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I am really struggling today and I am learning which is all good however WOW WOW WOW .. this has been a week of lessons .. not all of which I have been thrilled with.
My oldest in college is still struggling with some health issues that I am finding out are brought on by themselves not taking care of themselves, so I've got this dichotomy going on that on one hand he's doing great and moving forward in a positive way .. and communicating .. to a point and being honest and up front ALL positive. The other side of the coin is that I am seriously going to have to learn NOT to ask questions such as how was your day and how are you feeling. My anxiety goes through the roof.
The answers that follow are well, I passed out in the hallway at the dorms today. I feel better at the moment. WTH!? Umm .. me picking up the phone .. can we revisit the whole passed out in the hall statement? What's going on. My kid being my kid has diagnosed himself with Chronic Fatigue, Diabetes, and so on .. I'm trying to calm them down and say .. let's go to the Dr and find out what's going on. I have to take him because of on going issues and him learning about insurance and so on .. this is temporary. Then I remember something he's drinking 3 cups of coffee and a monster drink which those should be banned they are awful and they do kill people. This is coming from the stand point of I used to work for a soda company and it's just not a good gig.
Sooo .. fast forward we have been in daily contact, I call .. he calls, we are in good contact because I am being told he's having issues with his health, it's having a good effect on our relationship. Today though .. no contact, class starts at 8am, yesterday's phone call ends with the statement I still don't feel ok .. my head is fuzzy. This in the afternoon. I suggest a powerade or Gatorade so that he can replace some things that may be burnt up. He says ok. That's the last contact I have, I send a check in text in the afternoon, no response .. ok .. it's all good. Today I start calling knowing there is a class this AM at 8AM .. no response, I reached out all ways through social media. By 10AM, I'm headed into meltdown mode .. I mean legit .. all kinds of things went through my mind because he's still showing phone plugged in and no moment .. not normal. I called the Dorm and said ok .. someone has to check there has been health issues involved and I'm not waiting anymore.
At this point it's 1030AM no response from anyone and I'm starting to make a plan B, my BF can he be available because there's no way I will be able to drive 2 hours if something is wrong. He's available. I'm starting to pack up at work in terms of what is done. He calls and so does the Dorm .. thank GOD. I started crying. I have felt helpless in my life .. this was horrible. Thankfully, he was exhausted and it really does seem that this was a caffeine issue, it's been 72 hours with no caffeine. He's eating, exercising (this is all self care stuff he's already doing). Bless his heart, it's like can he just get a break. I can't imagine what happens to parents who have emergencies and they are states away .. I'm not equipped at this point. He totally apologized however feels so much better and slept really well. Going to class for the last two classes of the day and I am already scheduled to be there today for financial aide. I told him .. I would be fine had there not already been health issues.
There's a lot I can cope and deal with .. my kids .. whole new level of holy crap not ready for this .. it's more about the issue of knowing I can't and don't have access to them.
Anyway .. things are good however this was a real wake up call to trying to function and not be in control. Of course me being me we start a GIF war .. LOL .. which I am ok with .. good to know he's got his sense of humor. UGH!!
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
(((Serenity))) My son was dx with RA when a child. They didn't get the official diagnosis until he was in his late 20s. I kept up with him by having him sign the doc forms so I had access to his labs, etc. All the testing they did as a child came back positive, then false and back around again......until finally concrete after he had a GI episode (smaller intestine can twist inside itself) and was hospitalized for 7 days......he has an open door ER ticket if he gets in trouble, no waiting, straight to surgery if it happens again............but this has been app 9 years ago now. What a road....he works like crazy, heavy manual work as a mechanic, (has 2 of his own biz) and drives trucks again as of a few months ago......much letting go here at work.....
He's 34, wow, time flies, thought he was still 33 lol. The way we as moms worry..........he passed out twice getting off his truck a few years ago due to hypoglycemia unawareness.......my mind.......oh my.........I have tried to get this kid to eat right many years. It simply doesn't work. I do share what I am doing to feel better and care of me. We have very similar issues.....My daughter is on the other hand very closed emotionally yet in it all, we are all 3 very close. I find myself asking her for forgiveness when I don't spend as much time with her even now that she's 35. She simply does the life as it comes and praying she will find her way into alanon........
Fast forward and month before last my son had over a ton fall on him at work. The weight of the 18' steel stock tanks nested together.......it's a miracle it didn't kill him. BUT, it did hurt his back and he's a total workaholic. The workmans comp is really messing him up and even cancelled his pain injection where the disc was popped out and a small fracture. It is a total mess........that isn't the big issue though. I've waited on this day........he is not on any opiate pain meds thankfully, is working pt time as he can and yesterday.......tells me his biggest struggle is now walking past the beer case in the convenience store.......
I did the usual, "son, you know this runs deep in the family and yes, I know those beers take away the pain, are good muscle relaxers and so forth but the price isn't worth the temp relief......it is sneaky and everyone "thinks" they have it under control till it has them etc" I've been trying to give all this to God and not pick it up again. Knowing how he works and that coming to a screeching halt......then to only be able to handle a few hours due to pain is a mixture for chaos in an alcoholic family.
The "if" thoughts are there. If I could bring him here and cook healthy for him a couple weeks......if I could go down there and cook for him a couple weeks and see if he is really following thru with physical therapy and so on. He's not married yet......
All of this is an area I work hard on to keep turning over and reading others ESH, trying to wade thru what part is mine as a mom and what part is not as an alanon........I can totally relate to your son keeping closer contact, mine is doing the same thing with down time now.....and I am grateful he talked to me about the beer but in the statement I see he is also worried about it.....
Hi Serenity-Having a grown son, I can relate! Do not agree with many of his decisions, and have to accept I have NO control over his life as he is married and has a 7 yr old. We are close, we talk, and we are also seeing an addiction counselor together. Have to practice Acceptance of the things I can't control, Live and let live, Easy does it, and a host of other tools I have in my tool box. Practice, practice, practice, won't make things perfect, but I do settle for progress, Lyne
LOL . well we had a great visit and I enjoyed it a great deal. He's still my monkey. We had a nice dinner together and there was a mini crisis about books. I am a little irritated with this college that you can have debt and still go to class .. it's confusing and I am worried. We did get 700$ knocked off and we are further into assistance for next year. I am very worried about that. I also realize that my kiddo is not fully listening to what's being said or hearing what they want to hear. So I wonder what deal with the book situation was actually made .. that's not on me and he's addressing it so what more can I do right?
I had to laugh the realities of financial stuff is coming through and it's not that I'm never going to help however I am not the go to person and I can't always help. I have a new motto .. do no harm .. this includes me. This has been a huge shocker for everyone in the family and I am learning not everything is a battle. My youngest is about ready to get a clear reality check when he's passing his classes with high marks and winds up in summer school because he can't get to class on time. Thankfully that will be addressed with a change of schedule and an amazing boyfriend. Still there may be some consequences he's not prepared for and I'm letting them happen even though it means summer school for attendance how flipping stupid is that!?
So that's a big learning curve on my part .. pick my battles and I don't need to call the troops for everything that happens .. consequences are a far better teacher than me.
He's doing sooo much better no coffee or caffeine at that point and figure out .. oh wow .. I feel better .. UGH .. ya think?? However I have gotten crazy texts about what if I have this .. and what happens if .. I'm like honey ... love you .. and I feel like Dr McCoy .. Damnit .. Kid .. I'm not a Dr!?
Anyway, I feel far more centered and now my youngest is sick .. ugh .. cold I hope .. so I am making my faux chicken noodle soup that is his favorite .. lol .. it has magic properties for feeling good .. I need to see what I put in that stuff!! Seriously boy will have a cold and be way better the next day. He's been being seriously dosed with meds since last night. Vicks is a good thing. This is his first time taking adult meds and he says to me .. MOM .. those are big pills I was like yes .. (you have to realize I had suggested maybe going with the kid size was a better option) he was insistent and I laughed said ok .. after taking the pills says .. mom .. I think next time I will go with the kid stuff .. hmm .. there is a way to transition into this .. it doesn't need to be all at once boy.
I also cut ties with my cowboy .. he's been drinking and has become more and more misogynistic in statements he's been making. He made it easy by unfriending me on facebook .. don't call me stupid .. end game. We have had that conversation and he can't respect that so not my issue.
That's something else that's going on at this point is filtering people out on my page that I am figuring out if I want to have on there. Funny my friends list keeps getting smaller and life continues to get easier.
I'm just relieved that my oldest is back on track feeling better and my youngest is not feeling well however we are enjoying the day together.
Watched a movie called Last Flag Flying and LOVED it .. 3 great actors and a great story. It was a lot of things however I saw it as offering 3 different perspectives of recovery.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Since my son is a senior, he is only slightly younger than your oldest. I am finding out that higher education is not what it was when we were at that age. It is now big business. There is a lot of money to be made off of our kids... they could care less if they end up carrying the weight of the world in debt. Also, every college counselor or advisor I have been in contact with (and my contemporaries too) all feel that it is an "accepted" that the parents are meant to fill the financial gap. Ridiculous in my opinion.
OK, off my soap-box for now! I am glad that you and your eldest had a great visit. You are doing great with your attitudes and boundaries... although never easy, huh? I found that I could talk myself blue in the face with my son regarding how food (or lack thereof) affects the body, but it wasn't until I began to let go and allow him to experience some negatives did he begin to listen to me! However, I realize that it is 10 times harder to do this when you kid is away in college. I am sure glad to hear he's decided that the energy drinks are no good... they can be dangerous things!
Give you youngest a hug for me!
Keep doing you!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Hugs, just lots of hugs. I cherish the moments I have with my son these days. He just doesn't stick around as much as he used to and I am trying my best to cut the cord, so to speak, and let him be responsible for shaping his future. Because, I swear I want to get in the middle of ALL OF IT, lol.
Hope your youngest feels better soon!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
(((Serenity))) - sending tons of positive thoughts and (((Hugs))) your way.....I believe that raising children is a very difficult job and quite frankly - a thankless one most of the time. With 2 who are now 23 and 25, and have the maturity of about 13 and 15, I still find myself often just biting my tongue and praying for them. My personal experience is no matter what the topic is - finances, education, recovery, health, food, employment - doesn't matter, they have no interest in hearing it and prefer to take the longest path to their destination. What's hard as a parent is letting them go to explore that journey, yet if we don't, learning doesn't happen and they will repeat.
Gratitude lists happen around here often - I am grateful they are alive. Neither even got close to higher education at the end of HS - they both barely graduated because of this disease, the law, jail, prison, rehab, etc. I have literally put their names into Step One instead of alcohol and gone through the entire steps just to help me let them go and trust God.
Their college funds went to 12 rehabs. I was fortunate enough to retire by 40 and both of mine have had the 'ego' to suggest I should go back to work to help them with college. You can bet there is a part of me that wants to swing at moments like that, yet (thank goodness) I've been taught in recovery to detach and say, "I am sorry you feel that way." My oldest is (hopefully) going to finish in May, has funded it himself through grants and loans and already has a 'big boy job'. He's not concerned about the debt at all as they all have extensive debt and he has less because he did work quite a bit while doing his schooling. He is actually very proud that he's found his way to do it without us now that we're close to the 'end'.
Part of my boundaries with mine has been that you are certainly free to adult as you wish, but please understand that we're on a fixed income and the bank is closed. I do not see it as my responsibility to fund their college in any way/shape/form. And, even if everyone else's parents are funding it, I'm not everyone else's parent. And, from what my son shares now, most of his closest friends are also self-funding with some help from parents, not all.
So - as with life - you get to decide what you can do/help with and what you can't. For my two, it felt at times that even my best wasn't good enough and part of that was mine to own and part was theirs to own. I do believe there is a great sense of entitlement in my boys simply because of where we live and all that they've been surrounded with for most of their lives. What they are now learning is that's because we buckled down, saved our money, make smart purchases and didn't care about the latest/greatest car, phone, TV, computer, etc.
I would not have survived raising mine without this program, tons of meetings, an excellent sponsor, etc. I believe Al-Anon gave me the courage to get out of the way and stay out of the way. They are actually finally maturing and making much better choices and I can see they feel 'better' about it because 'they' are doing it and not me/us. It's a process, like everything else - and not always an easy one...
I'm sorry your youngest is sick - hope too that it's just a cold. I had the flu way back in mid-December and my nose is still running...can't blame allergies - it's winter here! Grateful that's all that remains - it's just been a very hard season for sickness! Take good care of him and you - hoping the chicken soup worked wonders....(((Hugs))) - breathe, breathe, and then just breathe again!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Serenity. You have a lot going on. I have a couple colleagues who've worked on college campus clinics. They say the vast majority of what they see is stress or self-care related. I pray that your son finds a good school/life balance.
-- Edited by WestMan on Tuesday 20th of February 2018 06:35:54 AM
After (soon to be) 24 years in alanon, one thing I am most grateful for is my ability to "let go" so to speak. It is most often innate. However, there are times, yes, with my daughter, that I want to -- whatever it is -- be there, give my opinion, help, fix, whatever. However, I am so very lucky, and grateful, that she is an intelligent, responsible, and absolutely amazing young woman. When it comes to the financial aspects of going to college, and now grad school, she doesn't handle things the way I would like her to, but she gets them handled. We've knocked heads a few times, only on this, but we are each our own person. This is not a "sickness" or "illness" issue, just a circumstance issue. Thankfully, LOL.
My sister is now going through something very serious. Serious enough that she could lose custody of her children. She is a good person, who made a terrible mistake. It was truly an accident. But now she is in very deep trouble. I am there for her, in a way that is healthy, and supportive...but I am not jumping in or being dragged into the day to day drama. She may not be handling this the way I would -- but that has to be OK with me. And, I am so proud to say it is. We had a conversation over the weekend, and I was so proud, so happy, that I did not have the desire to offer my opinion; and even when I was asked, I more deferred to ask her what she thought, wanted, etc. Only then, when I was truly asked, when she really wanted to hear, another perspective, an expert's opinion (it was a legal matter), etc. -- then I softly gave some options, a track she could follow, and so forth.
As my sig tag says...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
I am powerless...over people, places and things. Yes Serenity -- thank you -- the things and the people I can't control; and the one I can. Thank you.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Thanks for the support .. this has been the hardest part of parenting for me. The letting go part of the deal. His health issues, the gender issues and so on have been a lot 90 days just over. Then add to the fact he doesn't want to ask his dad for help and do you think dad gets any kind of stress in regards to the parenting .. lol .. no. He doesn't trust his dad enough and for that part of the deal that he trusts me is a good thing. He needs one of us to say the least both would be better.
WM, I am incredibly irritated that he should have been going to counseling last semester and wasn't due to his own stubbornness as well as denial, thankfully this semester he's going to multiple events. Again this is where I struggle how much to butt in to things because he's an adult and comes to me for advice and gets mad when it's not what he wants to hear. I suggested alanon and was informed those aren't the kind of issues he has .. lol .. good luck with that .. come back to me when you grow up a bit and let me know what kind of issues "those" are .. I managed to keep my mouth shut on that one. He's going to do what he's going to do .. and I have to trust there is a bigger plan that isn't mine.
Bo, These are the issues that most bother me at the moment specifically gender related .. after last semester and what that kid did which was incredibly irresponsible on more levels than I can count I'm suppose to trust that these choices are what's right. That's really hard to do because these are life long changes we are talking about not just oh let me flip flop on this stuff. I'll be a girl for 6 months and then be a boy for the next 6 .. I guess gender fluid would work however he's talking about going boy full time. I am trying to honor and respect that. He is a great kid, most of the time. I believe a lot of white has come in on my head do to the last 6 months .. forget wisdom highlights .. I own the wisdom. At least I wear it like I do .. lol. I do trust a lot of choices however lately .. the boyfriend who I refer to as the school shooter, as he fits the mold who decided before he tried to kill himself inform me I'm a terrible parent .. lol .. ironically in his world he couldn't even go to his family and tell them what was going on .. ugh .. don't get me started on this kid. He doesn't exist in my world. Trust me .. he won't for many years to come. My kid has gone off meds started meds and made rash decisions and I don't know if that's a product of the meds or his issues or what .. that's extremely scary to watch THEN comes to me asking what should I do. So sitting on my hands is one of the hardest things I have done to date when it comes to trusting that the God of my understanding has got my back and got his as well.
Today I can breathe which is more than I could do 7 years ago and I only hold my breath from time to time and forget that I can breathe .. so that's progress for me.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
