The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today was tax day. Appointment was made a year ago b/c they get so booked. At first I tried to do things through my STBXRAH's sister, as I was not strong enough to constantly talk with him about what was needed for this appointment. Then last week he called and said that he needed to start to manage things on his own and stop allowing his big sis to be "the Mom" for him, so he would be going to the tax appointment and would have all the necessary paperwork.
I could hear his program coming through, and you know, I agree with that... now I have to pull up my big girl panties and be strong enough to handle this.
He said that he would call me Monday to touch bases about the appointment. Monday no call. Tuesday morning no call. Tuesday night no call. No call this morning. I left resigning myself to possibly only doing my part of the tax appointment. When I got there, he wasn't in sight. He ended up being 20 minutes late (and of course I had to apologize for him being late & had to pass the time answering the tax guys questions about some of the stuff that went down... ugh!) Anyway, I didn't burst out crying when I saw him - probably helped that I was miffed he was late! LOL - I did notice there was a couple times I could feel the anger coming off him... once I think because he saw I wasn't wearing my wedding ring, and the other I wasn't sure until after the appt.
After the appointment, we talked a little... of course that is when I cried. But I tried to redirect the conversation to keep my from doing that. Found out that he was angry when I had said the date of separation was in August and that he had lost his job Aug. 4th. He was mad b/c he hadn't lost his job until Sept. 15. I then said, "No, August 4th you were let go for blowing too high BAC." Of course he denies that. I decided to let that go... who cares, anyway?
I find it odd of his perception though. But on the drive home I reminded myself that he was very, very sick then. I had enough at that time, the loss of the job/health insurance was just the last straw for me. So I had given him until the end of August to seek treatment or kid and I would move out. He didn't, so we moved. It's odd that he has no recollection of those events. Luckily, he did not stay angry... heard lots of good program words coming from him about that. But he still has this skewed version of what happened and is sticking to that.
I did come right out and tell him that I have been having a hard time having him served with the divorce petition. Told him I have the papers in my car. He said, "Ok, I'll sign them." I then told him neither he nor I sign them. I have to have a witness signing that they were given to you. I asked him if the gentleman that drove him could do that? "No, I don't want him to do that." So I accepted that, and told him the courts are wanting me to move this forward at this point. He suggested that I give the papers to his sister since he will be given a 24 hr. pass this weekend. I told him I had been trying to avoid either family taking that responsibility, that is why I had the sheriff's office try, but they couldn't at the facility, and now he will be there until end of April, so I have no other choice. He agreed.
He then stated he just wants to be friends... that is his goal. I then told him that I think that is my goal too, but that I am too raw over this whole thing still, and I feel like he is pressuring me about that. He said he didn't want to do that in any way. So I just reminded him that right now, emotions are too raw for me to act chummy and close... but I am working on me everyday.
It was a weird meet-up, but I didn't die, nor fall apart into pieces afterwards. I am still processing some of the stuff he told me about him and his recovery (he's finished Step 4 & almost Step 5).
Thanks MIP for helping to know that I could face this... b/c I could.... and did!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Good on you .. it sounds like you followed the whole to thy own self be true motto.
YES .. it is hard when they want to be friends out of the gate and sometimes there is a need for some space because their perceptions of what happened are skewed and while it could be the affects of the active alcoholism I question the whole "I don't remember so it didn't happen" attitude with the whole it's in the past motto. I find life easier when I stop trying to argue my truth of a situation and it's usually a situation only three other's were present .. HP, me and my XAH .. he seriously doesn't remember a LOT of what went down. Plus as you stated does it matter at this point .. for me it matters only if he's telling me my perception is wrong and it's like umm .. really? One of us was sober .. and it wasn't you. I try to keep that one to myself.
He IS still very sick the difference is he's now coming out of his fog and where he goes from there is up to him. I think it's great that he's able to stay until April in treatment that is a wonderful gift for you both. I do wish him well with his current recovery and may he continue to be present in it. I also wish you well with yours so you can continue to move forward. LOL .. I hope you do keep in mind this is no different in terms of a run through of the steps the first time then there is a second, third and so on .. one time through the steps is not all of it. It is a clearing house of consistency working through the next layer of things. I will never be done with the steps .. I will always be rediscovering things about myself that I have forgotten.
Big hugs you are right where you need to be and that's such a wonderful gift.
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
(((PnP))) Way to go. I love how Serenity put it in the context of a clearing house. So very true. It's also a huge step if he continues recovery after he leaves treatment. The rubber meets the road so to speak.
Just as soon as I "think" I have this........one or more of the A's in my life go "south" and I realize in here with all these great people, is where my sanity is.
(((PnP))) - good for you - you did it! I am so excited to see what you wrote - that's where we all get added 'program' - thru shared ESH. It also sounds like he's accepting and embracing recovery, which I am always a fan of. I am so glad you took your HP and made it to today and through today!
Be proud of where you are and how you are working your recovery! (((Hugs))) - sending love and light for a relaxing evening!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Wow good work, PosiesandPuppies. My XAW asked me if I wanted her to do our taxes. I almost got very rude then but managed not to. I just can't trust her enough to turn over that responsibility. Now I have to figure out if I'm going to try to use H&R block, TurboTax or some other means.
WestMan - I use TaxAct....just FYI. I found it easy to use many years ago, and continue solely because our core data and previous year data easily pulls in for the current year. In my area, depending upon income, there is support for free or reduced tax return help! I do my own and find the programs to be very helpful no matter the level of 'skill' for the one preparing the tax return.
Just throwing another program out if you decide to tackle on your own!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
