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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Another update - life on life's terms.
Post Info TOPIC: Another update - life on life's terms.
AnnieFenk321


Senior Member

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Another update - life on life's terms.
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Hi there all. 

I really just need to share my process around something.

Background: my husband is in rehab and I am overseas (in my country of origin let's call it B- (( sorry for being so mysterious its just the two countries are kinda unusual and it would compromise my anonymity to share them I believe)) ) staying with family. Until recently, I was undecided about whether to stay here or return to the country where my husband is and where I am studying (let's call it A). The other plan was to take a semester off and stay here in B. I was really undecided because it's not easy living with my parents as we have lots of issues associated with alcoholism in the family.

As you may have seen in my previous update, I was offered a job opportunity. It was teaching at a local university as a grad assistant. On the basis of that, I decided I wanted to stay and made plans to remain here for a semester (approx 6 months). Enrolment numbers changed and now that opportunity is not there anymore. 

I felt a weight of physical sadness fall on me when I read the email telling me this. I was so crushed. I had been so excited to get the opportunity and had already told some family and friends. It is something I really wanted to do and unfortunately in the country where I am doing my PhD (A) there are not many opportunities to teach, especially because I still face a language barrier over there. So for that reason I am disappointed from a professional perspective. 

Also from a personal perspective it was so wonderful to have something to look forward to. It has been very difficult being here, living at my mother's house and losing so much of my independence. I am a very independent person but with a two year old child to care for, I cannot be as independent as I would like. Having something that i was looking forward to doing gave me a certain meaning and purspose I had been lacking. It switched my rationale from being "I am here because I can't afford to be anywhere except my mother's house" to "I am here because I have an exciting professional opportunity and it also helps me move towards other goals." 

In another sense, the job was going to give me a good alibi for why I was staying. One of the hardest things at the moment is that people in my family and also my friends from my childhood who I have caught up with all want to know why my husband isn't here with me. They are genuinely curious, not prying. It will be even more suspicious to them that I am going to stay for months! I tell myself "those who matter don't care and those who care don't matter" but it makes social interactions draining because I hate lying but I also don't want to reveal to everyone where my husband is. I still lack the grace to navigate these situations without becoming very insecure. 

Also, I notice that the job gave me some "prestige" - that is to say, it helped me feel a little better about living here with my mum. I feel like a  bit of a "dead beat" moving back home at nearly 30 with a kid in tow. I feel shame about it. I have a strong desire to be independent, but in this context it doesn't seem possible and it also seems like this is a responsible appropriate decision, but it is not comfortable for me emotionally. In a way the job helped me save face a little, like "okay I might be back at my mum's place, but look how quick I got this good job!"

Finally, the job pays very well and was going to put me in a much better situation financially. It was going to allow me to save a lot of money which I would use to set myself up independently when I do return to A and I wanted to rent a place in a nicer city there where I have always wanted to live and the saved money would help me do that and also pay off debt we accumulated during the run up to this crisis. 

I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that my circumstances are created by a loving Higher Power who wants the best for me. There is still a chance that enrolments will change again and I will have another opportunity. Or perhaps something even better is waiting for me. This kind of thing has happened before and I have distinct experiences of thinking - wow what a blessing that I never got that job. I know this can happen.

I also am grateful that even as feelings of self hatred have washed over me in relation to this I have been able to notice them and not believe those thoughts. I journalled an encouraging letter to myself.  I wrote to myself that it is all okay and that it's okay to feel sad and its very understandable but that my higher power loves me and is arranging things in my best interest - even if it isn't visible right now. 

I have to curb some thoughts I have that God is punishing me for something I have done wrong. Some people in my religion tell stories like "then I realised that God was telling me to *insert supposedly good thing here* and when I started to, everything got better" - I find that kind of thing to be fear-provoking and unhelpful. I don't want to relate to my higher power like that. But it is a tempting way to think for me. 

Anyway so these are all my thoughts about this, I am leaving them here and I am doing my best to let go of them. I don't know what the outcome will be. I feel sadness and disappointment but I also have hope that something else might be around the corner and I have the power to accept life on life's terms. 

Another update about a different topic- I spoke to my husband for the first time since the start of January yesterday. He looks very good. Just physically he seems so much healthier. It was quite amazing. I think seeing that made real for the first time how much he had been suffering. He always looked so thin and gaunt. He didn't sleep or eat much. Now in comparison he looks glowing. I think seeing that was a reality check. I used to blame him so much for how badly he treated me... now I see in plain flesh how real his own suffering was. 

It was nice to see him. We kept it light and polite. He seems in a better place. I was happy to see him in less pain, but I also am checking any desire I might have to assume everything will be wonderful from now on. The program is 8 months and he is only one month in. 

Thank you all for listening. 

 



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Doingmybest


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Hi,

Although I have not experienced your exact situation, I can certainly understand how difficult your present situation must be for you. It is very hard to return to the home of a parent once you have lived on your own...and it is also very difficult for a parent to have a child return to their home.

I honestly applaud both you and your parent for finding the courage to accept each other and help each other during this difficult time. I can fully understand how you would feel discouraged at this moment and it is completely understandable that you are seeking a job, which will help you find some true independence, financial freedom, self-satisfaction, and non-familial support.  It is important to feel useful and to feel valuable.  You, however, are already extremely valuable and needed by your child.  You are also working on a higher education degree, which will allow greater financial and other freedom for you and your child (and everyone else involved) in the future.

I remember quite well how it feels to no longer be important (in my own mind) because I had to medically retire.  I felt for the longest time like I was truly worthless now. I felt that I used to be somebody because I had a great title and everyone gave me respect and was impressed with my position.  When I lost that title, I was lost myself.  I could no longer walk normally, had to admit I can no longer do the things I want to do (physically and somewhat mentally), and felt as if I was no longer important. I was WRONG!

It was at that time, and thereafter, that I have been most important to my family.  I could not see it myself (and if I am honest, I sometimes fall back into that feeling) but my daughter truly needed me to be there for her, particularly when things felt so unstable for her. She needed me to be home to help teach her and to show her love and support.  Her daddy was drinking then and she had started to withdraw into herself. Despite my personal sickness (from dealing with alcoholism and not having the tools to do things better), I still helped her by simply being there for every school or community function (which I could not always do when working), and by teaching her that a mothers love is more important than a prestigious title with an extremely stressful career. Later, after I sought help for my depression and for myself in dealing with my husbands alcoholism, I apologized to her for all of the parenting mistakes I have made (and still make).  I told her I did the best I could at the time with the knowledge and support that I had. I was certainly not perfect as a parent, and I never will be, but that she has always been loved. No matter what mistakes I have made, I can still learn and I can still be a better mother...even as she graduates high school this year and moves on into adulthood.  

Looking back, I can honestly say I am blessed to have had this time with her rather than leaving her in some daycare while I basked in my own self importance with my title and my career.  

I am NOT in any way saying that you are not being a good mother, far from it! I think you are being an exceptional mother, by understanding that you must bend your will and spend this time in your parents home for the sake of your child and for your continued education. You are under a great deal of stress and are doing everything you can to rise above your current situation to take your family where you feel is best for all of you.It is not wrong to feel disappointment at the loss of a position you were so excited about.  It is normal. And, what you wrote about deciding later that you were greatful when things didnt work out with other jobs is also very normal and true. Perhaps this is the time to work on yourself, your child, your education, and your family. Only you can decide what is most important for you and how you want to prepare for the rest of your life.

You are doing so much more than you realize and are working hard. What other people think is their issue and is honestly not important. Perhaps spending some time reading some of the conference approved literature will help fill some of your emptiness. I know it did for me and I will be forever greatful for the negatives (though I would certainly have never asked for them!!!) because they have given me a much deaper understanding of myself and have forced me to face my own issues.  

I found a few quotes which may, or may not, help.  I hope they are of some use.  You are doing great! Keep up the hard work and enjoy the times you can.

The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of the world but those who fight and win battles that others do not know anything about. 
 Jonathan Harnisch, The Brutal Truth

Believe in yourself. You are braver than you think, more talented than you know, and capable of more than you imagine. 
 Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

Be thankful for everything that happens in your life; its all an experience. 
 Roy T. Bennett

It's not what you say out of your mouth that determines your life, it's what you whisper to yourself that has the most power!
 Robert T. Kiyosaki



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There, but for the Grace of God, go I.
Iamhere


~*Service Worker*~

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I once was the young adult who tried to return to the home of my parents - it lasted 3 days. I then was the parent with my sons returning home in a time of need, and while it lasting longer it was far, far, far from a picnic. I can honestly say that both were difficult, nearly impossible no matter my level of program. I will do almost anything to never have it again!! Having said this, assuming one of my parents lives longer than the other, I will welcome either into my home with open arms. I believe I owe them that and have finally enough maturity to accept them as they are and love them unconditionally.

I am sure sorry that your opportunity fell through. I can certainly understand your disappointment. Our program tells us to feel our feelings yet not allow them to become our facts. I do believe that nothing happens by chance and our goal is to learn/grown from all that we experience. We don't always know the lesson in the moment, yet I have found there usually is one and it will be revealed at some point.

Good to hear that your AH is doing well in his recovery! May you both continue to grow one day at a time. I hope you writing out your thoughts has helped you - I am one that sees what I am thinking/feeling better in black/white than having it roll around in my crazy brain! (((Hugs))) - one day at a time, we do the best we can...

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
SerenityRUS


~*Service Worker*~

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Hugs,

Keep doing the good work!!

I do find that things wind up being better than I thought, usually my expectations of what I thought I find that my HP covers me far better with His plan than with me running the show.

S :)

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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
bud


~*Service Worker*~

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Sending positive thoughts and prayers... thank you for your post inspiring how you're handling change in a healthy way.

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Freetime


~*Service Worker*~

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Annie, I'm sorry to hear about the university job. I had that exact same thing happen to me decades ago -- first there was a job coming up, and then there wasn't. Didn't find out until I called in with a question and was told, "oh, we don't need you this semester."

However, it turned out well for me. That incident drove me to start looking for a different job, one that would reliably pay the rent. I'm not at all saying that's what you should do. I took a job that had much less prestige, in my mind. One thing led to another, and eventually I wound up in a field I never would have imagined for myself, and had a well-paying and interesting career where I learned a lot. It was one of those "when a door closes, a window opens" situations.

I see you're already thinking how this could lead to better things... so hang in there! My favorite slogan these days is, "Don't give up before the miracle happens."

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Another update - life on life's terms.