The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I really like the quote of the day, so am starting there - "To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." from Oscar Wilde
Today's reading discusses how many of us worked really hard to be liked by 'all' before recovery. We had great intentions and tried to encourage friendships with some who rebuffed us! The writer found encouragement in the wording from our closing which suggests ". . . though you may not like all of us, you'll love us in a very special way - the same way we already love you."
The writer learned over time that she could offer and receive respect, support and understand even if there was no true friendship through Al-Anon recovery. Patience and humility won out over pride!
The reminder for today -- It is unrealistic to expect everyone to like me. With such an expectation, I set myself up to fail and give myself an excuse to blame that failure on others. I can't change other people, but I can change my own attitudes. I can let go of my rules about how others should feel about me. When I am disappointed in another's response, I can make an extra effort to be kind, warm and loving to myself. I am lovable just the way I am.
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I recall HS and the 'popular people'....I did want that and over time, got 'there'. Yet what I found is that did not bring me the joy I expected. I have learned in Al-Anon that where I am, who I am and how I am is great and I am loved by a HP that knows all my flaws and strengths and considers me perfectly imperfect.
It is through recovery that my esteem became whole, and my desire to be liked by unavailable persons diminished. I have also learned to be authentic and select my close circle wisely. I can be kind, respectful and listen for lessons from all yet I can also 'take what I like and leave the rest'. I am grateful that being me is good enough and everyone I encounter can teach me if I am humble and willing.
Happy Thursday MIP! We are going to have a bit of a warm up - YAY! It sure doesn't take much to make me happy at times....Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good Morning IAH I do so understand wanting to be liked by everyone and people pleasing to achieve that goal. Today, with alanon principles i no longer attempt to control others but live by my principles and if someone dislikes me that is their right
I love the quote as well. Thanks for your service .
Thank you IAH for your service and this mornings Courage to Change reading!
I was just thinking this morning the sense of peace that I am beginning to feel in my life once again. I dont feel so frantic, nor do I feel the need to run around worrying about everyone else and their needs. I can even feel myself BREATHING full, steady breaths before and during the time I am speaking to someone. I dont feel my heart pounding like it might just pound right out of my chest because I have a thought or piece of advice I need to share. I am way more relaxed and taking the day as it comes. This is the lesson I have learned in my short time in Al-Anon thus far and todays reading has so much to do with this newfound way of thinking. I am exercising being my true, authentic self, and starting to relax into my own skin. I am finding it easier to just be in the moment, and not put too much emphasis on reactions that I may or may not receive from others. And I continue to choose wisely whom I allow myself to spend time with and the activites that I choose to participate in. I want to keep everything as positive and upbeat as possible and this has been hugely beneficial for my recovery. I am even witnessing a closeness again in my marriage which I am so grateful for.
As a side note, I am also gaining confidence in myself these days. I felt comfortable enough to actually share at an AA meeting the other night. I thought my friends in AA were going to choke when I actually opened my mouth to say something more than Im just listening tonight and let the topic pass by me without sharing, as I have done for 3 years now. I am making progress and that feels really good.
Thank you for sharing the reading this morning. I am BLESSED to be here with you all!
I am in South GA so we are expecting the balmy temps of mid 70s today. No complaints on that. Lots of rain and thunderstorms last night, but a BEAUTFUL sunrise this morning.
Blessings to everyone and I wish you a day filled with Sunshine!
Thanks IAH and all the shares. I not only wanted to be accepted , but I expected to be rejected. That was my default setting-no one will ever like/accept me. I carried that around for years, and saw myself as a failure even though in many ways I was not. I couldn't see reality, but a distorted and negative self-perception persisted instead. Over the years, and lots of therapy, my self-esteem did improve, but not the way it has with program. And I fully accept, and I'm OK with, other people not liking me or not accepting the boundaries I have for myself like a no alcohol household. I don't serve alcohol to family I know drink. If you are coming to my house there will not be any alcohol . I like the person I am becoming, thanks to program. Lyne
...some one said at a meeting- "It's a selfish programme!" I thought- no its not! There and then I decided not to be self centred, but centred on self.
I know the person still- now a double winner and I feel I made the right call. I did not want to become a narcissist. I wanted to come out of my shell- and to travel a balance, between self and others. I do believe that charity begins at home. With family kids and grandkids.
I enjoy doing a good turn, especially when I am asked. I no longer meet my abandonment needs by being a goody-two shoes. A human fixer, in other words.
I'm learning some hard lessons around this subject lately. I've found that while my current situation may be difficult and I'm certainly mourning the loss of my marriage that I have gone from seeking basic support with the essentials to almost wholly placing my emotional well-being into the hands of others. This started off as just venting but became something else entirely.
It was only after a friend set a boundary that I became aware of how bad this had become. The phrase "pity party" doesn't even cover it. I was wallowing. I was constantly looking for the next friend I could speak to so I could pour out the most recent chapter of my sad story so I could get my wounds tended, have someone tell me how good I am or that such and such decision was the right one. I've had an inkling for some time that I do this but not why. I certainly didn't realize how much of a negative impact it was having on me.
I'm grateful for this reading today and for friends willing to tell us the truth.
Good afternoon and thank you for the daily and ESH, IAH. I am going backwards..........I used to want everyone to like me and also run all over me.....then I became so guarded I kept everyone at a distance. The balance is happening and I am welcoming the time spent with others now and the deeper level of intimacy with family and friends again. I also see a huge change in my marriage. One that is a good one:)
As far as everyone liking me, I know now that is unrealistic. The comfort level in my own skin is returning in the people dept lol
Thanks for your service Iamhere. Todays quote reminds me of a saying I heard: If you want everybody to love you, then you must first love every body else. As the years go by in Alanon, I've noticed that I'm transitioning from wanting to be liked to wanting to be serene... and ironically, I've observed that this seems to attract a greater positivity from others.
Great shares all and I love the ESH....Bud - you hit the nail on the head for me - the more I focus on me and choosing serenity over chaos, there is more positive responses from others.
(((Hugs))) to all!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
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