've decided to try to take a back seat for a while and let others drive for a while. It was a huge adjustment in my family - and both my boys at different times asked why they'd not been invited over for dinner. This let's me know that they do care even when they act as if they don't and that they miss it...
I have to keep a watchful eye out for needs vs. wants. I'm grateful recovery showed me a different way to be and to let others be.
Great shares and ESH - thanks for the topic!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Expectations are a big cause of pain for me.
I was expecting my husband to call last night from rehab. It is hard for him to call because he is reliant on using another person (who is further along in the program)'s phone, as the rehab doesn't have a public phone and this is the arrangement the staff have made. So he didn't call. I was very disappointed.
However, if I didn't have the expectation I am sure I would not have even noticed. When I didn't expect him to call, I easily went a month without hearing from him.
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
This is a great topic! This is such a difficult thing to stop doing....expectations of another, but the problem is, the other person never agreed to meet these expectations. I have struggled on both sides of the fence. I try to work on this, because I hate it when someone has these type of expectations of me.
When it comes to expectations...I check my motives. First, I very much want to make sure I am not setting myself (or the other person) up for something. Second, if I am setting up the other person, then that is a major problem...of mine! Serious character defect. I am proud, and grateful, that I haven't done this in a long time. But I still do my gut checks, objectivity checks (must be with another person, obviously, LOL), and I still want to strive to improve myself every day.
In addition, even though my expectations are usually in check -- it doesn't matter. Disappointment is disappointment. It is sometimes hard to completely eliminate both the expectation or the disappointment. Why? It could be circumstantial. Even a surprise, an unexpected situation -- can lead to disappointment. Something happens, I tell my sponsor, I am disappointment, he says, well you had an expectation. OK, but whether it was expected or unexpected, it doesn't matter -- I am still disappointed. LOL. Where doing the work comes in for me, in my experience, is how I handle the so called disappointment. For me, it's the 3 A's -- awareness, acceptance, and action. I have awareness, I feel it, I know it's present. I have acceptance, and I don't fight it. I accept that it happened, and more importantly, I accept how I feel. Acceptance is not only about and for the other person -- it is about and for me as well! I accept I feel this way. My action is that I don't let it consume me. I do that by not fighting it and not trying to force it away. I am powerless over that. So I don't fight it and it doesn't consume me. It doesn't grow and get exponentially worse, greater, etc.
Thanks for all of the posts.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
