The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm so glad I found this place. It helps me so much to understand detachment. I've spent 11 years carrying the weight of all of this on my little shoulders and wondering why I've become so sick.
I see that it is a process now and not something that is going to turn around or happen immediately. That gives me more patience and some hope.
I gave in to him, once again, despite the cheating and looking for other women on chat lines. When I try to cut him off, he says that he can't stand it. I'm like a lifeline to him, so it is just easier for me to give in.
He has told me that his phone ad was so good and was getting so many responses that the company wanted to use it as an example. He asked me why that could be and I told him it was because he has a nice voice, he doesn't sound egotistical or demanding, and he says all the 'right' things. He sure knows how to fool 'em! Anyway - this has gotten him so excited, that he's torn between wanting to stay with me, or to go out there and find that perfect person. I've told him that he can't have it both ways and he has gone on a weekend trip to visit a buddy 7 hours away, and when he returns, he says he'll have made his decision.
Before he left, he told me that he STILL loves me more than anything in the world and that he can't imagine finding anyone as beautiful inside and out, as intelligent, etc. and this will be a tough decision, but ultimately I see that no matter what he decides, the bottom line is that he cannot survive any of this if I end up cutting him off completely, which I will need to do. He wants to be my best friend, but he has to understand that under the circumstances, I don't want to be HIS!
Yes - I know this probably sounds like I'm a pansy, waiting for an answer, but I finally understand that this man is very confused about EVERYTHING and I am relieved that he has gone away - even if just for a weekend. I've told him time and again, that he should not be in ANY relationship until he works out his issues and especially the disease, and he understands what I'm saying but still doesn't see it as a problem. What I'M understanding more than ever, is that I definitely DON'T want to be in any relationship until I've sorted through my self-esteem issues and come to a place where I feel good about myself.
Just as I think that he shouldn't be on a system looking for other women, unless he is truthful about himself 'Hi - I'm an alcoholic' - I don't think I should be putting myself out there either and saying 'Hi - I've been abused by an alcoholic for 11 years and I'm wondering if there is someone out there who wants to rescue and save me'. I know that I need to save me!
Yes - I should be upset that he is telling me that he will make a decision of whether HE wants to be with me any longer or not - but I'm not anymore, because I realize that if he decides to put himself out there full time and play all the dating games, he isn't anywhere NEAR working on himself. If he thinks he just needs to find someone who worships him, and this will abolish his need to drink, then I believe he's sadly mistaken, and that he will have to fall flat on his face at some point. The other thing about this is that I see that if he chooses this road, it will be a way for me to really get away from him and start my new path, which will be about ME and what I need and what I want to do. He said that whether he 'chooses' me or not, he wants a monogamous relationship and to get on with his life. He's being extremely narcissistic about the whole thing - but he thinks he's not because he says he's going to make a final decision so as not to hurt me any longer.
Well - he can't hurt me any longer - because I've already begun the detachment in my mind, and eventually I hope for it to become second nature. Either way - I'll be working on me the whole time and listening to my HP to help guide me along the way.
Someone said something in my F2F meeting this week. She didn't do what she thought was perfect "program wise", but she said " ... I did the best I could at the time..."
I am going to try to remember that. None of this is magic... unlearning 11 years toxic thoughts doesn't happen after 12 posts on an internet forum. Be gentle with yourself and keep coming. If you don't go to F2F meetings ... try some, they are very healing.
My first post on here someone very wisely said "... you are right where you are supposed to be in your recovery..." I was a raving idiot at the time... (way back 6 weeks ago ... LOL)
I really believe this program will help you ... hang in there, you are doing fine.
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Hello, HadEnuf, We are all glad you have found Alanon. Alanon is about working the Program, which means going to meetings, finding a sponsor, and working the steps. It doesn't happen by magic. What rtexas says is so true of all of us: we are all doing the best we can at the time. That is so healing, and it is so true of everyone else in our lives, too. Your being here helps us to work our programs, too. I am going to meetings, speaking at meetings, doing the fourth step (for the second time) with a sponsor, sponsoring someone else, and posting my esh online. That's what the Program is. Go easy on yourself, but make sure you put your energy into taking care of yourself. That is really the basis of the Program. Self love takes a lot of work, but it really changes your life! Good luck. Blessings, mebjk
